Male best friend has feelings for me…
I just feel fucking betrayed. Like deeply betrayed and I’m so pissed.
For context, he presented himself as gay. His interest was always in men, so assumed there would never be anything between us. Well, I’m fucking stupid.
We knew each other for years, like a decade, and he was literally my best friend. Like I saw him as like akin to a platonic soulmate, like someone who I’d forever want in my life. I never felt uneasy. I often never make friends with men because they can never keep it platonic unless they’re gay. And rn I’m going through a horrible time with my very dysfunctional and homophobic family, so basically I gave up on trying to have a relationship with them. My ex and I broke up not too long ago and most of my early college friends and I drifted apart just simply from diverging paths. So really, my only friend and confidant was him. I tried dating again and making new friends, but with all the family BS on my plate, I got drained quickly so I put it all on the back burner.
We hung out and had a really good time. We got a bit drunk and while I was thinking in my head “wow, I am having so much fun with my best friend. I never want this to end” he was having other thoughts. After the hangout, he messaged me and said he kept having thoughts of kissing me and then said he maybe is attracted to me.
I’ve told him countless of times I DO NOT like men. The idea of being with one in any way non-platonic makes me want to actually jump off a cliff. And that men showing interest in me is deeply unsettling. I told him how I hate how my family and coworkers and even a few friends have pushed or still push men onto me, asking me which ones I find attractive and that I should sleep with men to “see how it is” because I could be bisexual or some other bullshit. Hell, even my ex did that shit to me even though she was a supposed “lesbian”.
And he seemed like the only one who actually understood. Apparently not.
It just sucks because he’s literally the only person who I trusted and now it’s shattered sort of. Like I feel icky now, and I don’t feel comfortable and I feel deeply anxious and unsettled. I don’t see why he had to tell me that, as if I’d suddenly change my mind when I’ve been so adamant that I don’t like men.
And it hurts how every time I open up and trust people, they shatter it again and again. I’m starting to wonder if maybe I should just quit people entirely for a few months or even a year and just be happy by myself.
Edit: He also keeps saying it’s because he was drunk, but like… I never had those thoughts come out of nowhere unless I truly deeply desired them while sober. Idk I feel like it’s an excuse but maybe I’m overreacting.