5 years later and still have doubts
Background:
My wife (31) and I (28) have been together for 8 years. I moved to a new town and met her at work. We hit it off very quickly. Started dating and went through a lot very early on. She was there when I was at the bottom in my life. Bouncing from place to place living in unsafe environments. She was there when my best friend tragically passed away and we got married pretty shortly after. We started progressing in our careers,finally got moved into somewhere safe, but still didn’t have lots of money to do fun things to keep up with friends. I was working two jobs and treating her like a queen to make up where I lacked financially.
D-Day:
Throughout the course of me always working and us living in a better environment. I was trying to be the cool husband letting her go out and stay with friends whenever she wanted. She had friends and I didn’t as she had lived there much longer than me. There were a few times she would say she was going to visit friends then would claim to fall asleep and not come home. I was too naive to think much of it and thought she would never do me like that. This went on for about a year and her night outs started becoming more common. She went out with friends and got so drunk I had to pick her up from the bar. While driving her home I seen a guys name text her phone. I had a horrible gut feeling and went through her phone while she was sleeping.
I found that she had a physical affair with a guy that she had been talking to for nearly a month. She stayed with him twice when she told me she was staying with a friend. She claims to this day they only hooked up on the first night and did nothing the second. I still don’t believe that. There was also her ex that she was talking to about hooking up with. And a few other guys she had been sharing nude photos with. I confronted her the next morning and she owned it all. Claimed she did it for herself and never meant to hurt me.
Why I initially forgave:
Our relationship was pretty rocky due to our finances and just feeling behind in life. I was using her nights out as an escape and looking at things online I shouldn’t have been. But mainly because back in high school I hooked up with my best friend’s girlfriend. His girlfriend and I dated for nearly a year before they started dating and she came on to me when I was heavily intoxicated. He found out the very next morning and forgave me a few weeks later after we fought. We ended up living together and became better friends than ever. He ended up tragically passing away. I feel as if I stop forgiving my wife for what she did it’s as if he would’ve stopped forgiving me for what I did.
Then to now:
We moved to a new town shortly after her affair and things have slowly gotten back to normal. She seems remorseful and hasn’t gone out a single time since. Offers me access to her phone and promises to never do something like that again. My problem now is it still hurts like new at times. I have triggers that start my hurt all over again. But now 5 years later it’s something that she has moved on from that I still can’t quite shake. I thought time would heal the wounds. Which it has for the most part but there’s still pain that lingers and if brought up she just says I should leave or I should’ve left along time ago. Things are great now. We’re thriving and happy but I still have bad days. I feel like I’ve wasted my whole twenties and might as well stay for good at this point. But just need advice