u/Stardust_Skitty

He annoys me. The very memory annoys me.

His habits disgust me. I have very little patience with him. Why? Why not?

My soulmate could have been beautiful and I would have been so thrilled. We could have both been gorgeous and lead happy, fulfilling lives. Instead we were created to be unattractive, to exist so that others could be happier, kinder, more beautiful, more successful, more talented than us. That is our purpose, to exist so someone else could be more.

​How can anyone be happy with an existence like that?

Hint: None are and grow up to be mean, bitter, traumatized, angry, and resentful and suicidal and end up in Hell for not being ecstatic that our sole purpose and reason for existence was so that some people could be better. ​

I had this stolen from me. I WORKED SO HARD, to diet, save up for hair, makeup, contacts, spray tan, corsets, heels, Spanx, perfume, jewelry, just so I could be treated as well as them and I wasn't given the credit that all that wqs my work and effort! I suffered for my looks and got it taken from me and told to live out for my purpose of being with someone I do not like, admire, or feel comfortable with. No. He could be a lottery winner and guess what I'd do with that ticket? I'd tear it up in his face and throw it away.

Money does not appeal to me. I want my bf to be gorgeous! I wanna be gorgeous! He can keep the jackpot. I don't want a cent. It's sad that he had to have a lottery ticket for it to make up for his unattractiveness, right? Well, it is incredibly unwanted, I don't care for it and I would just burn the damn thing if I could get my hands on it. Eww.

I mean it. I am deathly serious that I would destroy that ticket and leave. God can pay me back wirh beauty. Not money. Money gives me no joy. Besuty makes my heart soar with joy and gratitude and obedience.and happiness.​

I want to confess:

Blasphemy

ERP? Exposure response prevention instead of rebukes.

Anger

Doubt

Shame

Guilt

Misunderstandings

Transactional gifts (to my roommate)

Lust

Defiance

Selfishness

Arrogance

Denial

Guilt tripping

Drugs (meth)

Smoking

Failure to pray

Thinking of selling my soul (no ritual)

Asking Satan for relief instead of Jesus

Trust issues

OCD & Tourettes thoughts I did not control or casting them on Christ

I'm sorry.

Instead of learning as I go, please teach me because being my own teacher has only yielded many misunderstandings and a failure to learn. I hope that shows humility - I am not nuanced in conversations and I misunderstand easily.

I repent.

Sorry.

Before any of us moved onto those grounds, the girls who lived there were sweet, submissive, and pleasant in nature. Something changed the moment we stepped foot on the property — perhaps accelerated by eating the fruit from the lemon tree in the front yard. After that, people's minds shifted completely. Everyone except me seemed to fall under a kind of slow stupor: simple, menial tasks took hours, and the unspoken motto of the house became eat and work, nothing more.

The landlady herself told me that four or five families had lost their firstborn child in that house. She confessed she had been genuinely relieved when her own firstborn was taken away — she'd been terrified he would be next. She spoke almost proudly of the soil there, how the fruit trees grew enormous and tasted extraordinary, how anything and everything planted in that earth would thrive. The abundance was real. But it cost something.

The cats on the lot kept reproducing, and the kittens kept dying — from neglect, exposure, hunger, sickness — and were buried in the garden. My landlord may have fathered fifteen or more children. His girlfriend alone had given him five, and had seven of her own in total.

The kitchen was the most dangerous room. Tempers ignited there without fail. The women obeyed the landlady without question and turned that compliance into harassment directed at the men. The men were all violent felons — one was in hiding on the property — yet on those grounds, strangely, they calmed. They cooked, they worked, they used drugs. The violence in them seemed to go dormant.

The food tasted extraordinary. I had only ever managed macaroni and cheese or ramen before, but the moment I stepped into that kitchen and decided to cook, I simply knew how to make chicken noodle soup from scratch — fettuccine broken into fourths, chicken and vegetable broth, a whole chicken torn into strips, sliced carrots, chopped onion, black pepper, cumin, and seasoned rice. That knowledge arrived without explanation. The landlady underwent a similar transformation: when I first knew her, she made chicken patties on white bread. After returning to that house, she was producing bisque from scratch and a whiskey tea that tasted like nothing I can describe.

