Suppressed anger. Just wanted to share this.
About a year ago, I suddenly realized that instead of turning all my anger against myself or my husband, or other people, I could direct it towards my mother in my mind. And weirdly, it helped. We have not lived together for a long time. I ran away from home when I was 15. The last two years have been a huge period of rethinking my whole childhood and the reality I grew up in.
At that time, our relationships was already pretty bad. One day I got a strong anger reaction because of something unrelated. But for the first time, I mentally aimed that anger at my mother instead of at myself. And after that, I started doing it more consciously. At first I felt a lot of shame. It was surprisingly hard. My mother is not even physically around me. We only sending a few messages once a week. But still, I felt like I was not allowed to think bad things about her, even privately in my own head, it is honestly crazy how strong these inner barriers can be. But later I also started feeling anger towards my father. I allowed myself to say things in my thoughts that I was always afraid to say. I reminded myself that I had the right to feel angry because nobody could even hear me. I wrote angry letters without sending them. I fighting with the air or pillows lol. Sometimes I said out loud what horrible people they were when I was alone. And I started feeling better. Now I almost never get rage episodes anymore. And I don't fight with pillows anymore lol. Although the dialogue with parents often continues in my head. But before this, I was someone who could go from triggered to explosive anger in seconds. I could start huge fights with my husband and later barely remember what I said.
Something else shocked me too. When I was 14, I had a blog online. Recently I found some parts of it through the Wayback Machine. And there was a post saying: “I HATE MY MOTHER” I completely forgot that feels existed. And somehow it took me 15 years old to finally say those words again. As adults, many of us become full of ideas about how we are “not supposed” to feel hatred or anger towards parents, or any people who hurts us. People say hatred poisons you. That even thinking these thoughts is wrong. But honestly, I think what really poisons people are years of suppressed anger.
Just wanted to say this in case someone else needs to know it... Wishing healing to everyone here! 🫂