u/Starcakeprincess

Since I left my job last year, I've barely left the house. I can count the times on my fingers, and even then it was because I was forced to, not because I wanted to. I think my family is really getting annoyed with me (besides my three friends who don't even invite me anymore because they know I won't go), and rightly so, since I need to find a job

Everything out there is so scary, and I feel like everyone can see what happened to me in the past and will try to do something or humiliate me for anything I do. I feel like the ugliest creature every time I leave the house, and it doesn't help that I'm a social disaster. There's so much wrong with me that it's exhausting just to think about it, and it doesn't help that I have to go out to buy the damn hormones that I haven't taken for months already. I'm a failure who can't even do this right.

Just another poorly written and stupid post to vent, and it'll have to be on this account because I lost my other one when my phone turned off.

I never had the chance to be normal, never. Even if I wasn't a tr#nny(which obviously makes everything worse), I'd still be as screwed up as everyone in my family.

• My family is very poor; we've always had food on our table, and I'm grateful for that, but aside from that, we just survive on what we have

• Growing up with sick people, physically and mentally, I was introduced to death very early, unfortunately, and I know very well what it's like to see someone you like slowly wasting away/destroying themselves

• My sister entering the world of drugs and ending up being murdered even though she was so young, causing my mother, who wasn't very normal to begin with, to become even more "crazy" (not really)

• Being the middle child of six (yes, even with my family's situation, my mother thought it was a good idea to have six children). I deliberately made myself invisible because everyone already had too many problems

• And because of that, my parents only remembered me (my father may not be my real father, though, but that's another story) when I had to babysit my younger siblings or when they wanted to brag about me being the "good son"

• Being raped when I was seven years old in a hospital

• Being raped by a complete stranger when I went to pick up my sister from her work one night

• Becoming friends with a man who bullied me (not exactly bullying, he just called me a faggot or something like that) and then "dating" him, and after a while he started raping me for months because he knew I would go back to him pretending nothing happened

• Until one day he drugged me and let his friends rape me while taking photos and videos, and I don't even know what they did with those photos and videos anymore and at this point, I don't care anymore

• He was the first person I told that I was trans ( ugh), and I'd probably still be with him if it weren't for him letting his friends do that to me.

• I didn't want to put this, but being Black (and clearly fagg#t) made me an easy target for jokes ever since I was a child

• Being forced to go to various churches only made me hate myself even more and repress everything I thought

• Being socially awkward, so much so that it's embarrassing

• Being ugly, like, really ugly, and puberty only made it worse

Nowadays I am this failure, an empty person who can't do anything right and it's my fault, I do nothing to "improve", on the contrary, I continue to self-destruct It's been four months since I stopped taking hormones because I no longer see the point in continuing (I know, I'm stupid) and it's only making me feel worse, it's all so embarrassing and I really don't mean to play the victim (even though I'm kind of doing that already), but it really seems like there are people who were born to suffer.

How can someone leave their house so easily?

It's probably already been posted, but I just found out that this is Malia 😭

Okay, so I'm going out with my friend (after months of not leaving the house)

Who else deletes posts because they feel embarrassed or shared too much?