2 weeks in
I'm going to preface this with I've made an appt with my obgyn for ppd today, it will be next Tuesday.
Baby boy was born May 5th and honestly he's fairly healthy which I am thankful for. No heart defects, his brain ultrasound came back normal after an abnormal shaped csp on his 20 week anatomy scan.
We are two weeks in and he has jaundice that required phototherapy for 3 days. In the two weeks since he's been born we have had to go get blood drawn 6x to check his jaundice levels, and his thyroid (thyroid is okay). We've had 3x pediatric appointments, abd the 3 days at the hospital. In the next two days I'm supposed to go get his blood drawn tomorrow, do a weight check Thursday morning and Thursday afternoon have a developmental appointment with the hospitals outpatient therapy. I'm so ridiculously overwhelmed by all of these appointments. We've had 3 days where we have been able to be home all day.
I'm losing my mind. I feel like all I do is try to feed him, pump milk, try to feed myself (making food seems impossible, my husband has been handling meals and our two other kids). I know he requires more care than the average baby but I am really starting to feel like I don't have this in me. I go back and forth in my mind that I am stronger than I know and just need to do what needs to be done and start getting outside in the sunshine more and get active to I should probably just give my baby up for adoption and let someone else who wants a baby do this. I'm not sure how serious I am about the latter thought but I did Google how adoption might affect my other children.
It's only been two weeks and maybe I just need to give it more time but it doesn't feel like there is an end in sight. Ans when I think about the fact that he will probably have to live with us his whole life I just start to cry. I know there is a grieving process of the life/ child you thought you would have. I read so many stories about how other children with down syndrome have enriched peoples lives, and how hard it is for others. None of it really makes me feel better.
I am a Christian and I am trying so hard to trust God's plan and not rely on my own understanding but the depression I feel is so deep. It might actually be left over some from my pregnancy 2 years ago. April 2025 my Dr suggested an antidepressant/ anti anxiety but I didn't pick up the prescription. I kept telling myself I'll mentally be stronger soon. And then we got pregnant again and I've been going downhill since. Throwing a baby with down syndrome at me broke me for a good few weeks there.
Idk what feedback I'm looking for, mostly just needed to write out how insane all the doctor appointments feel and that I'm drowning. We don't have any support system around here but I have come across a ds connection place here in town that helps with resources and what not. I've reached out to a woman who has a kid with DS and chat with her back in February and will be meeting with her again this Thursday. I just feel... Messed up. Super mentally not okay. Tell me there's an end in sight. How many people take Zolof (sp?) or the generic version of it, did it change your life?