[F18] Why Do I Feel So Lost?
I guess I should start with what I'm hoping to get out of this post. I wanted to know if anyone is experiencing this big "why" moment in their early adulthood. Why do I get up every morning? Why do I look this way? Why do I surround myself around the people I do? What is my purpose? Do I actually feel happy?
For me, my obligation to my family and responsibilities have kept me motivated to continue my academic career and build up a fair start into an independent "life". I enjoy what I study, I have passion towards my major, I love my friends and family, but I still feel deeply unhappy. Something is constantly eating away at me and no matter how much I organize my life it all just feels like going through the motions.
I have wild fantasies of running away. I wish I could solo travel and just talk to new people everyday. I don't want to settle into something for a long while. I want to be a different version of myself whenever it pleases me.
A few months ago I was at a greasy little diner with my boyfriend and best friend. There were old people, crying babies, couples fighting, (Yk the whole thing). They played some really good classic rock and I thought to myself "This is life. This is beautiful. I'll never be in this exact moment again". I said something like "I love you guys, isn't this beautiful" and they sorta ripped me a new one. They just complained about the place and how is wasn't good, how the food was taking to long, etc. I very embarrassingly teared up before excusing myself. It feels dumb but that pretty much sums up how I feel a majority of the time.