Should I Tell my Husband?
I (F33) just found out I’m pregnant, and I’m certain I don’t want to continue the pregnancy. Not sure if I should tell my husband or just go through with a termination.
I just found out I’m pregnant (currently probably 5 week). It wasn’t planned, and I had actually taken Plan B, but unfortunately it didn’t work. I am certain that I do not want to continue with the pregnancy for a number of reasons, including my mental and physical health, finances, my career, and where my husband and I currently are in our relationship.
My husband (M39) has always wanted children. I have been on the fence, and he has always known that. More recently, I had actually started coming around to the idea and told him that, if certain things fell into place, I would be happy to start trying when I turned 35, which is less than a year and a half away.
We are currently in a good place overall, but we only started couples therapy a few months ago, and I don't feel like we have the strong foundation that I would want before bringing a child into our lives. I am also the breadwinner in our household. I'm waiting on a promotion at work in the next 6–7 months, I'm currently trying to figure out some hormonal issues with my body, and honestly, I don't want to give up my time, independence, and financial flexibility just yet.
I found out while I was on the phone with a friend, so I ended up telling her. I know she will support whatever decision I make because she knows our history.
The difficult part is that this has actually happened before. A few years ago, right before I turned 30, I also became pregnant after taking Plan B. At the time, my husband didn't even have a job, and I told him very clearly that we were not in a position to have a child. He was understandably disappointed and sad, but ultimately told me that the decision was mine. He went with me to the abortion clinic, although he waited outside because he couldn't bear to see it.
Obviously, we're in a much better position financially and otherwise now, but I still don't feel ready. And I don't want to make this decision based solely on the fact that we're in a better place than we were five years ago when I know, deep down, that I am not ready to have a child now.
I also know this will be much harder for my husband this time because he has always wanted children and I had recently started talking about potentially trying in the near future. I feel guilty knowing how much this will hurt him, but I also don't feel like I can continue a pregnancy simply because he wants a child when I am certain that I don't want one right now.
I know I want the abortion. My question is whether I should tell my husband beforehand, knowing how badly he may want to continue the pregnancy, or have the abortion and move forward. I don't want to lie to him, but I'm also afraid that telling him will turn a decision I've already made into a fight or make him feel like he should have a say. I genuinely believe that if things keep moving like they have, that I will be ready at 35.