Boyfriend (37M) wont stop using breakup, WYD?
First ever reddit post of my own 🥳! Thank you ahead of time for listening to anyone who sees this. Its a mess but I’ll try to keep it brief. For context, I (33F) have been in a committed long distance relationship with my boyfriend (37M) for over 2 years now. This is a very long distance relationship, talking west coast to east coast of the states. Not across the globe or anything, but still a pricey direct 6+ hour flight ya know? Due to his job, he travels for work fairly often and is able to do some work remotely, which is super helpful in our situation. We met in person while he was on a work trip a few years back. My job is much less flexible than his but with some advance notice, I can take time off to fly to him. Because of the natures of both of our jobs/lifestyles, he does far more flying than I do and sees me on my coast much more often than I do on his. (I should note that he makes significantly more $ than I do, the company pays for a huge portion of his travel costs, and he doesn’t suffer from any lost wages due to travel. He’s salaried. I work hourly in hospitality, so when I’m not physically at work, I don’t make any $. Plus begging someone to cover me to take time off is like pulling teeth.) I am grateful for his job’s flexibility and he is usually fairly understanding about the differences in our situation and gladly comes to me, most of the time*.
Before we met, we had both been in long-term traditional relationships. He was engaged, together for 10 years, and I lived with my Ex and were discussing marriage, together for 7. I moved to a new city following my last breakup and have been struggling with social isolation and depression quite a bit since.
Also, We talk on the phone A LOT, of course. Over time, we have argued much more and experienced imbalances in our conversations. We are at the 2 year mark- so naturally, as relationships progress, people start to reveal their true colors and become settled in their dynamic with one another. He’s becoming increasingly irritable with me going to him less often, and me being the more talkative one, venting, talking on the phone for hours, etc. Admittedly, I have been less patient with several of his behaviors and less excited to hear from him over time. I have been in a stressful customer-facing job for several years now and I’ve always been a venter/ranter. So I have a lot to say about work at the end of the day and I don’t necessarily have a lot of other people to talk to about it. (I am working on going back to solo therapy soon lol.) Him and I have talked about having a serious future together and were planning on me moving to him in the next 7 or so months. We have been in couples therapy for a few months now, with the goal of strengthening our relationship enough where we could move in together, and to lessen arguments.
Only a few months into our relationship, an incident happened where he was drinking with his friends. We talked on the phone after his friends left and he drunkenly said hurtful things and brought up breaking up with me. Apologies and regrets after. I forgave him. That was the first time.
Over our relationship, he has brought up breaking up one way or another, fairly routinely. Usually when he’s frustrated or a stressful event occurs. Its honestly about every couple of months. At this point, I can count at least 6 major arguments because of these “breakup talk incidents”. Every time, he regrets it, apologizes, doesn’t mean it- it’s a whole charade. Here are some examples:
“You are not the right person for me.”
“Do you want to break up?”
“Why are we together?”
I could keep going. Anyway…
He does this whole routine where he gets really upset and feels his big feelings, does the breakup bs, then calms down eventually and apologizes. He often simultaneously defends himself and his reasoning for using that language. But every time, he wants to be together still, swears that he loves me so much and doesn’t mean it. Not only is he threatening our relationship during half of his emotional tantrums, but he also gets pretty insulting and disrespectful towards me when he’s upset (calling me a B***h, accusing me of cheating, calling me goalless in my career choice, weird racial comments, you name it. It’s quite wild sometimes, truly). And for those insults, will also eventually apologize and say he shouldn’t have done it.
A few weeks ago, I went out with coworkers after work. We had an argument earlier that day (I could write another post about that one alone lol). I was in public and wanted to just chill while I grabbed late night apps with my coworkers. I was texting him but didn’t answer his call, I just wanted to decompress after a long day. He sent me a text message saying “I think we should break up.” There it was, really putting the axe to it now. Who sends a breakup text at 2am to his girlfriend of 2+years (that he claims he’s “madly in love with”) while in your late 30’s ????
Since then, he has flip flopped between defending himself saying it wasn’t a real breakup text because he said “I think” and because we talked after, then saying he meant it and he should have followed through with the break up, and then apologizing 2 minutes later. My head is spinning with all of the twists and turns. So which is it? Do you want me or not? The only thing consistent is his inconsistency here. In therapy, we’ve talked about meaning what you say and saying what you mean, and him not defaulting to breakup talk as a coping mechanism when things get tough, like to actually talk about his real feelings instead. Maybe I’m a more literal person or a more mature person than he is, but if I wanted to break up with someone I would do it and stick to it. When people speak, I tend to take them seriously, although I probably shouldn’t take him seriously anymore. To be extremely clear, I DO NOT USE BREAKUP TALK LIKE THIS. This is a one-sided issue of his. Needless to say, there has been no progress in this department, things have only gotten worse.
Either he truly does want this relationship to end and is finding difficulty expressing it, or wants me to end it for him, or this is the most chronic case of emotional mismanagement I can think of?
Either way, it’s extremely disrespectful and confusing for me. I’ve already drawn a hard boundary of not accepting it in the past. Also, I said last time was the last time, and that I was done giving out chances. I really do love him and all of the amazing parts of our relationship. I’ve cried and pleaded with him to change and stop the back and forth. Promises he will, but hasn’t yet after almost 2 years of this behavior. I know I deserve better, this is just sad. So Im at a crossroads. Do I choose my self-respect and end it? Or do I stay? I feel like complete garbage and so conflicted. Thank you Obi Wan Reddit users, you are my only hope. 🙏💕🤞