Sharing to inspire and be inspired
Hello everyone! I have been reading from this subreddit for a few years now. Lately, I kept on reading stories about regret with medicine as a profession. Whenever I read these stories, I can’t help but remember my own professional story. Now, I feel compelled to share my own journey to help me process, reflect and inspire myself more, and hopefully inspire others as well. Caution this post is quite long.
I’m a relatively young diplomate in a cutting field known for being really expensive. I’m the only MD from a low to middle income family. Ever since my memory started, I aspired to be a doctor. Up until undergrad, I knew it will be very difficult due to our finances, but I still fought for my dream. I eventually received an academic scholarship for Medschool. Honestly, I never had fun in med due to academic pressure to maintain my scholarship. I just tried to do my best and pushed through telling myself that it will be worth it after I pass the boards.
During third year, I promised myself to be a TCVS. However, come PGI-ship everything I planned for shattered. I took my PGI year in government program. I initially volunteered to assist long open-heart cases during surgical rotation, but the workload and the morbidities/mortalities I witnessed made me realized that it was not for me. It made me feel lost. I was so naive.
I eventually finished PGI-ship and got my license. I expected to finally feel happy and relieved, but no, I felt even more lost. I didn’t know what to do next. I wanted to pursue residency immediately but I didn’t know what program I want to apply for. Also, I drained most of my family’s finances and needed to help my younger siblings’ education. I eventually decided to moonlight.
As a moonlighter, I covered ER duties, did island doctor stints, tried LTO and APE duties, got surgical assist posts, and even attempted to start a private GP practice in NCR. It was hell. But after a year or so, I got the hang of it. However, finances were still extremely tight and I still deeply want to train further.
After moonlighting for 2 years, I was able to save for my siblings’ remaining years in college and some emergency fund. Also, meeting consultants from different field made me realized that I like Internal Medicine. I became excited and even planned to pursue Interventional Cardio in the end. I was excited to train and practice the clinical complexity of IM-Cardio and the hand skills of interventional procedures. I was, again, so naive.
I applied in a big private institution and luckily got accepted. Initially I was really happy. However, as days passed, that happiness diminished. Seeing death really affected me. Also, not doing surgeries/procedures took its toll on me. It slowly became a burden. I never experienced bad seniors and consultants, but still I spiraled into depression. Severe enough to be admitted. I was forced to quit. Back then, I thought it was the end of my career, my dream and even my life.
It took me months to recover just enough to go back to moonlighting. Luckily, I eventually recovered from my depression and was able to smile again. I told myself to be contented with what I had and just be happy. But at the back of my mind, I know I will regret if I won’t train further.
Another 2 years of moonlighting passed. I learned to accept my situation. However, call it God’s plan, there was something in store for me. One of my closest medschool friend tried to reach out after finishing his residency. We immediately reconnected and became each others’ confidante. After hearing my story, he subtly pitched his specialty.
I started to entertain the idea to try training again but I was hesitant. I was afraid to fail and revisit my previous experience. Also, investing in this specialty would be financially difficult for me. Few months past, then I saw a post in social media about basic course program in the said specialty. I blindly enrolled and just told myself to check it out. At first I was confused and had difficulty with the course. But, as it progressed, I enjoyed it, became genuinely intrigued and eventually aced all exams by the end of the course. I applied immediately.
I got accepted by one of the biggest government institution offering the program. I was blessed it was a government hospital and I didn’t have a wife and kid back then. That enabled me to invest most of my salary in instruments and equipments the specialty requires.
From day 1 of residency up until my chief resident year, it all passed like a breeze. TBH it was hard and very challenging especially the learning curve of the surgeries. But, I wholeheartedly enjoyed and loved my training.
Fast forward today, after seeing uncountable number of patients and doing thousands of surgeries, my passion for my specialty and this profession never diminished.
Every now and then, heartbreaking news needs to be explained and complications need to be honestly divulged. But, I learned to accept it as long as I did my best and my patients are fully and properly informed. Even with these, this profession allows me to see genuine smile, tears of joy, and laughter of patients. This profession also allows me to help and change someone’s life for the better. Financial reward is also a bonus. Now, I have assets I only dreamed of having and travelled to surreal places I can’t ever dare imagined.
Remembering the difficulties that life and this profession gave me, the roller coaster-like journey, and the current outcome. Now, I can finally say it was worth it. I thank God for this, and I hope and pray everyone can ultimately say it also.
I know the future is still unknown. But I hope when I hit a wall, run over a bump, or fall in a well along the way, I’ll remember this journey of mine and inspire me to push through and continue to dream and fight.
To those who feel lost, depressed, tired, and in deep sh*t, I hope my journey helps you realize that there will always be hope. Don’t just give up, continue to fight for your dream. It will be difficult, but it can be done. Hopefully in the end, all of us can say that it was worth it.