Everything there tasted like that — almost impossibly good. And every girl grew increasingly wrathful. We used that anger like a weapon against the men around us.

This Morning

I woke up today with none of it. No wrath, no anger, no frustration — just happiness. I felt hungry for the Word and read 2 Peter, chapters one and two. The words didn't condemn me this time — or at least, not until I remembered something I had done while I was still at my ex-landlord's. The memory brought the weight back briefly.

But while I was still in that good place, I heard what I believe was Jesus give me a simple order: clean your room. I smiled. I thanked Him for it. And I started cleaning. I'm almost done now.

Please come back and stay with me. I think, no, I'm SURE it was the house or whatever was attached to the land that made me resist You and Your plans. Sorry! Sorry. Really sorry.​

I hope you can please pray for my cats Winky and Gregor. And for a blessing and prayer for protection, with my physical and spiritual self protected from all evil. Thank you ​.

Please read all of this, PLEASE, in case You left!

Let me try to think of positive things.

My mind is always full of stupidity and errant bad thoughts - it was not the case before this oppression began.

But I did want to suffer with Him. But the content of my thoughts were so evil and disrespectful that these intrusive thoughts drew me further away from Jesus 😞

I was so mortified of God and Jesus and the Holy Ghost overhearing some of these things and getting hurt by them that I went to great lengths to avoid them. I should have trusted them to handle it but I hid because I was scared God would have His feelings hurt. Well, the Holy Ghost, that is. I feel so bad.

I never had thoughts like this before.

I think the Holy Ghost saved me many times before now.

I really do love Him very much. This blasphemy brings me so much pain. I wish I could take it back but I am not the one thinking them, and so I feel bad I can't stop them or even make amends ,because I'm not the one to say it. ;(

Hello... I did my hair today and feel a lot better now. I have to apologize to You - my perception of things was difficult a couple of days ago. I had been trying to go cold turkey on the drugs but it left me having the strangest breakdown earlier today. They really do help normalize my thoughts and my tics from Tourette's (my doctor agreed that if my tics lessened on a higher dose of Haldol, that it was Tourette's and it did) nicotine has been proven to help stop tics from happening and some people told me that their intrusive thoughts lessened on stimulants, just like myself.

Are You mad at me?

I look like I am doing better today, I did my hair. I have BDD and kind of ​wish that my obsession with my appearance would go away. It's kind of tiring looking into the mirror but depriving myself of my reflection recently has caused me to binge watch my own reflection.

I'm sorry. I really do need some time alone at times.

Do You think You could please come back? Is this truly a dark night?

I am handling it better since I am relying on You.

I am so sorry for not going to rehab. I am trying to see if I could go to one where they could prescribe me clonidine or something. Going cold turkey has been extremely difficult.. I have the weirdest thoughts and my stimming causes me a lot of discomfort.

Could You help me find a way to do this, please? I cannot save myself. Even with this addiction, I believe that You already saved me, that Your sacrifice covered my every sin. Sorry for trying to be perfect with my Scrupolosity. I have to just rely on You. I do trust You. I know that alone, I will fail. But with You I have a safe refuge and Shepherd.

Love You.

In Jesus' name (to Jesus)

Amen

Jesus,

I'm not sure when I last truly heard from You. The enemy has been taunting me, and what I believed was Your voice turned out to be a deception. I'm asking now — is it too late to take accountability for my actions and wrong behavior, and begin to change so that my life looks more like Yours?

Please ask Your Holy Spirit to return and reside in me. He is the Helper and Comforter You promised would be with us always.

I still carry the fear that I may have committed the Unpardonable Sin. I am asking for Your forgiveness. I have done things I am not proud of, and I have resisted Your will. And yet I feel genuine sorrow when I sin — even something like smoking a cigarette brings me to tears when I think of what You endured on the cross for me.

Please come back and teach me to abide in Your vine. Let me become a branch that gradually bears good fruit. Refine me through this crucible — but please also let me carry the yoke You promised is easy and light.

I have tried to pair my faith with action. Today I attributed to You a donation that provided clean water to eleven people in Africa, crediting You as the one who made it possible. Thank You for providing the means to give. They now have safe water where before there was sickness and danger.

