Do you experience any feelings, and if so which ones?
I occasionally, will be sad when I think about my dad dying, but with my mom and stepmom after the initial shock went away I barely ever feel anything related to them.
But I have been literally crying over my animals after being hospitalized and thinking they were going to die because no one would rescue them. They were alone by themselves for three days.
Finally some one rescued them. I then found out that they can only stay where they are for 7 days and I have to go into a nursing home until I get stronger.
I was freaking out and crying because I thought I was and possibly am going to lose my animals forever.
I don't typically bond with people and I have only bonded with a few people in my lifetime. There were times when I wondered if I even loved my own child. I know it sounds horrible, but I am not wired to experience love.
I don't know what the sensation of that even feels like. I've heard people say it feels warm, fuzzy and when it comes to romantic partners sometimes you get butterflies, but I've never experienced any of that.
I know about loyalty, commitment, and how to be kind, and how to do things for others but I don't get this reward feeling that I think most people get from doing it. I do it out of duty. I raised my child out of duty and did my very best to treat them as best as I possibly could. I did hug them, and did my best to be emotional with them but it was all fake. I didn't get any rewards from hugging my children reading them stories doing things for other people I don't feel any way about that. I do it because I know it's the right thing to do.
But for some reason being alone for a long time and having my animals, I bonded with them. In the way that I bond with some people. Now when I do feel emotions it seems like they're very strong, and then they fade rather quickly, but this one hasn't.
When I lost my dad, I drank for about 2 years, and not once did anybody ever know that I was drunk. Not one person in my world that knew me knew that I was drinking as much as I was, and I rarely ever felt drunk. I knew that I felt some sensations, but I couldn't tell you what they were.
But I also cried over losing my dad off and on for many years. I have not cried like that over losing anybody else. I know I'm all emotional, and concerned about my animals, and how to protect them from being taken away from me basically.
If they stay in the facility where they are at for more than 7 days it's considered the surrender even though this is related to a medical issue that I'm having. No I don't have anybody to take care of them at this point and I'm looking for help.
I mean they give me purpose, because I have somebody there with me and they don't bother me too much and I take care of them. That's my purpose and I'm disabled right now due to some things out of my control and I can't work and it gives me purpose to take care of my animals.
So, I've been crying a lot today and that's not typical of me, and it feels very intense and strong and then after a few minutes with dates. But the nurse here at the hospital said that I was having anxiety over my animals. I honestly don't know if it's anxiety. I don't know what it is other than a sense of profound loss.
I mean normally I just don't have these sensations and I don't even know where in my body that is different. I can't even explain why I'm crying other than it feels like a profound loss like I'm losing my purpose in life at this point in time.
I'm sorry for all the run-on sentences, I'm still in the hospital and not at my best.
So I was wondering for people who do actually feel feelings, which I do sometimes but they're very vague and it's like holding water in your hand with your fingers open, they just slide through and then it's like when your hand dries they're gone.
Anyways I was wondering if you guys feel feelings at all if so which ones I know I also feel anger, and agitation at times and I can feel sad occasionally, but most the time I'm just flat. I'm not good or bad I don't know what happy is I know it content is like having being content with life but not happiness.
Occasionally I will experience a strong Joy but like I said it just fades really fast.
I'm not sad about the way I am or feel a certain way about the way I am it's been really protective and a lot of ways so I don't want to change myself I just want to maybe relate to other people with my condition of alexithymia and also I have autism in ADHD.
And do people think you have emotions, because a lot of people think I have emotions? And trying to explain that I don't for the most part is like speaking a language that the world has never heard.