I don't know why this is happening to me.
4 to 5 years ago, I've experienced a bizarre series of events that have really taken a toll on me, and have made my life miserable. I figured this would be the best place I could get answers from. As I think the questions I'm looking to answer pertain to the topic of how the brain processes information, and how and why we experience things. What I've been experiencing is related to OCD, but I've decided to reach out to anywhere that might provide some answers for what I've been dealing with. As I'm desperate and can't take living like this anymore. The things I've experienced have been very weird.
I'll start by saying that music has been the thing I'm most passionate about, and has been my number 1 interest in my life. I've been infatuated with music since as long I can remember. One of my earliest memories was listening to The Beatles and absolutely loving them. and have listened to music nearly everyday since then, and was certain that I was having the same deep, profound connection, and musical enjoyment to music nearly everyone else has. However between 4 and 5 years ago, I've experienced the worst thing that could possibly happen to me, which is to have it taken away from me. In November of 2020, I had what I thought was an intrusive thought regarding my love for music. as far as I can remember, the thought appeared in my head, as an image of a white background with black lettering spelling out, "It's an illusion". For whatever reason, I thought that this thought randomly appeared in my head, and meant that my love for metal music in particular was not real, and that I was confusing some other feeling for the specific musical response we have in our brains when we listen to music we like. For over a month I wasn't able to experience that musical response of enjoyment with metal, but I still thought I was enjoying all other music I liked just like anyone else would. For almost 2 months I wasn't able to have the musical response of enjoyment for metal, Until I realized that the thought was not random and that I had the thought of my own will, amazingly my enjoyment of metal came back. For the following 2 weeks or so, I was desperately trying not have that thought appear in my head spontaneously, because I believed that if the thought appeared spontaneously in my head, it would mean that it was true. Unfortunately, around the end of January 2021, I was on a drive with a friend, and a thought spontaneously appeared in my head, of an image of a white background, with black lettering spelling out, "It's actually an illusion" and immediately after having that thought, I couldn't quite get the same musical response out of metal, as I could with everything else. Throughout the course of the year, I would ruminate on this thought and would try to prove why it was not true, but to no luck. However, Whenever I would listen to rock, jazz, soul etc, I believed I liked those genres the same way nearly everyone else does when they listen to music they like.
It gets worse as in October 2021, while performing mental compulsions as to try to not have any thoughts like what I have described appear in my head, I had another thought spontaneously appear in my head, again as an image of a white background, with black lettering spelling out, "electric is actually an illusion" and from then on, I was not able to experience the full musical response of enjoyment to any music with electric guitars. But I still was certain I liked music with acoustic guitars. The worst one yet was a month later, when on a drive with a friend, I was once again trying not to have those spontaneous thoughts appear in my head, when unfortunately a thought spontaneously appeared in my head of an image of a white background, with black lettering spelling out, "acoustic is actually an illusion" and from that point on, I have no been able to enjoy music the same way everyone else can. The thing is that, I still feel SOMETHING. but it isn't what I was certain I was experiencing before. I think that it's something that approximates that full on musical response of enjoyment, or perhaps a very diminished response. sometimes I can get emotional listening to music still, and even experience goosebumps, but ever since I've had those intrusive thoughts, I've not been feeling what I was certain I was experiencing before. As I was certain that I was having the same specific musical response of enjoyment that nearly everyone else has when they listen to music. I wouldn't think that some something as intense and unique as that experience would feel the way it does right now. Another thing is that, I knew what it was like to not experience the musical response of enjoyment to music I didn't like, but I didn't think that is was experiencing that for every genre I happen to like. I have spent everyday of the past 4 years trying to prove the thought wrong, with the hope that by proving the thought wrong, I'll know that I was truly having that same specific musical response of enjoyment everyone else has. But to no luck.
Another really bizarre event happened in May of 2022, as the days following what happened, I was having intrusive thoughts about being a psychopath, and was performing compulsions to prevent the thought from spontaneously appearing in my head. One morning, I woke up and I think I experienced an intrusive thought that once again, was an image of a white background with black lettering that spelled out, "I'm a sociopath" appeared in my head. I understand that thoughts regarding this topic in people with OCD are normal, and I thought that this meant something different than being a psychopath, but I think nothing happened when I had the thought. Until I, well, felt the need to masturbate, and if I remember correctly, I had thought that was along the lines of, "if you do masturbate, then it will revealed that you actually are a sociopath". I was debating on whether I should do it, but I didn't want the thought to be revealed to be true, eventually I decided to masturbate, but I hoped that the thought wouldn't be true while doing it. Unfortunately when I climaxed, I felt this particular feeling in my body, and ever since then, it seems like all the feelings and emotions I usually experience, like anxiety, sadness, empathy, etc I don't experience nearly as often, and not as strongly either. The thought of being a sociopath is something that's always bothered me, and I never thought of myself as one, but I've haven't felt all the emotions and feelings, as described above, NEARLY as often or as strongly as I thought I did after that thought appeared in my head. Although on a lesser number of occasions, since having those intrusive thoughts, I can feel anxiety, sadness, and empathy/sympathy strongly, but even then, it still isn't as strongly as I believed it was before.
So for the past 4 to 5 years, I've been ruminating over all these thoughts everyday, to prove they aren't true. I haven't been able to prove them untrue by any knowledge I have available to me, I realized this is a problem I'm not gonna be able to solve without someone else's help. This has led me to want to ask a few questions, which is,
.Does the spontaneous appearance of intrusive thoughts with the content I described in the paragraphs above, inherently mean anything about what may, or may not be taking place inside my head regarding the musical response of enjoyment that nearly all of us experience when we listen to music, and also regarding whether or not my brain processes emotions and feelings that could be similar to a sociopath's brain?
. If these intrusive thoughts didn't mean anything, then why is it that what I've experienced directly correlates with the appearance of these intrusive thoughts?
I don't believe that all this happened by chance. I've thought about whether or not the reason I've been experiencing this, has to do with my "subconscious mind" trying to tell me something. But the thing is that, most information regarding anything about the "subconscious mind" online is pseudoscience. And it's been hard for me to find answers based in scientifically proven empirical evidence. I don't trust Google AI or Chat GPT to provide with accurate answers of course, as nobody should do that either.
If there is anyone that does want to provide me answers, I would please prefer that it would be someone with academic credentials, who can provide me the best possible answers based on scientifically proven empirical evidence. Or if someone can provide me with information about how to contact someone who could help finding answers in person. As pathetic as it sounds, I'm hoping that it can be shown to me that if these thoughts didn't mean anything, that I, knowing this, would be able to experience the musical response of enjoyment of music just I was certain that I and nearly everyone else does when we listen to music. And to experience emotions and feelings as frequently and as strongly as someone who is not a sociopath experiences them, as I was certain I was like everyone else when It came to enjoyment of music and the experience of emotions and feelings in general.
I know that people with OCD aren't supposed to ruminate and try to prove that the intrusive thoughts we experience aren't true, but it's taken away the thing I cared about the most, and has caused me to feel less alive than I was certain I did. Music is still my number 1 interest. I want 19-20 when I had these thoughts, I'm 24 now, and I want to feel music, and emotions and feelings as strongly as I was certain I was before I had these intrusive thoughts.
I also ask anyone to please show me grace if what I'm describing sound crazy, or weird, but unfortunately this has been my lived reality for 4 to 5 years. Thank you to anyone who is concerned.