I HATE BEING TRANS ITS AWESOME
Sometimes I want to cling to my faith and think that everything is a test, that everything is a punishment, that maybe this is how it has to be so I can learn something. Let me introduce myself: my name is Sophie. I’m 25 years old and I’m almost a trans woman. I identify as one and I’m proud of it. What I’m not proud of is knowing that I’ll never be able to transition, that everything seems lost. Sometimes I think it’s a cruel trick played by God. because everything is always against me. My current problem is my marriage. I married a cis woman whom I love, but she wants children, so that means goodbye to the option of hormones. We don’t have much money, so I’m living off her promises that maybe someday I’ll be able to have surgery. But honestly, I don’t see a clear path forward. No matter how much I explain it to her, she doesn’t understand that I hate looking at myself in the mirror. She can’t come to terms with the idea that I hate myself for aging in a body that I don’t like. She’s autistic, so she takes everything literally. I’ve thought about starting hormones in secret, but I can’t. I don’t know what to do. I feel alone and lost. I’m ashamed of who I am, and every night I just beg Jesus to end my pain—I can’t stand being alive anymore.