I'm shattered and just need to get it out somewhere..
So this is a long one, continue only if you plan to actually read it all please.
I've been with my SO for 14 years, married for 5. I was 16 when we met and had no idea who I was. Somewhere along the line I just merged into a version of myself that was tolerable to him. I never saw it while deep in it. I had no interests, no hobbies, kept the peace and did the good girlfriend and wife thing.
He has always wanted to immigrate and I never wanted to, but in 2022, we had a beautiful child. It changed my view on moving continents and we agreed to start the process. We sold everything packed up our life and he moved overseas for a year before our son and I could join. My son and I moved in with my parents and this was the first time ever being "alone" for me. I feel like I did so much work on myself in that time and realised what I've been missing in myself and what I feel like I deserve in a partner.
When the time came for me to move over, I did it with the intention of working on my marraige, hoping that this fresh start together would be what we needed. I communicated what I needed and asked to work on things. I was met with silence and avoidance. I spent months begging and crying but unfortunately I realised that it takes two to make a marraige work.
I started wondering if I just wanted too much, if my expectations were unrealistic. That led me to looking on reddit for an AP. After a few real horrible experiences, I came across a post which felt like this man was wanting exactly what I dreamed of. I messaged straight away.
We clicked instantly, shared photos and the attraction was there. Within a few days we video called and texted nonstop. For context, this started 8 months ago and we were on different continents. He was married too, but we both were trying to figure out how to end our marraiges before we even started talking.
Within two months we were at the point of texting all day, Monday to Friday, occasionally on weekends. We were video calling most days for atleast an hour at a time. We had told eachother that we loved them and it felt so fucking real. We started dreaming of our future together after divorce and I even started making plans to immigrate to where he is, as that is how sure it felt that we were about eachother. We shared all our real information, we pretty much integrated into most of eachothers day.
He met my mother on a video call and some friends on another, my friends knew about him, eventually my entire family knew about him too.
On his side, I was very much a secret, two people knew about me. That bothered me but I knew his situation was more sensitive. I had told my husband in November that I was done with the marriage, however being on a spousal visa - it was never going to be a fast process, we knew we had to cohabitate for quite some time still. AP was trying to bring up separation with his wife but fear got him everytime..
Until about 2 months ago, he addressed it and things started shifting there, slowly, but shifting. While they were slowly heading towards separating, his wife suddenly confronted him asking who he was talking to, she saw the texts and call logs, all the photos and "I love you"s. Even the kids, we shared photos and videos of our kids often. That sped up the separation but she still didn't want to let him go. Constant cycles of hating him and then begging to have him back. He even cut me off and said goodbye because he thought he needed to be alone, but within 24hrs we both knew that was not the right decision.
Anyways we got through that and things finally started feeling better than ever. I told my husband about his existence, I had just applied for a visitors visa, for which he wrote me an invitation letter, to go visit him in two months time. Planning that was getting so exciting. We were enjoying eachother more than ever...until.
Last week things felt alittle off. By Friday he didn't want to even have our usual call and said he doesn't know why but he just feels so disconnected from everything and everyone and wanted the weekend alone to just breathe. I was supportive and reassured him that I'm here through it all, that he should take the time. Well...I was not prepared for the text I received early hours of the next morning. He confessed to me that he had a run in with a woman on Monday, that he's know for years, they got to talking and as soon as she heard he was freshly separated, she took the opportunity to tell him she's had a crush on him for a long time. One thing lead to another and thay made out. That was the Monday, then they continued to text and met up again in the week and slept together.
Now this text absolutely shattered me because how? Why? What the actual fuck?
But he wouldn't talk about it, just shut down most of my questions and told me he's not stopping things with the new woman, and he's at breaking point and doesn't know what to do. He wouldn't get on a call and I was so confused and broken. He eventually agreed to a call on Monday night (the one that just passed). The call was two hours long, lots of crying, lots of silence, we could barely look at eachother. He was ending us. He was chosing to continue exploring things with this new woman and I'm the one that needs to go. Wtf.
Told me he still loves me and everything he ever said and felt was real but he needs to do this for himself. I still pleaded for him to let this woman go and we could move passed all of this.. he wasn't prepared to do that. In the end we agreed to finally add eachother on fb (my fear of abandonment couldn't handle a clean break) and that we'd check in from time to time. But things are over.
Its only two days later but I'm fucking shattered. I haven't been to work in two days. I can't eat since the bombshell text on Friday, even though I'm trying so hard to get something in - I've fainted a few times. My husband can see I'm grieving this and its so hard because he is comforting my grief over a man that I was choosing after him.
Im just so fucking lost right now. I dont know what's next. Who I am without him. Shit, I dont even know how to make it through the fucking day right now.
I guess I just needed to share this somewhere. If you comment, please be kind. I'm too fragile for the obvious "he cheated with you, then on you" or "this is some dumb shit". This is my real life.