Just euthanized my baby and I feel like I killed him
My sweet boy came to us 11.5 years ago. He’s an English Mastiff and everyone keeps telling us how lucky we are that he had such a long life. That doesn’t make it feel better.
His hind legs started giving out a few months ago. Neuropathy. I took him to the vet and after already being on carprofen, all they could prescribe was gabapentin. By the beginning of last week, the next level dosage would’ve just had him sleeping non-stop. I know we made the right choice.
He needed assistance getting up 80% of the time. My husband or my son or I would swoop in and hoist him. Once he was up, depending on the day, he’d still fall down/wobble/trip himself. We put rugs in the kitchen so he wouldn’t slide out. It was no way for him to live.
Till the last moment, he wanted to play. When it was food time, he would find a way up 9/10 times. He would still whine to get up on the bed with me (even though he hasn’t been able to for 6+months) and wouldn’t get comfy until I relaxed with him on his bed for a bit. His mind was all there, till the very end.
Yesterday we pulled out all the stops. We made a menu and fed him everything you’re not supposed to feed a dog. We carefully took him to the beach and somehow his legs carried him the whole time! The whole family took off work and school and made sure we were with him for 24hrs straight. Friends came over to say their goodbyes and played with him and gave their love. We made sure he knew, up till his dying breath, that we love him and that will never stop.
And yet. This morning he didn’t have trouble getting up. And he just wanted to play. And was anxious that we were fawning all over him. When the vet came (she was amazing), he ended up fighting the sleep medication because he just wanted to slurp the new, fun, sweet person. He died with the ball next to him. He died with his ear draped over my thigh. He died feeling the best he’s felt in a while. And even though I know it was all done correctly, I can’t help but feel like I killed my best friend. My soul animal. He had to be touching me and when I got up, he didn’t look up at me to see where I went. I feel like I killed him even though I know I didn’t.
I‘m asking for help with this feeling. I have all the facts that we did the right thing. The vet thanked us for not waiting until he was agonizing. My kids trusted our decisions the entire time. I consciously know it was right. But it feels so wrong. Can anyone understand? Can anyone suggest how to stop feeling like I not only lost my best friend but that I killed him?
I love you Dog Travis. You’re the best good boy.