u/Sufficient-Code6342

So, I’m in Ohio and I graduated college this May. My college permanently shut down at the end of this year due to financial issues, so I got lucky and was able to graduate, although I am currently student teaching in a daycare due to the closure. (I only had one semester left, which was just student teaching, but now I can finish and get my degree in August.) Almost done with student teaching, too! Last day is July 28.

I recently passed my edTPA, too!! 🥳🥳🥰 I have passed all OAE’s required for licensure, (I’m a Prinary Education major, will be certified to teach Pre-K through 5) except OAE 190, Foundations of Reading…..It’s my worst nightmare…🥺🥺😭💔😭

It’s the ONLY thing between me and my licensure…..

First time I took it, my score was 210…..10 points…I was only TEN fricking points away from passing!!!!!!!!UGHHH🫩🫩 (Passing score is 220 or above)

Second time I took it, I did even worse, probably because I didn’t study, but that’s 100% on me, I got a 192…

Now I have to retake it a THIRD time…I cried when I got the score report for the second attempt. I’m so tired. Between not being able to enjoy my summer due to student teaching and this stupid exam being the only thing keeping me from my teaching license, I’m so tired. Why is this so hard? I’ve heard 190 is the hardest exam and most people fail it so I shouldn’t feel bad, but still.

I spoke with two friends who said they passed it on their first try, (imagine being them….lucky ducks. I’m so jealous.) using 240 Tutoring. They said it really helped, so I bought myself a subscription, and I’m taking notes and doing flash cards and actively studying, none of the passive studying like just reading or watching videos on their own…I really hope I pass if I apply myself and lock in and just work so, so hard. I’m so, so tired. I feel like I’m avoiding studying now and I’m like burnt out and so OVER this stupid exam…..I passed everything else, even passed the edTPA….How do I get the motivation to study and apply myself and really dedicate myself and give it my all so I can actually pass this exam? It’s is the only thing I need…Man it’s going to feel SO good when I finally pass…I was SO close the first time….🥺😭💔 Anyone have any advice?????

190 is the only OAE I have left to pass, passed all the other ones I need.

So, I’m in Ohio and I graduated college this May. My college permanently shut down at the end of this year due to financial issues, so I got lucky and was able to graduate, although I am currently student teaching in a daycare due to the closure. (I only had one semester left, which was just student teaching, but now I can finish and get my degree in August.) Almost done with student teaching, too! Last day is July 28.

I recently passed my edTPA, too!! 🥳🥳🥰 I have passed all OAE’s required for licensure, (I’m a Prinary Education major, will be certified to teach Pre-K through 5) except OAE 190, Foundations of Reading…..It’s my worst nightmare…🥺🥺😭💔😭

It’s the ONLY thing between me and my licensure…..

First time I took it, my score was 210…..10 points…I was only TEN fricking points away from passing!!!!!!!!UGHHH🫩🫩 (Passing score is 220 or above)

Second time I took it, I did even worse, probably because I didn’t study, but that’s 100% on me, I got a 192…

Now I have to retake it a THIRD time…I cried when I got the score report for the second attempt. I’m so tired. Between not being able to enjoy my summer due to student teaching and this stupid exam being the only thing keeping me from my teaching license, I’m so tired. Why is this so hard? I’ve heard 190 is the hardest exam and most people fail it so I shouldn’t feel bad, but still.

I spoke with two friends who said they passed it on their first try, (imagine being them….lucky ducks. I’m so jealous.) using 240 Tutoring. They said it really helped, so I bought myself a subscription, and I’m taking notes and doing flash cards and actively studying, none of the passive studying like just reading or watching videos on their own…I really hope I pass if I apply myself and lock in and just work so, so hard. I’m so, so tired. I feel like I’m avoiding studying now and I’m like burnt out and so OVER this stupid exam…..I passed everything else, even passed the edTPA….How do I get the motivation to study and apply myself and really dedicate myself and give it my all so I can actually pass this exam? It’s is the only thing I need…Man it’s going to feel SO good when I finally pass…I was SO close the first time….🥺😭💔 Anyone have any advice????? 190 is the only OAE I have left to pass, passed all the other ones I need.

I graduated college a couple weeks ago. I hate my family and haven’t felt emotionally safe with them since I was bullied at 9 years old. Pretty sure I have childhood trauma from it.

