Trying to understand God and my faith more.
Hi everyone! I do want to say that I read a lot of what people already had to say about their journies of being trans and Christian, and it already has helped me a lot.
I could give a lot of context, but I want to try to be brief, and then I can go in more detail later if necessary. From where I'm at now and where I've been for quite awhile, I have no doubt in God working in my life and believing in Him. In fact, about 9 years ago, when I came out, believing in God was intrinsically tied to that. It is what made me believe.
But being Christian is an entirely different thing. The reason I started to believe in God is because I needed to. I got clean from drugs and started a 12 step program. I was an atheist at the start, and I had a lot of fear about believing in something, but I was told God could be whatever I wanted as long God is loving and caring. So I started from scratch, just trying to pray to something to help me. I didn't use anything religious to help me with this. Only others' experience and my direct contact with God. It's because God guided me to knowing I was trans that I was sure He existed and that He was always with me. I had many other experiences as well, but this one really made me believe.
So now, after I came from a really bad period of anxiety and depression at the end of last year, I knew I needed an even stronger relationship. I have finally been looking at things from a religious perspective, because I wanted to know more about how others besides in 12 steps grow closer to God. I had started to look into a Christianity (I grew up Catholic, so it was familiar). I also looked at other religions, too. The only other one that really stood out to me was Hinduism. I knew I needed something with a strong theistic perspective, and these two seemed to be the most relatable.
I won't talk too much about what I learned in Hinduism, since this space really isn't about that. But with Christianity is where I have been back and forth. The biggest one, which usually is for trans people, is how do I even be a Christian while being trans. The "is it a sin" is the most common one, which I feel has been thoroughly talked about here. The other one is about identity, because the Bible does talk about our only identity being with Christ. I have prayed on that a lot. The best I have come up with is that the "trans" label is more of a descriptor for myself, but not the center of my existence. After all, God is the center of it all. I have been thinking less of trans being "mine" and more of it as a gift from God. I feel that I have to believe that God, if it's His will, could take it back. Not that He would, because that is not in God's character, but more so of an understanding of how powerful and infinite God is. This is mostly what I've been working with so far.
The other part is more about Christianity being the narrow path. Being in the 12 step fellowship, I am used to people have many different beliefs, and I can see God and spirituality working in their lives. I have a very difficult time with the idea that believing the gods they believe in are false, because it seems like for Christianity to truly work, you have to believe only in the trinity, and that anything else is false. For myself, I also was raised spiritually in this programme with being open minded. And it has been absolutely necessary in my journey, or I would have never believed at all. I have a lot of fear about closing doors to open new ones, even though I have done it plenty of times already. Transitioning was clearly one of them!
And the specifics of doctrine as well. Like believing the Bible to be truth and the inspired word of God. Also about the purpose of Jesus' sacrifice, granting us salvation, and that he rose from the dead. How do people believe all of this to be true with conviction? I am still working on understanding what I believe as far as an afterlife goes. I'm immersing myself in this as much as I can on my own power. Watching videos, reading the Bible, praying and meditating in ways where I am being very vulnerable with God. I am a very logical left brained person, so belief in general has always been difficult, but when I see God working in my personal life, it's a lot different than attributing historical events and post death events to knowing exactly what God is doing.
You may wonder, why are you trying to be a Christian anyway? Obviously something is drawing me towards it. The biggest positive I have always felt is forgiveness. Other religions touch on it, but Christianity talks about it in a way that completely fills up my heart and spirit. I can't not cry thinking about when they are nailing Jesus to the cross, experiencing extreme physical pain, and he says "father, forgive them, for they know what what they do." I strive to be this forgiving in my life more than anything. I also like how Christianity talks about how we can just call on God anytime, and the more we simply let Him be first, everything else seems to work out. I feel like I've been trying to do this. I've even shut off the music in my car while driving, just to be in His presence more. I can tell you for sure, that I am more at peace, even with internal conflict, when I do this. My anxiety has gone down significantly, and I don't get as obsessed about uncertainty and all my life problems. I just do what I need to do next, and let Him.
I have also tried different churches, and I am finding more community with people who also believe in God. I love talking about God with others, and I feel like I have been finding potential homes in Christian communities. Other religions could potentially do this as well, but it is difficult to find them, and also the time with my work schedule, to do so. Either way, I guess I'm being led to where I'm going. I'm choosing the churches carefully, so all of them have been welcoming and accepting of me being there. I'll be a sinner, trans or not, so I'm welcome in what some would call the hospital for sinners. And I feel I get better as I get closer to God.
Ok that was a lot. So I'll say TL;DR version is I believe in God, mostly because I'm trans, but I'm having some trouble with Christianity specifically. I probably have more on mind, and other aspects of this are definitely going on, but I think this is a good place to start.