I try always to give You the glory. For example — I learned that my neighbors at Hernandez' were only receiving breakfast and dinner, with nothing for lunch. I felt moved to act quietly. I ordered food from Walmart Delivery, enough to last them a week of lunches, and had it left on their doorstep. The label showed the order had come from someone named "Jesus C." I knocked and stepped away so they would discover it on their own.

All seven of the men in that home were moved by what happened. They interpreted it as a sign of Your Providence — and ultimately, all of them came to faith and scheduled baptisms. This included Edwin, a man who had followed Satanism for nearly fifty years. I had quietly fed him during the time we lived together, always crediting You or the Holy Spirit as the reason he had food. When he saw the bags arrive with Your name on them, something shifted in him. He believed You had truly never let him go hungry — even in the years he had turned away. He converted, removed all of his occult materials, and filled his walls with scripture and pamphlets about Heaven instead. The others followed. I witnessed it myself.

I chose to do it that way so that the glory would go entirely to You. I removed myself from the equation so that those men could believe, without any doubt, that You had heard their hunger and responded. I took no credit. I believe You used me, and I am grateful to have been useful to You.

I don't speak of these things to boast. I keep them between You and me, knowing that the Heavenly Father rewards what is done in secret. I don't even need a reward — I love finding creative ways to make Your name known.

Lord, I have suffered so much.

This season feels like a personal crucible, and I hope the Dark Night lifts soon — leaving me only more seasoned and more trusting of You.

Did You like the way I chose to glorify You?

Please give me insight and draw near again, alongside Your Holy Spirit. I am uncertain whether He is still with me, or whether I have grieved Him into withdrawing. Please, in Your name Jesus, please ask the Holy Spirit to return to me.

I continue to worry about the Unpardonable Sin — though I have wondered whether You hinted that even this finds resolution in the age to come, in the new heaven and new earth. Whatever the case, please forgive me for all my sins.

I also want You to know, Lord, that so much of my struggle has had physical roots I did not choose. As an infant I was given only cow's milk rather than breast milk, which led to severe anemia. It became so serious that doctors at Cedars-Sinai initially believed I had leukemia. When the true diagnosis came — extreme iron deficiency — the damage had already been done. Iron deprivation starves the brain of oxygen, and I believe this is at the root of why I have always been so different: the learning disabilities, the tics, the difficulty with certain kinds of thinking and relating.

Later, when I began puberty, I was given iron supplements while my anemia resurfaced— but the effect on my developing body was significant. My appearance and temperament changed in ways I did not understand at the time and have grieved since. Give a girl going through puberty a lot of iron to an anemic elementary school kid and she will end up lookng like a man.

All of this contributed to a life lived on the outside — odd, misunderstood, often alone. It was not a moral failure. It was a body and a brain that suffered things an infant should never have to suffer. I tell You this not as an excuse, but because I believe You already know, and I want to be honest with You about the weight I carry.

I apologize for my bad beh0avior. Please forgive me, Jesus.

I have more to say, but I am falling asleep.

I love You. I will write more tomorrow.

Living with Tourette's: A Broken Filter

The best way I can describe what Tourette's does to me is this: my brain builds a blacklist.

Whenever I have a goal — to be liked, to be seen as kind, to be trustworthy, to be close to God — my brain generates a list of everything that could destroy that goal. Things not to say. Things not to do. A catalogue of the worst possible words, gestures, and behaviors for that moment.

The premonitory urge is meant to be a warning. It's my brain's attempt to protect me from sabotaging myself. But somewhere in the wiring, the signal gets scrambled. Instead of quietly filtering that blacklist out, my brain reads it aloud. It recites it. It performs the very things it was trying to prevent.

The filter is broken. It knows what to block — but it broadcasts instead.

How it plays out in real life:

When my goal is to make a good impression, my brain produces every humiliating thing I could possibly do in public — and then enacts them. Dancing. Yelling. Saying something mortifying. Everything I most wanted to avoid, surfacing at the worst moment.

When I desperately wanted to be seen as a good, trustworthy person around children — because I took Jesus's words about harming children with complete seriousness and was terrified of even seeming unsafe — my brain generated the blacklist of things a dangerous person would say, and then shouted them out loud. The very opposite of everything I felt and wanted. My tics said things I found utterly horrifying, things I would never mean or want, in the moments I was most trying to be gentle and safe.

