Confused
I gave a coworker a BJ after they asked. On a bike trail. We had been flirting via text for less than a month on and off. I think it was the thrill of work place. AP put their hands down my pants on the trail but didn't pleasure me and I honestly didn't feel anything for AP ... physically or emotionally. I don't know why I went along with it. I'm asexual. I have never dreamed of cheating. I hated cheaters.
I told BP immediately. I have never lied to BP in all our years together. BP said they forgive me and didn't feel I cheated because AP and I didn't have intercourse, I didn't receive pleasure, and I did not swallow. BP said they knew it would not happen again because this is completely out of my character. We have been together since I was 16, so over 30 years now. BP is my everything and treats me like a queen. How could I do this?!
For context - not an excuse. I have unmanaged ADHD that has been absolutely terrible for 6 months now. Work is beyond stressful. I am going through perimenepause. I have disorganized attachment disorder. I was sexually abused very young and completely lack boundaries and do not advocate for myself. Bp has had sexual dysfunction for decades but that never really bothered me because I never wanted sex. Again, not an excuse. I'm just trying to see what I can fix.
Should I believe BP when they say they don't think of it as cheating? Should I move on like everything is okay? I am havinga hard time forgiving myself. How do I get God's forgiveness? Anyone in a similar situation?