Would you marry someone like this, or am I ignoring something important?
I’m 28F, boyfriend is 38M. We’ve been together about a year and are seriously discussing marriage.
In many ways he’s everything I wanted. He’s loyal, patient, successful, we have fun together, and he makes a huge effort to see me. We live in different cities and he travels to me significantly more than I travel to him. I’ve met his family, he wants me around constantly, and he talks seriously about marriage/kids.
My concern is that his affection and emotional attentiveness come in waves.
In the beginning he was extremely loving. Now he sometimes becomes so consumed with his own problems/needs that I feel almost invisible. We can spend an entire day together and he barely initiates a kiss, hug, hand-holding, etc. Eventually I get very hurt, we have a serious conversation, and he becomes incredibly loving again. Then eventually it happens again.
There’s also been a similar contradiction with money. He talks about taking care of me financially once we’re married and has spent significant money on gifts/dates, but when I went through a serious financial crisis, he knew I was struggling and didn’t consistently help with the things I actually needed. Recently, after we talked about it directly, he’s said he wants to change that.
He had very little serious relationship experience before me, and sometimes I wonder whether he loves me deeply, or whether he really wants a wife and likes having me beside him/the image of us.
The confusing part is that there is also plenty of evidence that he genuinely cares and invests heavily in the relationship.
Would you marry someone like this? Does this sound like someone who needs to learn how to be a more considerate partner, or a pattern that could become miserable after marriage? What would you need to see before getting engaged?