When I was trying to protect my reputation, my brain produced the exact phrases that would destroy it.

When I was most reverent and frightened of blaspheming — especially around the Unpardonable Sin, which terrified me — my brain recited blasphemies. In the moments I was most desperate to honor God, the blacklist fired.

What I want people to understand:

These tics are involuntary. They are the opposite of my desires and values. The more I care about something — being loved, being safe, being holy, being kind — the more intensely the tic mechanism activates, because the stakes feel higher and the blacklist grows longer.

My Tourette's doesn't reveal what I want. It reveals what I most desperately don't want — and then forces me to perform it anyway. It is a cruel inversion. A malfunction in the very system that was trying to help me.

I have wanted, more than almost anything, to be warm and well-liked and close to God. My brain has made that feel almost impossible to show. And that grief is real.

A Prayer

Jesus

I repent. I'm sorry for not going to rehab, and for not yet retrieving Winky. Anxiety and overwhelm have made me feel paralyzed. I'm frightened about returning to Filo's — the threatening sounds disturb my sense of safety and make it hard to move forward.

Please forgive me. Please give me the courage to rescue my cats, and the strength to seek help for my addiction. Self-medication has been my way of calming down, and it is a constant struggle to resist it.

I know You are here. You are everywhere. Please help me abide in You — to be a branch that stays connected to the Vine. I understand the Enemy is attacking me, using fear and disturbing sounds to damage my sense of safety and normalcy.

I want to feel safe. I want to feel secure. I want to stop numbing myself — for You, and for my own wellbeing. Forgive me, Lord, for my lack of self-control. I know You understand my circumstances.

I repeat the same mistakes partly because I cannot remember them. Beyond a few days, my memory fails me. I suffer from a kind of amnesia that makes change very difficult — I don't always know what needs changing, or what I've already done. Memories of people I've lost have been taken from me. People know me by name and I cannot recall them. My dissociation has been hard to identify and harder to heal. My doubt has grown, fed by anxiety.

But even in this darkness, my love for You has remained. And I believe You see the heart — not just the impulse, but the intention underneath it.

On my impulses and how I handle them

Lord, You know how my mind works. A desire arises quickly and automatically — often a selfish or impulsive one. But just as quickly, I examine it, recognize what's wrong with it, and redirect myself toward something kinder and more honest.

Some examples of what this looks like:

I once wanted a boyfriend partly to escape my circumstances. But I recognized that as using someone, and I set firm boundaries with myself — never asking for gifts, always paying my share, insisting on paying rent even when offered free shelter.

I once wanted to take something of my sister's without asking. Instead I asked to borrow it, and returned it despite the urge not to.

I once wanted to travel for status and brag about it online. I went, kept the photos privately, and didn't post them.

I wanted to stay angry enough to lash out at my sister. I stayed in the argument but kept my hands to myself.

I wanted an expensive car as a condition of reconciling with my parents. I asked for a used one instead, recognizing the first desire was unfair.

I wanted spiritual gifts for personal advantage. I redirected that into wanting to help others — sharing what I'd learned rather than hoarding it.

I thought about an inheritance. Instead I pursued friendship with my mother, and never asked whether I was included.

I have ADHD. My impulses arrive fast and without a brake pedal — that is documented and real. But I apply the brake consciously, within seconds or minutes, and choose differently. I have tried not to cause harm. I have tried to bring my worst impulses to You and trade them for something better — freely, without demanding anything in return.

That is the best I have been able to do. I offer it to You.

(I have ADHD. Emotions are intense. Please stay with me during this dark night.)

To behave the way it is hinted by the armor pieces' names:

