Where to go in life
First time posting here, and I (26F) think that already says enough.
I've just ended my relationship with my boyfriend, and we live together in a rental home since almost 2 years. I've always dated men, but I knew I could theoretically be into women since I was about 16.
It never came to it, since I didn't feel attraction unless I knew that a person would potentially be into me. I've not been single for a year since I was 16. That's 10 years ago now. I've had 5 relationships in those 10 years, one even lasting 4 years but I broke it up because I felt like I had to constantly change myself to make him happy.
I come from a messy childhood where men (father and stepfather) always had a domineering influence, affecting my emotional development and changing my behaviours into conflict avoidance and disarming. I became invisible to avoid anger, shouting and physical abuse. None of these fathers are in my life right now, my biological father ran away when I was 6 and my ex-stepfather is completely out of the picture since I was 10/11 years old. It's safe to say that during my upbringing, I've had no example of a healthy female-male relationship. This has haunted me to this day, and it is part of the reason why I broke up with my boyfriend now.
I've had a horrible relationship with sex all my life. Since I was a child, the idea disgusted me to my core and I developed an eating disorder mainly because I didn't want to develop the female form. Again, this was avoidance behaviour because I was afraid of growing up in a sexualized world. I've had serious problems with misogeny and self hatred, body dismorphia and shame. Only ever since I've decided I want to become a mom someday (it was 2022), I've accepted that I'm inside a female body and have feminine characteristics. I no longer think I have problems with my gender, I'm just me. I wear guys clothes 50% of the time. It used to be 90% of the time as a child. This fact may or may not be relevant.
I had my first sexual encounter when I was 17, with a guy. I always stuck with guys because they showed interest in me and I was just looking for stability, safety and validation. No man in my life ended up giving me the safety that I desire as I'm writing this endless wall of text. I'm well aware that childhood PTSD may play a big part in my current venting but I'm restless, trying to figure out all the choices I've made in my past to decide how to move forward.
In my recent relationship, we had sexual problems because he gave me the freedom and space to not have sex. I took that freedom, and it felt like such a relief that I didn't have to have sex all the time to avoid disappointing my partner. In my previous relationships, sex always hurt but I could enjoy it eventually. But healthy, it was not. In the last months/year of my currently ended relationship, I've only felt the ick when he tried to get me in the mood. I don't want to be touched anymore except for hugging. Even his kisses I would avoid. It's too invasive, too eager, too much. It makes me think that I need to perform or pretend just to make him happy. I'm afraid of being used, like I felt used in previous relationships. Is it misogyny that I have let myself been used, or am I secretly expressing feministic frustration because I can't accept being used or invaded by a guy. Did they even use me, or am I a poor communicator with a weak spine?
Now, I'm not sure whether I've just brainwashed myself all my life to comply with male validation. I've only had major guy crushes, and only a few light female crushes. But in my experience, I solely crush on people that I think I could end up with. With that logic, it makes sense that I direct any sense of romantic aspirations towards men because men just are more likely to like women than women do. Especially combined with my internalised misogyny, ive rarely found a girl that made me feel special talking to them.
Until recently (februari/march 2026), I met a girl at a party. She was so unlike anyone I've ever met. I'm honestly kinda strange myself, and it felt like finally meeting someone who is like me. I'm currently also on an autism Discovery, she has autism as well. She made a funny remark (something theatrically horny) and we shared a lollipop. I felt an electric shock in my whole body. I never talked to her afterwards until I called her out of nowhere some weeks ago (June), crying and confused, because I don't know what to do with the autism thing and with my boyfriend who simply does not make me feel safe and secure. She confirmed what i already knew and I broke up with him. Here I am now.
I know she is bi, but at the party months ago, she said she was dating a guy for the first time. No clue what the status is currently.
My question is now: should I stay single for at least a year and try to discover who I am without the influence of any romantic partner (male or female) or should I discover my sexuality in a few months and see where it goes?
My problem: I have heavy-set beliefs about kissing and intimacy, meaning that once I kiss with someone, that it automatically means (in my head) that I should be in a relationship. Ive never 'dated', it just always went from short term friends to relationship before I knew it. Maybe it would do me good to stop trying to find my life partner, stop finding validation, and focus on being on myself and living my life with friends. But honestly, maybe I'm mostly discouraged about finding a new man. Maybe I'm supposed to be with someone like that girl from the party. She felt safe, and she understands me so easily.
Am I just too damaged by men like my exes and my father(s), and is this just my mental problems deciding that men are unsafe? Or is it truly a part of my sexuality that I could love a specific type of woman like that girl. I'm meeting up with her soon together with a good guy friend of mine. The three of us are perfectly weird together.
Sometimes I wish there was a simple test for this kind of stuff, like those stupid BuzzFeed quizzes. But in my heart, I kinda know that the only test I can do, is actually try and date a girl for once. But...it's scary.
Can anyone relate to this misogyny-ptsd-male centered validation-bi curious-autism journey? Maybe I just want to know that I'm not alone, and that of course it's scary to re-evaluate your life. Please share me your stories if you can relate to mine, it would comfort me a lot.
Greeting to you all, gals!