u/SquirrelWonderful584

Be nice please ❤️ and I apologize for the long post.

Hi I'm just looking for advice on how I can handle this. I (F 32) just moved in with my bf (M 34) and his mom. We've been together for a year and a half and she's been wanting me to move in with them for the majority of the relationship. That's because my bf and I pretty much said we're going to get married, and she really wants grandkids. Me moving in with them speeds up that process, and also because she has always been desperate for a girlfriend. Even a daughter. She doesn't have any friends, her husband (bfs dad) left over 30 years ago, and only socializes with her mom and sister. I really feel for her that she wants a relationship with me and I value that. I would love to be friends with her and have an MIL and DIL relationship, but I'm not her daughter and it feels so unnatural and weird that I feel that she's trying to raise me. At 32 years of age o_o. It gives me the huge ick, I'm ngl. It's not even in a cute way, she's really rude and out of line about it like telling me when to shower and getting upset that I don't like the things she likes. And despite both of my parents passing away when I was young, I already had a mom and no one can her replace her.

I have adamantly rejected her offer of moving in through my bf because.. well.. living with her is hell. She has an explosive temper, and isn't afraid to tear your down for pretty much any reason. This includes when she's trying to assert her dominance, she decides to compete with you over something your doing, she's in a bad mood, she doesn't want to take accountability for something, things don't go her way, the possibilities are endless. While she's the worst to my bf, she does this to pretty much everyone who is family and me as well. However, unlike them, im not use to it and I refuse to be treated so disrespectfully when I show nothing but kindness and consideration towards her. Im able to stand up for myself now, but it got so bad this winter with her that I had a whole month of terrible insomnia. My bf at the time was no help because he would just say "she does this with everyone" and couldn't understand why I was "bugging out". A lot of you guys will say I should have left, honestly I should have. But I was in a really fragile point in my life at the time; I was at my last semester of finishing my BA as a non traditional student and a breakup would have ruined my chances of graduating. Eventually he realized that he was wrong and that this wasn't something any normal person can process. So he helped me get through what I was feeling and my insomnia, and he would stick up for me when his mom demanded for me to come over (one of the issues that was giving me insomnia was her pressure of me to cater to her loneliness despite the fact that I was juggling school full time and my demanding part time job, and going over there only to experience more anxiety due to her behavior). As the months passed by, I grew thicker skin and per the advice of others, decided the best way to combat her behavior is to show her that I'm no bitch. It helped. A lot. For establishing my boundaries and also giving me peace of mind. But, it's EXHAUSTING. She fights or resists back by playing mind and emotional games. And I don't want to play. I love peace, love, and easy living. I don't want to do this every day.

By standing up for myself, and also because her mom basically said she needs to change if she wants her only son and potential daughter in law to give her grandchildren, it caused her to start changing her behavior. It's a slow process. Like pulling teeth. And she still sometimes makes it everyone else's problem. But she is trying. And it got a little better in the last two months, it actually felt really joyful being around her.

Last minute I decided I would move in with them. I had set backs that ruined my bf and my plans to get a place together, and the savings I saved up after leaving my toxic job had to be used up. So I moved in with them, despite my bf hating living with his mom, he still always wanted me to move in with him and her... They're really big on family life. Despite the fact fight that the two of them fight with each other almost every day.

Anyways, I moved in last week and... Well.. it has been not great. A lot of mind games, a lot of passive aggressiveness from her, a lot of people trying to maintain peace but her always starting something, or her and my bf yelling at each other. And she expects me to be like her... And how it involves my future kids. I refuse to be like her, and that's one of the few dozens of reasons she's been shooting jabs at me; because I'm refusing.

It's slowly cooling down. It was high tensions the last wel because of how difficult it's been for everyone to get adjusted to each other here. And then my bf and her yelled at each other again two nights ago. And now No one is really talking to each other. After a week of being expected to choose sides or be peacekeeper, Ive been staying in my room the last two days. I've been very polite with them but just not interacting with them. And you know what, even though no one is talking to each other, no one has yelled at each other (not that I was telling at anyone), no one is over stepping on each others boundaries, and we are all living in our own peaceful bubbles. But how this healthy? It's not. And during this time, I have been really thinking heavily that I refuse to let this dysfunction be my future, and I refuse to be the person they expect to fix their relationship. I'm too damn tired 😩. And this is making me feel so depressed.

I don't know what to do. My bf is really, truly, a fantastic partner. He has supported me and lifted me up and had rooted for me every step up the way. He's been there for me any time I needed him, and we love each other deeply. But I can't live like this. Unless this is a time where people in this house are being introspective and reflecting on how we can be better with one another in this house, I just know that she's going to get back on her shit again and start chaos, act like the victim, we all go quiet again and "forgive each other" and it all just repeats. It's madness.. and I'm so damn tired. I don't know what to do. Would couples counseling help?

Thank you for reading.

Hi Western Mass! It's my birthday on Wednesday and I'm looking for a great swimming spot for me and my partner. There's a place in Vermont that we like, but the water is constantly moving so quickly that the water remains quite cold, which isn't our favorite experience. It would be even better if there's a nice eating spot nearby too! But not a deal breaker. Feel free to message me your spots if you'd like to keep them hidden to maintain crowd control.

Thanks so much in advance!