u/Standard-Cucumber641

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hi reddit

this is mostly about people i met on discord, people ive spent the better part of being a teenager interacting with, people ive been treating like the only fellas in my world since i push away the people close to me in real life. my brothers, real friends, cousins, my parents, uncles, aunts. they're practically strangers to me now, but the real strangers i let into my life are hardly ever there these days. well. i call them my best friends, but, shit, ive stopped talking to them so long ago just cause i never knew if it was something okay to talk about, ive always felt distant and weird even with them around. its not their fault, i just am so deathly afraid of intimacy and larp it all the time.

i lie and make things up to tell my friends and i wonder why im hardly close to them these days. i wonder why most of our conversations take place in my head-- i wonder why i cant just tell them things and acknowledge i want to be acknowledged. "Well, it's just not a good time" its never a good time. every "good time" that should be im just playing a game or doomscrolling, and whenever i get around to talking about real stuff it's always either converted into another topic, i never get to be too deep with it cause im afraid of intimacy even though they're my friends, or the conversation dies too fast for me to talk enough about it

then i met someone who would listen to me about anything. and then i fucked it up with him cause why not? i fuck everything else up in my life, like a month earlier i fumbled a girl who was escaping hell cause i thought she still wanted to be in it. she thought i could save her. i dragged her back

give me an inch and ill take a mile off your fucking life but ill try being polite about it

i fell in love with him just cause he'd listen to me, god, i'm so fucking pathetic. even though he already turned me down once \*\*hard\*\* and had a thing for someone else, i was still so infatuated even after the fact he forgave me when i tried hitting on him. things were good for a little while... then what held me back from my previous friends started showing signs now.

i got a little busy cause i was moving stuff from moving homes, and i was tired. we used to just talk everyday but then it turned into a few days every so often when we would talk, but already by then before i started becoming busy things were getting... stale. i kept wondering what was it that started drifting us apart and i realized it might have been because i just kept telling him i loved him and thought the world of him and tried to be as platonic as possible but holding back my infatuation and trying to just brand it as platonic love really killed something in me. i could hardly be genuine and i took up smoking so i wouldn't be so neurotic about the way the fire was dying

when things started looking bleak i started sending him voice memos of when i did light up a ciggie and sing him a little song, tell him some stuff about my day hoping that when he heard my voice memo he'd ask me more about stuff when we both weren't busy and we could talk. but whenever i did get to talk to him i was emotionally walled off and wouldn't talk about anything personal, just talk more about him and how his day was cause i felt like i had to pull back from being too emotional otherwise id blurt out how much i loved him or something

or id talk about how close i was to killing myself

when i found out this cycle of perpetual friendship fuckery was repeating again cause i cant help but fall in love with everyone i was devastated and i was hoping to talk to him about it cause maybe we couldve worked something out... we never really did have that chance. this emotional instability i had from my only emotional anchor starting to get rocky affected my other relationships.. i cut off my friends just cause of a little misunderstanding, just cause i was angry, i started going back deeper into racist and toxic communities on discord cause i felt... angry, and hollow for no particular reason

i stopped talking to him after a while, but i still worried and kept thinking about him even with no contact at least until my account was deactivated. i let him know what id been up to and he was worried but i didnt give him a clear answer as to why i was still talking in those kinds of places, i told him i was "studying" them, but what kind of "study" leads to me joining SH groups and.. fuckin... participating???

i hadnt talked to him for a while, though i did tell him i was making him a video to make up for not sending him any memos, not until the second time my alt got disabled too. i told him again, and he never said anything. i told him he was still my best friend, even after everything and i was sorry i hadnt talked to him in a while. and then he deleted all his socials with no explanation. the center of my world for months on end and the only person id think of just disappeared two days ago and now im left with nobody

i cut off my friends, i pushed everyone away, just so i could pinpoint my emotions on him. and then he disappeared. i dont know what to do with myself anymore. i dont even feel worthy of contacting anyone else anymore. should i? what, just cause the best one is gone i have to settle for the ones i discarded? thats such a fucked up thought. maybe i just shouldnt ever have friends. i dunno anymore.