I want to be listened to...
Hey guys, this will be a bit saddening post. I will not write in a specific chronology as the flow of my writing will be having my reflection of thoughts. I apologise to you if you feel pity for me after reading this. This is not my original account, I may delete or deactivate this account after posting this post.
​
I am 27M
I come from a middle class family.
I live with my family in a rented flat (we still don't have our own house, we do one but that's of my grandfather's house and due to of my father's transferable job, we never got a chance to settle at one place).
​
A bit about me, I am healthy, i don't do smoking, I don't do drinking i don't do drugs. From the age of 17, i have been giving government exams with no luck to crack any. I have completed my grad (3yrs honours program) in the year 2019, I have completed my first post grad in the year 2021(full time course), and have completed my 2nd post grad in the year 2024 (it was a distance learning as through offline it costs much and there are some tough entrance exams which needs my full attention and time for preparation and to crack one, which I don't have the time). Yes my family have invested some good amount in my education and one more thing to bring attention to you is that I have been enrolled in school 1 year younger than my peers so that's why my all mainline education got completed a bit early.
​
It's not that I was just preparing for government exams and side by side without a single year drop carrying out my educational stages. I started working in corporate from the year of 2021, have worked for 2+ years in an MNC, and currently in a India based startup. I am good at my work (I can judge that) have been in different roles and was always able to leave my name in good recognitions due to my performance. But I don't like working, like i don't want to perform well, people take advantage of my work, i don't like anyone appreciating me because the moment they appreciate me their expectations with me gets raised abnormally high. I am ok with just "Thanks" and a "Good Job" sort of moment and that too in private meeting not in everyday huddle meetings. Why I got so early in job with my education and preparation going on? Because of the expectations. I am surrounded with people as I said I live with my family but I am currently in a state that I can't speak my heart out to anyone.
​
I have friends very few actually but none of them are actual friend of mine. I have guided or helped each one of them at certain point of my this early life. But I can't speak my heart out to them too. I am very conservative actually in speaking my feelings I can guide and suggest someone anything on any topic very well, but I can't guide myself as people's are expecting some certain things from me and I am always busy on accomplishing them. I actually don't know what interests me, whenever I think of this no thoughts come to me.
​
From my early young life I was very much energetic and sportive in nature, but now I am feeling like an a very old matured guy. It's maybe because I am too busy fulfilling my family needs and helping others or listening problems of other's and thinking on how can I help that person, but the person inside me is getting emptied day by day, hour by hour.
​
I never been into a relationship. It's because I believed at that time that my focus needs somewhere else like completing my education or preparing for exams. I am too a human I also saw my friends to be in the relationship and I too craved for it. I even confessed my feelings once to a girl but I believe the time and the situation was not correct. A year back I was again ready to confess my feelings to a girl as I have given an government exam and I was sure this time I am cracking it so atleast my future will have a constant flow of money and I can take care of myself and her too including both of our families but the results were declared and many aspirants like me got scammed with incorrect results and the exam got no final conclusion till date as some coaching institutes filed cases against that exam body but no response till date, and also that girl whom I admired very much because of her intelligence and composure got married to someone else. I believe this one of that point where many things where happening with me and a thought came to me that day by day I am loosing something of me. There is no decline in my work performance nor in my health, i still eat healthy and try to live as conventionally as possible. But the thing is I can't share my feelings with anyone. Am I afraid to find one more person? No, I am not afraid. Have my respect or my admiration of that girl gone? No, if will never go. You may be thinking that the girl must have sensed my feelings, but as I said I almost never express my feelings to anyone I take time to do that in that course I never express, but this time I have planned everything, but it never happened.
​
I can cook, especially the north Indian delicacies. I don't want to fake my happiness or my smiles or my calm demeanor. As every day I am getting emptied.
One day I have seen this girl in a supermarket, she was independent, was listening to music on her airpods, she was in good health and seems to be happy moreover she can drive. I was just behind her in the cash que, i liked her without talking to her. I have an ability to sense the next person on how will they come out to be in the future. In cash que we have to give our numbers during billing i could have memorized her number but I haven't (this is a great learning for girls to be more cautious in such cash ques, maybe the person behind you a psycho and may disturb you later, so you can always give a wrong number or deny from giving number) i thought of visiting that supermarket everyday but I failed on accomplishing it due to my personal commitments towards my job and my family.
​
Currently I am just feeling void. In the denial stage I am (as learned from the "Bucket List" movie). I as a person have understood that I need constant motivation, which I never got, my childhood was not so stable not going in too much details but it was not good.
​
I believe I have typed much and my fingers are hurting and I can't cry also, tears doesn't come to me. Also I can't scream as my voice has gone too low from being so high in early days.
​
I can't speak to anyone so I came here with a dummy account over reddit and have written this post.
​
I am not going to reply to any of the comments to this post, i appreciate hugely to read all these saddening words and I will be always greatful for it.
​
May the god and time with you all always. Be happy and keep loving yourself.
​
Bye.
​