1. Helmet of Salvation: To believe you are saved, because then you are. If you don't believe you are, then you are not. Don't allow the Enemy to get into your head. Think of love. Love covers a magnitude and multitude of sins. Think of pure, good things. Don't doubt, don't think in complaints and negativity.
2. Breastplate of righteousness: 'Blessed are those who thirst for righteousness for they will be satisfied'. Act righteously in all areas of life. Behave with mercy, justice - follow the rules and laws and desire righteousness to prevail. Behave well accordingly so that you may remain upright. Don't do dirty tricks. Don't lie. Don't cheat. Have some honor.
3. Belt of Truth: Be honest in all of your dealings. Do not lie, scam or cheat.
4. Gospel Shoes of Peace: preach the good news and the gospel peacefully. Do not start holy wars and arguments while spreading the news of the gospel. Act peacefully. Never use violence or aggression while doing missionary work. Make sure peace follows you everywhere you go. Walk in peace. 'My peace I give you.'
5. Sword of the Spirit: Fight the Enemy with Scripture. There is an appropriate answer from the Bible for anything the Enemy tries to do or make you think. Jesus is the Word. All things were created through Him. Reading the Bible will have Him be present with you, because He is the Word and He is your savior.
6. Shield of Faith: Use your faith in Christ and His ability to save and protect you when the enemy attacks and causes doubt, confusion, fear, threats. Psalm 91 is a good example of how faith in God works and how God responds to faith. In the Bible, God tells us He will fight our battles for us and that we are to be still and simply watch as the Enemy and wicked perish, '10,000 to your right, a 1,000 to your left, but it shall not come near you.' Do NOT start fights with the devil. Instead remain in faith and be still and wait for the Lord goes ahead of us to fight. He commands us not to fear and not to doubt.

---

Living this way seems to be tbe best defense against the Enemy that we have.

Does anyone else agree?

Please pray for my spiritual and physical safety tonight, and if you could, please pray for my kittens' safety as well. I am in a state of danger from a Satanic attack, to be completely honest. He has threatened to kill me. May no weapon formed against me prosper. I pray that Jesus intervene. Please. Thank you, praying for me would likely save my life. The attack is very violent already. Prayers would keep Satan at bay - I felt writing this request down was an urgent matter and very important. Please pray that I am given mercy as well as safety. A blessing of protection would be something I would be so grateful for. Thank you!​

The devil doesn't necessarily have a bad organization that I feel contempt for - to be honest, I always admired Lucifer's capability to lead, with some emphasis on his ability and tactics to be rather unorthodox and even rather progressive. I felt that if God were ever to be defeated, Lucifer would be the one to hand him that loss.

But joining him when I cannot stomach violence made me wary and I refused to. I dislike the idea of having to act contrary to my moral compass and remaining integrity. I don't want to be forced to obey, but I want to be around people with different styles of interaction and treating one another. Satan might be clever and the one to win, but I refused his invitation (not particularly against receiving his protection and mercy) because I do trust that Jesus is that middle chair.

I'm very sure that demons are extremely nice to one another. I think Satan's kingdom must be rather beautiful than demonic. But I have no desire to become a demon and prefer being Christian and their values for humanity. Satan probably upholds the rights of all demons, because they seem to all adore him. But I couldn't be put in that situation where living would be so entirely against my character and values.

I don't necessarily see Satan as evil. God is actually kind of suspect of it at times. But I think the views they have of one another are extreme.

If I was raised by demonic parents, I still love them. I miss my mom and my dad's jokes. I believe them and understood they loved me and I did love them back. They were strange but I do adore them, I enjoyed spending time with them and miss them very much.

I can't say I am scared.

I don't like the idea of sacrificing my identity to uphold the commandments of another, forever meant to be at a certain slave status - maybe one would rather die free.

I feel like I can navigate this world just fine and ask God to please preserve me. I believe Jesus did say all the martyrs who die in Hell will receive Heaven. I wonder if anyone remembers Him saying that. He insisted that the dead in Hell would be invited into His kingdom when they died for His sake.

I am not stubbornly chasing safety or doing this because I want eternal life, but I am resisting because my values feel threatened. I could never torment a demon or a human. It goes against my beliefs and I understand that the two may be entirely incompatible. To be honest? I have a crush on Satan. But I love Jesus.

Satan is funny and charming.

Jesus is pensive, kind, and nice.

Both offer freedom to their kind and glory. I don't care for the glory but would not enjoy giving up the right Jesus promised us when He delivered us through the cross.

I wish I could be left alone and not targeted as a victim constantly since that is getting to be old. I hate this war. I just wish I could get along with everyone. But only Jesus sacrificed His life for mine to be released from the bandages of sin. He was crucified, buried and resurrected. Satan isn't the creator of the world. The actual creator of the world, if not Jesus' Father, but the creator of all - I believe He is at least aware of this conversation I just had. I can't say I would understand how he would perceive this, actually. But I would be willing to hope that He does understand the story from my perspective. It would only take Him a little bit of time and power to see my history and my experience of this.

