is it a sin to wish that i was never born or sometimes wanting nothing after death so the pressure is off of my shoulders?
i dont know how to format this so here we go, i am a 20 yr old with autism/adhd/ocd/schizoaffective/ptsd (i know its a lot, ive been trying to work with psych to take down unneeded diagnosis's) who converted december 2025 after i nearly died of an arrhythmia from a bad psych med combo. before converting i identified as a transwoman and pansexual but immediately detransitioned and started repressing myself. i quit marijuana suddenly with Gods help, started studying my bible and praying excessively, and thought i was "cured" of being lgbtq. it turns out i was in a psychotic episode full force on and off and my ocd was controlling my theology. and after i converted my life immediately went down hill along with the aforementioned mental health problems. people started betraying me, my physical health began to decrease, my psychiatrists treated me horribly because i tried to collaborate with them, nearly dying on clozapine the day after getting my fiance baptized, death threats to my family out of the blue, moving out after a "friend" sabatoged me and my fiance by manipulating my parents, and everything else under the sun going wrong. i also just have a voice in my head pretending to be God just nagging me, just like a pharisee. probably from all of the Christian content i watched because i thought God was speaking me through it and the ai convos. i just want some sort of rest or peace, my psych/therapist doesnt even know what to do. ive been self medicating through marijuana, nicotine, alcohol, and the little i have left of my klonopin just to even survive the constant torture i feel on a daily basis. that and recently as they put me on an antipsychotic and antidepressant that finally works and i finally am able to see what is actually me and my dysphoria came back and started questioning everything. even started deconstructing and seeking the meaning of the clobber passages but i get so many conflicting answers and it makes me feel like its all completely hopeless. i just want certainty and the chance to express myself how i want but ill repress myself for God. all i want to do is please Him, even if it destroys me but that comes with a price. im just tured of fighting >!and everyday recently ive been considering checking out permanently so i can just get hell over with.!< i know yall will say call 988 or go to the er, but they both failed me so many times. ive been to the mental hospital 9 times and 988 just felt like a robot. i dont know if its because im not reading my bible enough, i dont know what i did. i just want a second of peace. sometimes i just want God not to be real because i just want the pressure of heaven and hell to be off my shoulders, i want the pressure of having theology right off, and i just want to be who i feel i am. i just dont even know, what do yall think?
edit added context, addiction is recent development after death threats, psych messing up my meds, and severe depression. i have a church and a pastor, i believe in the nicene creed, i pray regularly almost compulsively. i am currently in zyprexa withdrawal after my psych took me off in one month and my dumba** lost the bottle and found it the last day before i was taken off that and klonopin. i am also in a living situation where food supply is limited and i am unable to work because of my mental and physical disablillities. i dont blame God for any of this, i just cant follow Him right now