u/Strict_Operation_177

A week ago I lost my soul dog.

He turned eight in February and I had horrible death anxiety for him out of the blue. I thought it was because he was half the age of my childhood dog, also a pug, who lived to be 16, and I was anxious about being in the later half of his life.

He got into some trash while I was out (even though it had a lid) and I took him to the emergency vet to check for any foreign bodies. Instead they found a liver tumor that was bleeding into his abdomen. It felt like a bad dream. He didn’t show signs of internal bleeding (his gums were pink, he was walking, he was breathing fine, his paws and ears were warm). The vet told me it was likely cancer and that euthanizing him wasn’t a wrong option because it would cost $10,000-15,000 to remove the tumor.

I couldn’t give up on him so I brought him to a specialist who checked for additional tumors and found nothing. He was cleared for surgery and had a lobe of his liver removed. They said the tumor had a lot of blood clots around it, but it didn’t look like it had spread anywhere.

I spent an hour with him after his surgery and the vet tech was already hopeful about his progress. I left my visitation feeling relief for the first time in days, convinced that he was going to come home.

That night at 4AM he got a blood clot that likely went to lungs and he passed.

I wasn’t with him when he left. He died in his least favorite place surrounded by people he didn’t know. I pushed him into surgery because I wanted him here. I begged him to make it home. I don’t know if it was what was best for him. I feel so much guilt.

I look for him everywhere. I can’t eat. I would do anything to reverse time. I wish I would have listened to my gut and asked for more tests at his annual check up. I feel like I failed him.

It’s a long shot but it is looking like I will need a bit more Cascade 220 Superwash in Doeskin Heather (Col. 1926, Lot. 7J9743)

If you have skein you are willing to part with (or part of skein), please let me know!