I assume that Jesus HAS seen this and understands I refused their recruitment. I have no reason to join them. I am grateful for Christ and believe I am being tested for fidelity. I won't dishonor Him and will remain faithful, although maybe as a young woman, this is a.difficult thing to achieve when personal safety is at stake. Jesus would like that, I know, that I be okay and He is coming to save me.

God is always aware of everything I do. That is a comfort to me. There is not much to hide and I understand He already comprehends all without further examination necessary. I only asked for Him to see the story from my perspective, as a young girl about 24, who.lost everything in her search for Christ. He might be the one to find her instead.

I am okay, so far. Still hungry.

Going to diet. Slim figures are yay!

Gosh, Jesus is cute.

Slimfast seems yummy.

I wonder if He would ever like me back?

Erotomanic delusion warning, here. Haha this time I was only being playful and not serious.

I really am OK though.

I really don't have any intentions to join Satan.

The idea of being kicked around with zero respect is not worth the time that that kind of humiliation on one's self worth would ask for and demand. I refuse to allow my dignity to be stripped from me. Death is preferable. Torture is preferable. The idea of losing my dignity is distasteful and angers me greatly, so I must persist on my refusal to live the kind of life where your livelihood and desire for life costs you everything you ever had pride in in yourself.

Besides, I see very clearly how joining him would be too cruel on both your humanity, values, integrity, character, bravery, virtues - it would all be destroyed only to live a life forced to be enslaved with your dignity and pride being surrendered over in order to live a life of submission, humiliation, disgust, no respect, no rights, torment, possible torture, and having everything about yourself destroyed in order to create an obedient slave controlled by the tether of their fears, relying on their master's mood in order to even stomach having a good day. They would never treat a human with any dignity and respect. Instead they would command them to beg, abuse them, humiliate them, live under constant authority of those who wish to harm you, rather than enjoying a society of equality that humanity is capable of creating. Living the life where all you experience is domination makes me want to be sick. Never. Ever. Ever.

And that is coming from that 24 year old girl who they met 8 years ago.

I refuse to torture anyone. But torture would be preferable than living that nightmare of a life sentence, eating cruelty right out of their master's hand. That kind of goes to God, too - although You are kinder. Jesus offered for us to be His friends though, and that's what I hope to accomplish by staying besides Him. He would not demand my humiliation and would respect my freedom, happiness, opinions, goals, dreams, and desires. I really believe so.

I am not scared but my feathers get ruffled, a bit. Kind of like a turkey. Giggle.

I want to keep all those things for myself. I deserve it. No one should ever take those things from someone and expect them to truly love or serve you.

I don't know why more people don't refuse. You would rather be ruined into a creature of pitiable submission?? Who would accept that?!

I would rather try to live differently and keep those things. Only you can strip yourself from your dignity. Otherwise it is always yours for you to enjoy and possess.

Please intervene and save me, Jesus.

Please allow my Comforter to stay with me forever, I read that was Jesus' prmise to His believers. Please come back to me, Helper.

I read some interesting things today. Aphanodasia?​​

That is the way I think. All these blasphemies are done in an inner voice and I do not have that, I processed warnings against the Unpardonable Sin and inappropriate things to say to others non verbally.

Please. I also was told that once You accept Lord Jesus as your Lord and Savior, you were saved. I believed that as a child and accepted Him. The pastors congratulated me for being saved afterward. Was also told once saved always saved? Were these promises made unique to the capability the individual could do?

Love You. Sorry for the meanness.​

I knew I should not have, I really should not have smoked that cigarette because I felt my conscience skyrocket on my desired promise to quit, and when i did, right after I began to have trouble breathing.

Could someone pray for me now? This addiction is out of control. I am going to rehab on Monday. Please pray that that is not too late for me.

I had a big crush on Jesus and when I heard He only wanted to be friends for now, I asked for some time to be alone from Him and then avoided and then resisted His desire to just be friends. I've been on a very low dose of Haldol for delusional thinking (and my Tourette's, too, I really believe) but about a week ago they increased my dose at about 100mg more and it's given me a lot of clarity, less hosile feelings and thoughts and some more understanding about my situation.

