My boyfriend (23M) and I (23F) have been together for 3 years. I knew he used to be addicted to porn as a teen, but he has watched it a few times since we have been together. He is now getting help, should I stay through his healing journey, or leave?
My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 and a half years and until recently I genuinely thought he was the person I was going to marry. We are long distance right now, but apart from this issue, our relationship has honestly been really beautiful. He is my best friend, we have similar values, similar goals, and I genuinely love him deeply.
The issue is porn.
Early in the relationship he watched porn after we had sex while I was literally next door, and it completely broke me. I made it a very clear boundary that porn was not okay for me and that if it happened again I would leave.
A year later I found out he had watched it 3 more times in a week. I almost broke up with him but decided to give him another chance because I genuinely believed he was more than this mistake and he promised he would fully stop and work on himself. he started therapy and everything was going great until now.
a couple days ago I found out it happened again (this is around 7 months from last time it happened). He said he clicked on it but stopped quickly before they started having sex because he felt uncomfortable, but the problem is that he still hid it from me and I had to find out myself by accident again.
At first I was just angry and devastated, but after finally having a long honest conversation with him, I realised this seems much deeper than I originally thought. He admitted this behaviour started very young, around 10 years old, and became a long term habit. He has now joined a porn addiction support group and says he now realises this is an actual addiction/compulsive behaviour issue and not just “bad choices.”
He was very vulnerable with me and told me things he had never told anyone before, including childhood memories and how shameful this all feels for him. I do believe he genuinely loves me and genuinely wants to change. but i do al know that it will probably be a long recovery process and not something magically fixed overnight.
The problem is… I am hurt too.
This whole thing has destroyed my trust and honestly damaged my self-esteem. Hearing about years of obsessing over women’s bodies and porn has made me feel insecure about my own body and scared I’ll never feel “good enough” compared to everything he has watched.
Part of me wants to stay and support him through recovery because I love him and care about him deeply. Another part of me wonders if staying will slowly destroy me emotionally because I am terrified of being hurt like this again.
so I’m not too sure what to do. Cause he is trying to get the help he needs with therapy and the support group, but he also would like to have me by his side.
I guess my question is:
Has anyone been through something similar from either side? Did staying actually work long term? Is it possible to rebuild trust after repeated porn-related lies if the person is genuinely trying to recover? Or is it healthier to leave and let them heal alone?
I would really appreciate honest opinions, especially from people who have actually experienced this themselves.
Tl;dr relationship advice with a porn addict