Can a marriage be saved when desire has dwindled?
Together 18 years, since we were 18 year olds. We have a deep bond and love each other so much.
The last 6 months have been horrible, after our first baby all behavioural issues blew up, we grew apart and reached a point where we said we need to fix it or divorce.
My husband was emotionally burnout though, along with therapy fog he just couldn’t see clearly if he wanted this or not and asked for a temp separation. We took 2 months, both in therapy at the same time.
These 2 months were a huge growth journey for me, I reached a point where I would be okay if things ended. On his part he seemed to be doing better, more self confidence, less sadness. We went on a couple dates, had sex and made the decision to come back home.
2 weeks in he started withdrawing again. I talked to him about it. He said he feels like shit because he knows his ambivalence is hurting me. He said he loves me more than anyone, he missed me, my company and our family. But he admitted that desire has died at some level and it doesn’t feel as intense as he’d like it to feel…. He’s trying but he’s also super numb. And I keep thinking these numbness must also be from all the stress and guilt he’s been carrying for months now. Both are nervous systems are on guard constantly, you can’t rebuild desire with this mental state!
Now I’m wondering - after 18 years together I find it normal for desire to be a little dwindled, it’s not all sparks. But I still want him, still get lost in his eyes, still feel butterflies when he flirts with me. I imagine he doesn’t…. But then he says I’m his favourite person. My point is can desire come back if numbness from all this turmoil calms down? Or should I just accept that it’s just done for him and stop trying to force what’s not there anymore? I Even though I want to feel desired and flirted with etc, I can accept that some times mental health affects what the other person can give you. He supported me through rounds of depression over the years too.
We’re just so good together, he’s a wonderful person, great husband and father, I don’t want to end things without being sure we tried everything…