But God prompted me to just be friends with Jesus and not get a boyfriend while in prayer- and I refused and got upset.

I was unable to find any alone time so I retreated and lashed out. I didn't mean to blaspheme and reject God's will - I was just exhausted from a broken heart. The Pharisees wanted to kill Jesus and turn the mob against Him. I wanted some space to heal from unrequited love and was very upset and hurt by that.

God did not see it as blasphemous, right? He just saw a girl with a broken heart from being rejected or told to wait a bit longer but that it should remain platonic (maybe for forever) and ran away and resisted from having her heart father hurt?

I didn't kill Him or had plans to or to turn anyone against Him. I was just struggling mentally, physically and fell into a delusion. The med change in dose helped a lot.

Please pray for me. In my hurt and terror I tried to insinuate that I wanted only a month left to live. Can you help me cancel that negotiation and go by God's mercy and plan? Please pray I don't die anytime soon, via the devil or from God - I feel better but am still healing mentally and emotionally.

if anything, the Holy Ghost might have been like (to Jesus): psst, she has a crush on You! Haha.

He probably understood why I resisted, right? Because I was too sad for the moment to follow Him? Girls get so sad when their hearts are broken. It happened because I liked Jesus TOO much, not because I hated Him!

(edit - sorry in advance if I curse at You, I have Tourettic OCD/Tourette's/mental tics and OCD intrusive thoughts. please dont leave! that is what I DO NOT want to happen!)

Sorry.

Sorry. I deserved this, Hs did not. Sorry.

Could you please pray for Him to come back? I rejected Christ one too many times. Sorry.

Thank you, I appreciate that so much. I'm going to rehab tomorrow since I realized that I need professional help in a professional setting so I wanted the Holy Gbost to please come back, my behavior has changed since they gave me 150mg of haldol instead of 50/75mg -- it was lower and I was hostile.

Since then I have happily said I would be with this very sweet man named Angel​, if He willed me to be. Or with anyone else He would have me to be with. I also declined an offer to date a nice man because I decided to remain unmarried and unconcerned for now and to devote myself to God completely. The boyfriend issue is no longer an issue.

I don't believe I am worthy enough to be in a holy union with Christ and just feel very lowly in worth when it comes to that. I'm not sure if I am receiving a second chance like the one I asked for, but currently I am content to wait and see.

I also have been less angry and hostile and see things with a lot more clarity. Please ask a good spirit about my behavioral changes and see, please, Holy Ghost, come back.i'm sorry. so sorry.

- Evie

I am sorry, God.

I am sorry, Jesus.

I am sorry, Holy Ghost.

I was off of my medication or on a very low level dosage of my antipsycotic when I pushed You away and blasphemed. I was worried but my pastor said it wasn't the Unpardonable Sin as long as it was caused by being off my medication, and things I have read online have told me that a mentally ill person cannot commit the Unpardonable Sin. I didn't think I was mentally ill, vut I realize that everyone with insanity thinks that of themselves. I remember my psychiatrist once telling me that people take themselves off their medication tend to quit because they believe they don't need to anymore, that their symptoms are gone (because of the medication) and that they don't need to take their meds anymore and then they relapse and get terribly worse. I thought I was fine. Then I started acting madly.

You know the difference between sanity and insanity - the difference between mental illness, brain damage (potentially) and demonic possession and/or both. I think I was struggling with both. Because my behavior substantially worsened as soon as my antipsychotic dosage was lowered. I thought it was okay and that I was doing alright because I believed the antipsychotic had not been necessary in the first place but I was on very low levels of the medication when I cursed at You - then a few days ago, they increased my dosage of my antipsychotic and I felt so much less paranoid, hostile, and fearful. Instead of feeling the need to avoid everyone, I felt like I could listen to logic and understood that I should not be paranoid about talking to God. I also understood that cats are precious but they should not be in my care if I could not take of them.

I believed it was okay because my doctor was willing to go down on the dose. I thought i was alright. I didn't realize it was because of the medication. I am much less hostile and don't get as paranoid and apathetic as before.​

Sorry, I hope You can forgive me. Please come back. I'll increase the dosage again next month and see if I continue to get better. Please help me.

Forgive me. I'll stop believing I know better than a doctor. Thank You.

Love You.

amen​​