r/4Tranistan

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hola mi friendos

ok so the last update i had was about like a "date" i had with a guy friend from online or whateveer

well i did a second thing with him, we ended up meeting up and sharing like an activity togetherr but i realized he was talking about like girls and likee hot women and like dating, etc... and like idk he asked me like "you dont like women at all" and i was like wtf is going on here

idk if im crashing out but between this and the past thing i was like hmm

and he also said a bunch of other shit but i was just like meh like this guy feels kinda toxic tbh like i dont rly think this is anything and tbh i think hes like dipping his toes in (my friends metaphor not mine) and like he doesnt actually want to dive in idk

anyways i fucking bounced from this gc i was in with him (been in it like past fuc king 6 months and always knew somede shit was wrong cus it was like straight men using fucking homophobic slurs in there which is fine and all but like i dont fucking know)

once again, no idea if im crashing out but i think u have to listen to ur gut

and basically afteer this 2nd hang out, i had this big fucking cloud looming over my head like "something is fucked here, u always kinda knew it and mayb eu were masking for the whole while and like played along with the trap"

listen i have no idea it also doesn't rly matter but i wrote all these schizo notes last cpl days and then finally left the chat and deleted all these msgs/txts with him as well whateveer

I NEED TO FUCKING LIVE MY LIFE AND CANT HAVE CONFUSION IN MY LIFE LIKE FUCK OFF IF UR GONNA CONFUSE ME

LIFE IS STRESSFUL ENOUGH AS A FUCKING TRANS PERSON IM FUCKING TIRED

anyways, hopefully this was somewhat understandable

time to download hinge and have a fucking martini im so tired and want to cry so damn hard

https://preview.redd.it/q71r0i2jvhbh1.png?width=335&format=png&auto=webp&s=c5918bc43c15210eedb0a8f8c7627e34bf0c2059

Be it leaving reddit or something more drastic. I feel the need to open my mouth and speak, say my goodbyes. Why can't I be normal, shut the fuck up and leave. I don't want to have people deal with it, and yet all I end up being is whiny attention whore, cuz I want to be fair, cuz I don't want leaving someone without closure as that's what used to hurt me the most. I want to shut the fuck up already.

like think about it, its genuinely the perfect example of fake woke

-they try to arrest a chinese guy for calling himself a chink on a fucking online video game

-you can unironically propose to change the flag because having a cross on your flag is offensive to your religion and not get laughed out the room

-people arent allowed to even carry simple pocketknives for day to day tasks, but if a religion claims it as their heritage, that just goes out the window

-they think they’re so much better than the rest of europe that they leave the EU and go be a bitch about it after it comes to bite them in the ass

and yet

-they get AC mogged by third world countries while their own people get heated to death and they’re told to smear yogurt on their windows

-half the country lives in fucking trailers

-you can’t even walk outside with anything nice or you’d get mugged

-they love to talk about how they’re so woke and anti racist or whatever and then they just turn around and say trannies arent people

it’s literally just what would happen if you let theyfabs run a country.

how hard is it to understand that i *just* want to be a girl?

yes i have dysphoria. yes i have bottom dysphoria. definitionally i don't think i would be considered agp OR hsts because yall will never catch me having sex with anyone. i find it repulsive and relationships unfulfilling.

if i somehow manage to luck my way into having enough money, not even srs would fix that. i never intend on having sex ever, even post-op.

how hard is this for them to understand? every transphobic argument falls flat so monumentally in my weird specific case that it almost manages to amaze me.

"oh you're just doing this for male attention. you're a gay man."
i am aroace

"oh you're just doing this to have access to women's bathrooms to be a pervert and rape"
i am aroace

"oh you just want to groom kids into your weird fetish"
i am aroace

and it's not just transphobes.

fucking sneeds like "aren't you such a good girl~?"
fuck off, i am aroace

"do you want to join our polycule?"
no, i'm aroace

i don't sleep in a "big bed with my husband" or would i ever want one. i don't fuck my wife with my "rapestick" nor would i ever try to. leave me alone. let me be a girl in peace.

i just want to be a girl, how hard is that to understand?

Living being trans. Living being a neverpasser hon. Living being hideously ugly. Having really bad ADHD. Having severe social anxiety to the point I can barely talk in social situations. Being born poor.

I don't think it's possible to overcome all of this. It doesn't seem possible. If it is possible then whatever it will take to make my life work I won't be able to do.

I honestly didn't expect to be alive for as long as I have been. I didn't want to be alive for this long. It feels like I should have died like 5-6 years ago. Feels like I'm just a walking corpse waiting to be put out of my misery.