Eldest brother with BPD
My eldest brother (aged 40) lives above me (aged 34) and has struggled with BPD for a long time. I don't think that any of his behaviour is particularly unusual for someone with BPD, but I think the cumulative effect it is having on me is finally taking its toll. I am sure he is neurodivergant and probably displays traits of narcissistic personality disorder.
I've lived in this property for just under 10 years now. I don't remember what my brother was like as a neighbour to begin with, but since Covid there has been a steady (if irregular) stream of abuse, including:
- throwing glass bottles into the garden
- hiding a vehicle we shared use of and putting a steering lock on it
- running a washing machine in the middle of the night (as my brother's kitchen is above my bedroom)
- playing music so loudly it would reach over 30 dB in my flat
- opening my and my ex-partner's post
- hurling rubbish down his stairs (into a small communal area by my front door)
This is in addition to numerous verbally abusive emails and messages he has sent in the course of the past six years, as well as the regular bouts of shouting and screaming I can hear beneath him (a lot of which is directed at my dad).
I feel that my mother, father and I are trapped by my brother's cycle of abuse. He will be calm for a while and amenable (to a degree), but something will set him off. He will invariably threaten to kill himself - I've lost track of the countless hours of paramedics' time that we've doubtlessly wasted by calling emergency services, only for my brother to state that he isn't actually suicidal. My dad (who is 77) will do everything he can to try to placate and calm my brother, and in doing so pressurises me not to try to set reasonable boundaries (which I believe would include trying to raise a non-molestation order at this point). This included my dad sweeping the drive on Sunday night on my brother's behalf! I wish my dad would see himself as the victim of abuse that he is, and take steps to protect himself.
I am aware that my brother is apparently in therapy, but I'm so tired of this situation never changing. He almost never takes accountability for his behaviour, and when he's stable he acts almost like his outbursts have never happened. I recently ended up having a panic attack after my brother stated that I couldn't reorganise some pictures in my flat (due to the noise it would cause him), despite giving him close to a fortnight's notice. I think he woke me up at about 04:00 this morning and I've had a knot in my chest since.
I am conscious that I am incredibly privileged to live in the flat I'm in, but I think I have finally reconciled myself to the idea that I will never be fully relaxed living under my brother. There was a brief suggestion that he would move at some point this year (as he does not actually own his flat), but I think it will be necessary for me to leave instead. However, I then worry about who would ever move into my flat - it is the ground floor of an Edwardian terrace that most likely needs rewiring, replumbing and replastering (as well as soundproofing). Who could survive the noise and angst my brother would cause them while they did all that work? I really feel trapped.
As mentioned at the start of this post I am sure that none of my brother's behaviour is exactly atypical for someone with BPD, but in many ways I don't understand how he can continue to go on like this.