My therapist said something today that finally made me stop apologizing for being monogamous
I’ve been in therapy for a few months now. Mostly dealing with the aftermath of a relationship where I was essentially polybombed. My ex sat me down one day and announced he’d “discovered” he was poly. Not asking. Informing. And I spent the next year trying to be okay with it because I loved him and I didn’t want to be “controlling.”
Today my therapist asked me a simple question: “If your best friend told you her partner had done this to her, what would you tell her?”
And I just… broke down. Because the answer was obvious. I’d tell her she deserved better. I’d tell her that someone who loves you doesn’t restructure your entire relationship without your consent and then call you closed-minded when you struggle. I’d tell her that “I discovered I’m poly” after four years of monogamy is not a revelation. It’s a negotiation tactic.
But I couldn’t say that to myself. For years I’ve been carrying this quiet shame, like my desire for one person was somehow less evolved. Like I was the one who needed to “do the work.” Like my pain was the price of being a good, open-minded partner.
I’m not saying poly people are bad. I’m saying what happened to me was bad. And I’m allowed to say that without it being an attack on anyone’s identity.
I don’t know why I’m posting this. I guess I just needed to say it out loud somewhere. I spent so long apologizing for wanting what I want. I’m done with that.