Graduation was horrible. Family didn’t listen to anything I wanted…I want to take nice pictures? They said to wait until after they’re done eating…and by the time they’re done, a fricking thunderstorm starts…it starts raining HARD…I sobbed and went up to my room only to find my desk covered in makeup bags and makeup supplies that my aunts and older sister put everywhere while they were getting ready for my ceremony….they didn’t clean up after themselves. My sister is in medical residency…she’s 26..a grown adult…and yet she always puts the emotional responsibility on me all the time. It’s always, “You didn’t tell me!” when something she does or says hurts me…She’s always like, “you have to communicate better, how do I know if you don’t tell me?” Why the fuck is it always on ME to tell people to treat me with basic respect and all that? Like what the fuck?????

I’m pretty sure she’s a damn narcissist. At one point, my therapist said she is based off past experiences I talked about. I ended up sobbing in my room on graduation day and ended up cleaning all the makeup shit myself….(not in therapy anymore currently because I was processing other stuff and felt like I did really good. But, I do want to go back to therapy sometime to unpack my family stuff and all that)

Anyways, the whole makeup shit happened again Wednesday. It was a religious holiday and we were getting ready to go to a dinner, and guess where my aunts and sister decided to do their makeup? In my room, again…and then my sister got pissed when I told her people do makeup in their bathrooms, not in someone’s fucking BEDROOM and that I had to clean up after her on graduation day too. She said, “Well, you didn’t tell me. If you had told me, I would have cleaned up.” Excuse me?? You did the makeup in my fucking room and now suddenly forgot you did it and tell me I have to tell you it’s there and to clean it up?? Wtf?? ….I didn’t want anything getting dirty.

I’m a trauma survivor with PTSD and the design I did for my graduation cap means so much to me and honors what I survived. The graduation cap and my diploma were on my dresser, with makeup stuff all sprawled out…They could have gotten dirty, or makeup could have gotten on the floor…

Could I have moved the cap and diploma so they don’t get dirty? Yes, but why the fuck are they doing makeup in my room in the first place??

Also, my sister gets really whiny and pissy and angry when I don’t greet her when she comes from Ann Arbor from her residency on her days off….she expects me to say hi and come downstairs to greet her, and yet she doesn’t do the same for me…I am currently student teaching at a daycare (primary education graduate) and she never says hi or anything or even one word when I come home….i don’t care if she doesn’t, it doesn’t make me said or angry or upset but like why the fuck do you expect me to say hi and act like I MUST do it when YOU don’t even fucking do it for me??? Why is there no emotional reciprocity back??? I feel much better when she’s back in Ann Arbor I hate her so much. I don’t feel emotionally safe around any of nun family.

Anyways, I was angry at her for saying “You didn’t tell me” when it comes to cleaning up. Like, you’re a grown woman use your fucking brain….why the fuck is it my job to tell you stuff?? it’s common sense….like, ok, so it’s MY job to tell you to clean up makeup supplies from my room when YOU were the one who used them?? It’s literally common sense. I shouldn’t have to tell you. You should know. Use your brain.

I got so angry and my voice and tone were angry and then she told me, “Stop acting like a demon”
I didn’t want anything getting dirty so I got angry at my sister and said she didn’t even cleanup last time after using my room to do make up and then she goes, “Did you *tell* me? 😡If you had told me, then yes, I would have cleaned up, but you didn’t tell me.” What the hell?? Why are you putting the responsibility on ME to tell you?? Are you not a grown woman?! And I HATED the tone of her voice because I’ve heard it SO many times in my life and it’s like, I don’t know how to describe it but it’s like really firm and like as if I should tell her stuff instead of her just doing something on her own without being told, like I have to tell her, just for example, that something she did hurt me, instead of being a whole grown adult and using her brain and realizing, “Something I said or did hurt her. I should apologize.” Instead of apologizing herself, she waits for ME to come tell her something she said or did upset me instead of realizing it herself…like what the heck??? That tone made me so annoyed and reminded me of all the times she’s used it on me (this isn’t a one time thing, but a pattern over many, many years) and then I got really angry and then she looked at the facial expression I was making and said, “Stop acting like a demon.”

