u/Subject-Technician42

I was literally on a group call and she was chatting with me and others with such vibrancy. when I followed up for one on one call, one word answers….long silence….closed doors…. I left the call feeling strange and confused….

Welcome to the twilight. Is this the same person? When this question brought up, she states that she is different with me because I see the real her, she doesn’t feel she has to ‘mask’ with me.

‘ What - you wish I was different?’ She asks, as if by me having a problem with this experience of her, I’m wrong.

this silent, ‘beg for it’ face as I like to call it, gives nothing but expects everything. Even mentions of love have a whiplash.

Anyone else have this experience. I often claim it’s all in my head but this feels like a hit my friends. I always get called sensitive or unfair whenever I suggest any of this could be remotely hurtful. Thoughts?

I have been empathising and caring for so long. Now my colour is gone. Everything I do is wrong and nothing is ever her fault. The world is against her and if I assert myself , the one safe place she trusted has hurt her. Nothing I give is good enough and I find my own mood dropping. there are not many attacks but a fading and demanding entitlement that I give emotional assurance when receiving little to none due to her perpetual suffering…

conversation with vulnerable narcissist (or at least this is what resonated most clearly for me)

my mom has cancer and I need to fly out for a couple weeks to be with her after surgery. I asked if she would like to come and join me and assumed so, she then replied that she feels like it would be good for me to be able to be present and that she feels like she and the kid would make it difficult . there is some truth to the capacity issue so all seems well. when we have friends over and they ask if she is joining she changes her tone and responds ‘ well not going as I think it will be too much of a burden for him’. This felt icky and immediately made me rethink our earlier conversation. Why did it feel like it was an insult? confused I revisited the conversation later, hey honey , I said. maybe we can look at you joining me on the trip? ‘ I’m already settled with the idea of staying’ she said cheerfully again. ‘ it will work out much better this way’ she said. feeling relieved I grabbed my laptop and began searching for tickets and blocked out the 2 weeks we had discussed earlier. she then blew up asking how come I booked so much time. what about the grass? She asked vehemently, there are so many things that you need to do! I then said ‘ sorry honey, maybe we can decide together now?’ , ‘ you’ve already decided !’ she said getting more heated. I explained that my calendar block was the maximum time and I’d be willing to look at making this work for both of us ‘ you’ve already decided!’ she yelled folding her arms and sulking at this point. confused again, I did my best to explain that this is the maximum time and that there is flexibility. ‘ when I book ( emphasis on I) I have a clear calendar of things in my head’ . I ponder for a moment , wondering what this has to do with this situation. ‘ what do you think of the dates, again sorry for not communicating the time clearly. I’m definitely not booking a flight without agreeing it with you first’ . ‘ but you did! she said, why are you telling me you’re not. you’re twisting things and telling me I’m not allowed to have feelings or be frustrated’ she then asks a litany of questions ‘ do you want to spend all the time there ?’ I respond honestly ‘ I do and I also want to meet our responsibilities, can we work this out to find the best compromise?’ …’ well that’s not what you’re doing, you’ve already decided’ she states.

by now it’s getting difficult for me ‘ I feel like I’m trying to connect but you’re pushing me out here‘. I appeal. ‘ you’re the one who’s making this more complicated and adding things’ she responds

’ I feel like you’re not understanding my side of things. My mother is ill and I want to spend time with her before and hopefully after this major surgery. this feels attacking , if I were having a conversation with anyone else I feel like they would appreciate that I have a lot on my mind right now’

’ you’re saying I’m not considerate ?’ she asks. this is when she actually gets really angry. ‘ I’m considerate in so many ways that you don’t actually even see’ she says

sulking even deeper as tears appear she repeats the concern ‘ how could you call me inconsiderate do you know how hurtful that is?’

i respond ‘ I am just sharing how I feel in this situation it’s not a general statement, you are compassionate in so many ways including letting me head on this trip to see my mom whilst you are here with our kid. I hope we can be united in the decision, I don’t want it to be a rift between us’

‘ well you’ve already decided !’ she states

‘ so do you agree or disagree with the decision?’ I ask

’ you decided, communicated poorly then blame me for being frustrated with you and having feelings . You then claim you didn’t want to be away for that long yet you booked the calendar for that time. ‘ she goes on in articulated fashion

by now I’m frustrated , tired and confused

she books the tickets. Sulking into her corner of the sofa.

20 minutes later , in silence she says with no emotion.

’ I’m sorry I’m not able to be compassionate in the way you need right now…