Confirmation that my parents cannot understand
I have written in CPTSD communities in the past about my experience with family dynamics and the neglect, abandonment and abusive that was caused by the adults in my life.
I, 32f, have always known something was off about me and how my family is. We cant discuss things that have happened in the past. There is no accountability, no apologies or acknowledgement for the hurt and pain that was put on me at such a young age. When it has been brought up, it is met with you need to stop living in the past, you are always doing this, you cant just get over it, and my favorite, you are so dramatic.
This past weekend I had breakfast with my dad for his birthday. All was well until something was said about a huge falling out that happened between his wife and i. She accused me of emotionally abusing my youngest niece- which didnt happen- and said that she felt like i hurt my niece to get back at her for my parents divorce- that happened 21 years ago. And that caused a complete separation because she called me a liar, said I was making things up and refused to even acknowledge she hurt me.
So my dad said that he hopes I can find peace with all of this and come back to the family, he wants me around and involved. And i just looked at him like he was smoked. Nothing has changed, no effort has been made towards having a more functioning relationship. I have been in therapy consistently for over 6 years, and have been doing ketamine therapy which has really helped me. Inner child work and really pin pointing the pivotal moments. He doesn't know anything about it because he cant be trusted with any information about me. We chatted about this and i got pretty upset. He lectured me on what I needed to work on, how I could fix this and what I needed to get over and find peace. But nothing about what either of them were doing. About how they were gonna fix anything. Last year I told my dad- no one protected me as a kid. He said with no hesitation, well you have your husband now. I reminded him of this and he said I didnt say that. Par for the course. I affirmed it and he said I cant believe I said that and I was so insensitive, im sorry for that. For my dad, apologies come easy. It is the change that never comes. After talking about this for an hour, he looked at me in the eye amd said I do not get your side. I cannot understand. I said if me telling you the issues outright isn't enough, I cant do anymore. Its your turn.
The words I left him with were, I am tired of the people who are supposed to love me being the ones that hurt me, think so low of me and just throw me away when things get hard. Think about it, what do I have to gain from lying? Ive lost everything because of this bs. And he genuinley looked like he didnt care. I am just beyond it at this point.