Stop acting like a demon….she called me, her little sister, a demon….and she hasn’t apologized…she’s been avoiding me and it’s been 4 days…to get back at her, there’s an anime we watch together, and I started watching it by myself! I don’t give a crap if she gets angry. I don’t want anything to do with her.
I told her I’m not going to the dinner after that and WANTED to set that boundary even though they already paid for my ticket. I ended up going, but I wasn’t happy about it and had an attitude throughout the whole thing, and I don’t care one bit.

After she made the demon comment, my anger wore off and I know underneath it there was hurt. My aunts and sister were getting ready in the bathroom. No apology. No repair. Just laughing and getting ready and asking which lipstick they should wear, like the demon comment never even happened….Emotional neglect at its finest. All while I’m alone in my room sobbing and curled up on the floor of my room because the demon comment kept getting to me and reminded me of when I was 9 years old and learned that feeling was “bad” and that if I was sad or angry or literally feeling any and all emotion that it means I’m “bad”. I did try and self soothe and do all the things I’ve learned in therapy when it comes to IFS (Internal Family Systems) and my “parts”. I stroked my arms and talked to the 9 year old part in my head, and I even tried reminding myself of the visualization technique a mentor gave me to help me when my mom says cruel stuff (don’t have a relationship her, she feels like a stranger,) the mentor said: “Sometimes I visualize that I'm standing in a glass jar and the negativity can't get in--it just flows around me and away into the sunset.” I tried using it, but it’s not working. It feels like the word “demon” is so sticky. It’s not going away. I’m not a demon. I’m not. I just got angry. I’m good. I am.

Why the heck is my sister calling me a ****demon**** just because I told her to clean up after herself? Why is she calling me a ****demon**** just because I kept a boundary when it comes to makeup and my room? She did NOT have to go that far. I hate her. I hate her so much. I hate this stupid family so much. And I don’t care if people might say things they don’t mean when they’re angry. That’s not an excuse.

I thought her not apologizing didn’t matter. I thought I was fine. I’m not, because I woke up at 5 AM this morning from a bad dream. In the dream, I was with the mentor, and they were happy to see me. And then my sister showed up and she was hurting the mentor and I was crying and begging her to stop. I screamed, “This is why I hate you! I wish you weren’t my sister!” and I couldn’t breathe, and then I woke up from the dream struggling to breathe….

How do I get over the demon word so it goes away and stops affecting me? 🥺💔😭

(Please be nice and kind and try to understand. 💔
I posted this to other subreddits because I don’t have anyone to talk to and people said the most cruelest things. I just need someone to listen. It’s not just about the demon comment. That word reached my inner child, that 9 year old part, and that’s why it stuck so hard.)

Hi everyone,

I recently graduated college, but because my college is permanently closing, I’m currently doing my student teaching in the summer.

I’m placed in a daycare with preschoolers, and I genuinely love the children so much. They’re the reason I’ve realized I’m meant to be a preschool teacher. They hug me, give me drawings, talk to me about their lives, and I feel very connected to them. I care deeply about making them feel emotionally safe, seen, and supported. I’m a very relational teacher in that sense, and I really value that side of early childhood education.

My cooperating teacher is professional and competent, but she is not emotionally warm, and there is very little to no feedback or debriefing after I teach. I’ve been with her since Methods II as well, so I’ve had time to understand her style. It’s very much “come in, teach, manage the day, leave.” We don’t really talk about lessons afterward, and I often have reflections or questions I wish I could discuss, but there’s no space for that. At this point, I don’t even want to try changing things or talking to her about it because I don’t want to make things awkward and I already know she can’t give me what I want. I already know that her personality is very professional and she’s likely not going to change.

I don’t mean I want a friendship or anything personal. I fully understand this is a professional relationship. What I was hoping for is more collaborative reflection, mentorship, and emotional attunement in a professional sense. Someone who is “in it” with me while I’m becoming a teacher.

Right now, I have to submit 7 formative feedback logs when I teach. My CT has only completed 3 so far, and even after those, there is no discussion afterward. I often immediately see things I want to improve or ask about, but there’s no time or space to talk through them. I understand there are limitations (it’s a daycare, we must stay in ratio, children are always present, etc.), so I do recognize some of the constraints.

I also know all cooperating teachers are different, and this may just be her personality. It still doesn’t change that it feels difficult for me emotionally.

Recently, I taught a lesson I created myself, and I was really excited about it.

The original activity was for children to write a letter to their future kindergarten teacher about what makes them special. However, since not all of my students are graduating, I adapted it.

