u/SubstantialBit2070

Not sure if I deserve this, but I'm collapsing again.

I'm trapped in a life I do not want, nor ever really want but to keep control of my environment, I entered into it.

Flipped my life upside down, on the outside it's better - on the inside it's 10x worse.

It's not safe, I'm exposed and I'm trapped in a bunch of lies.

Worse thing is, family are involved too so I'm never really escaping this.

I remember when 'involving' myself more, the way I justified it was 'as long as you suicide after, you can keep going'.

So I'm here now, stressed. Actively seeking a suicide method is calming me down, so I wasn't lying to myself when I kept impulsively getting involved in this.

It's actually quite relaxing.

I guess it's a source of freedom/control, I guess also knowing in my situation there's no other way out of this. I can't fight my way out, it's too risky.

If I fold too, or open up, it's over.

I've made my decision, and in my opinion it's the best method of all.

To prevent unecessary exposure, damage to others, that suicide is my best option.

Maybe it's escaping the punishment that is supposed to be serve, but it also protects others, including myself.

I can't keep up my facade, and there's also no way out. I'm fucking trapped and it's due to my own actions.

I got a second chance in my eyes, and I blew it through egotistical maneuvers. I've lost my privacy and security as a result.

I'm truly unstable and there's no fixing this. This is on me.

My life will amount to nothing in the end, and my actions and past will always haunt me - more dangerous then some.

I've thought about just disappearing and running away - but it won't last.

I lie on a daily basis, I have to, to everyone. But I can't do it. I think people seeing the real me is worse than death.

I also think if people have access, or if I'm alive - I'll constantly be thinking about them which will be torture, I'll always be on guard.

There's just no point in living a life of misery.

This isn't fully my fault, but I take the responsinilty of my actions and this how I choose to deal with it.

Living with it will be more mental torture, talking about is suicide. I don't want a poor quality of life, I'd rather have no life at all.

It's a rational and logical decision in this situation, and to be homest if I find a way to go through it -> I'll be happier.

I don't want help, I want a solution, and this is mine. Honestly, I'm looking forward to it.

There's no timeline on it, it's not immediate so relax. I'm also not attention seeking, I just have to do this for myself.

Truth be told, I hate your goddamn guts.

You're beyond ret**ted. You don't think, you don't usr any brain, you just cause problems, lie and cheat about to try and cover it up.

You think others are thick too. You think you're fucking god sometimes.

Grow up and get a fucking grip.

Yes, you're life isn't fair, uour circumstsnces are shitter than most, but you're just digging your grave.

You don't do anything to help YOU, you're chasing attention, putting on this facade which is getting you nowhere.

You also, get yourself into shit all the goddamn time, you made your bed and suffer.

And I know that's hard to hear, I know the pain is unberable, but this is entirely your fault.

You know what you are, you know who you are - so why make your issues worse.

You truly deserve to d*e in my opinion, I don't really care what others say or what bullshit you'll throw at others.

I just can't be bothered with you anymore. I just can't be fucking asked to help you anymore.

I'm exhuasted.

Yes you hate your mum, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Yes she controls you, but DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

And don't run from consequences, get beaten the fuck up if you have too.

You're never going to learn.

And don't get me wrong I get it, uour situation is entirely shit, but I can't keep up this facade for you anymore.

You're a weirdo, you're sick and you need help, and if you're not gonna do it, end this suffering for us both.

Yes there are conseequences of getting help, there always is, but you did this to yourself. I'm not going to help you anymore. You crossed too many lines.