I had them write letters to their favorite fictional characters instead.

I love Frozen, so I modeled/introduced the activity as me receiving a magical letter from Anna and Elsa from Arendelle. I wrote a letter that followed the curriculum structure but made it imaginative and accessible for all children.

Here is the letter I wrote:
“Dear friends in Classroom 2,

Hello from Arendelle!

Olaf has been visiting many places in the world and told us that you are kind, creative, and very special! He said you each have your own unique ways of thinking, playing, and learning.

We have some friends from all over Arendelle and beyond who are very curious about you!

Please draw a picture of yourself and tell us what makes you special. You may draw, write words, or ask your teacher to help you write your ideas.

We are so excited to learn about YOU and see your amazing drawings!

See you soon!

Anna and Elsa”

I introduced it very dramatically on the carpet as if I had received a real letter from Arendelle, and the children were very engaged. Before the lesson, I had even asked each child what their favorite fictional character was so I could tailor the envelopes. They chose characters like Hello Kitty, Spider-Man, Sonic, and Mira, Zoey, and Rumi from Kpop Demon Hunters.

During the lesson, one child said, “Miss Fizza, you wrote this! Anna and Elsa aren’t real,” and I wasn’t sure how to respond because I wanted to keep the imaginative “magic” of the activity alive. I said they had written it to me. I did feel like the children were engaged overall, and I was proud of that.

Tomorrow, I take over full-time planning (large group, small group, read aloud, and interest areas). I’m excited but also nervous. The theme is exercise, and I planned a “Save Mushroom Kingdom!” (Super Mario!!) movement small group activity where children jump from number to number on the carpet to reach Bowser’s Castle, “defeat” him and rescue Princess Peach by gently throwing a bean bag towards his taped up picture, and then do a calming stretch (yoga incorporation!) afterward to celebrate saving the day. I’m genuinely excited to see how it goes.

Last week was preschool graduation, and emotionally, it was a really hard day for me.

My CT took a group photo of the graduating children while I was standing directly in front of them, and I wasn’t included or asked to be in it. I know this may sound small, but it really affected me because I’ve been with this group since before student teaching officially started. I know them and have cared for them for months, but it feels like I’ve been with them for years. It felt like a moment where I was physically present but emotionally invisible. I had to pretend I was more interested in the TV where the kids were watching Wild Kratts to pretend it didn’t hurt when it hurt so much. I’ve loved them, too. They’re my kids, too. I don’t need a license to care and love. It made me think, “Why am I even here??” like literally what’s the point? My CT told me to come to the graduation and I didn’t even do anything. I didn’t feel useful when they were setting up. I did find things to help with eventually, but still. I hate student teaching. I can’t wait to be done.

I ended up sobbing so hard afterward.

I’ve been with these children through so much. I’ve comforted them, held their hands, rubbed their backs at nap time, answered endless questions, helped them through scrapes on the playground and fears about bees stinging them outside, and built relationships where they come to me for comfort and safety.

One child even pulled my arms around her by herself to be held while we stood outside while watching people set up for graduation, and moments like that mean a lot to me because it shows she sees me as a safe adult. Their emotional safety and their inner worlds matter to me.

I think what’s hard is that I don’t just see teaching as a job. It’s very relational to me. I want them to know I care and love them and they’re safe with me. I really enter the child’s world with them. And because of that, the lack of relational connection in my placement feels very intense for me.

At one point, the director told me I was part of the staff and could have bagels she bought for the staff, telling me, “You’re part of our staff!” which meant a lot, especially compared to other moments where I’ve felt more like I’m not fully included in the classroom team.

I’m struggling with feeling like I belong in this environment, even though I love the children deeply. The emotional side of the placement has been harder than the teaching itself.

I guess my question is:

Am I wrong or unrealistic for wanting a cooperating teacher who is more emotionally warm in a professional sense, and who offers more debriefing and reflective conversation after teaching?

I don’t need friendship or anything personal. I know it’s a professional relationship. I just want mentorship, feedback conversations, and someone who is engaged in my growth as a teacher, not just observing it from a distance. While I was teaching the Frozen lesson, my CT was there watching me, just staring at me….And after, I expected her to say something, like whether she liked it or not, but nothing….crickets….COMPLETE SILENCE….she didn’t say a single thing and it hurt so much because I was genuinely excited for this beautiful activity I created and did so good on, and I didn’t get ANYTHING back….

I feel a bit lost in that gap right now, and I’m not sure if this is just part of student teaching or if it’s okay to want something different. Definitely has taught me I am not ever going to work there for a job, or teach at a daycare full time for a job.

Hi! I recently graduated college with a bachelor’s of arts in primary education, but since my college is permanently closing forever, I am doing my student teaching right now, in the summer.

I’m student teaching in a daycare with preschoolers, and I love the children so much, and my cooperating teacher is professional, but she is not emotionally warm nor does she give any feedback after I teach….I’ve been with her since before student teaching even started, since I also was placed with her for Methods II, so I’ve gotten to know how she is as a person, and as a relational person myself, it sucks and I hate it. I don’t like the daycare setting at all. The children? Absolutely, yes, they made me realize I’m meant to be a preschool teacher. They hug me and give me drawings they made. I love them so much. Kids feeling emotionally safe with me matters and I want them to know I care and love them and they’re safe and loved. I always bend down to their level when talking to them and love when they talk to me about their day or what they did over the weekend and I ask questions and engage a lot. I just care so much. Very relational person/teacher. It’s not just a job to me, not just “clock in, teach, go home, repeat.”

I was wondering if anyone could tell me if I’d be a good fit for Montessori. I’ve done my own research and I love some aspects of it (especially Maria seeing the child as a capable learner and how teaching is child-led with the teacher being more of a guide and observer, love the wood materials and overall aesthetic of the rooms) but I’m worried that my relational and really nurturing and caring personality won’t be a good fit for Montessori. Is that true? I understand the children do “works” and have work rugs to work on, each material is laid out on shelves in an open space and children will choose themselves what to work on. (I am very, very new to Montessori and only just now started getting into it and various other educational/teaching philosophies, so I’m learning a lot and doing as much research as I can.)

Right now, as I’m learning to lesson plan and plan my own lessons at my preschool, I love being dramatic and making learning fun and exciting and incorporating creativity and imagination into lessons (Recently created a small group activity where the kids wrote fictional letters to their favorite characters (drawing and verbally telling me what makes them special. They even got their own envelopes to put the letters in, which they could decorate! Each letter was addressed to their favorite fictional character. I asked each kid what their favorite character was days before and made a list, then wrote “To: (name of fictional character) From: ____ (The child wrote their own name)” on each envelope) but I introduced it by pretending I received a letter from Anna and Elsa (my favorite fictional characters from Frozen) I adapted the curriculum to my students, as the original said to write a letter to the children’s kindergarten teacher next year, but not all of my students were graduating, so I made it accessible for every child through fictional characters.)

Is this kind of use of imagination and creativity allowed in Montessori? I don’t think so. What about being emotionally warm or nurturing? When kids come to me to show me a “boo-boo” of course I acknowledge it and say I’m sorry they got hurt. I just love the relational aspect of teaching. Their inner worlds matter to me. I don’t think I like traditional classrooms where we decide what the kids learn every week. I love Maria’s belief that the child can learn themselves, it’s less of us controlling them and more trusting them to learn, believing they’re capable, competent learners.

I am very lucky, as there is an accredited private Montessori school 9 minutes away from where I live! I emailed them asking for a tour of the school and the chance to observe a Children’s House environment to see it in action and if I like it. They actually have an opening for this upcoming school year for a full time Pre-K/Kindergarten teacher position! In the job description it says, “AMS certified in Early Childhood or willingness to obtain after the first year of teaching”

As far as certification, I know it takes 1-2 years. But what I’m scared of is what if I take the time and spend the money to get certified but then realize I don’t like it? It would just be wasting my time and money. Probably a stupid thing to say because I could just take time to decide if it’s for me or not when I tour the school and have the chance to ask questions before fully committing. I guess I just want to make the right choice and find what fits who I am as a teacher and my teaching philosophy. It’s been so much fun doing my own research on different philosophies (Reggio, Waldorf, Forest School,) and seeing how they each view the child. I honestly think I’m a mix of all the philosophies, different parts of each. Another thing I was thinking of is what if I taught in a traditional classroom but incorporated aspects of different philosophies in my classroom? Would that work? My license will be PreK - 5 but I already 100% know I am love to be with littles and am meant to be a prek teacher. 3-5 year olds are wonderful.