r/RelationshipsOver35

I (43f) love my partner of 4 years (44m) but life’s pressures are starting to fracture our relationship.

We moved in January and he’s been unable to find steady work which has been a major blow to his self-esteem. Meanwhile, I am thriving professionally and financially in our new city. Resentments is growing between us - I can feel it and nothing I try to stop it has worked. We are 100% financially independent (household costs are split 50/50) and he will not accept a penny from me, either in terms of increasing my household contributions until he is working steadily or treating us to a weekend trip to get away and (hopefully) decompress. It’s a point of pride for him I guess, but I really want to help with no strings attached.

He has grown increasingly moody, rigid and critical. Some days I feel like I get on his nerves simply by existing in the same space. I have given him a lot of grace, but I’m nearing my limit. He is so miserable and it’s affecting me. I feel stifled by his unhappiness.

Until the last 6 months, our relationship was great. He was kind, supportive and loving. We could communicate about anything. Now it’s falling apart before my eyes.

Reddit - what do I do? What would you do? How long do I keep waiting/making efforts to see if things shift? At what point do I accept the situation for what it is and just call it? We are both in therapy for our own stuff but our dynamic feels stuck.

I love him with all my heart but I can’t take the ups and downs for much longer.

My partner has moved in over a year now and the relationship has shifted to the point where most responsibilities have fallen on me.

Before she moved, we sat down and talked about how we handle bills, chores and other responsibilities. Basically, we agree on 50/50 on everything but bills because she earns less than me, which we both felt was fair.

2 months in, she lost her job because funding wasn't available and she knew this might happen before moving in but thought she would take a gamble because it would work out for her, I didn't know anything about this. Lucky she had a new job a month later but she couldn't afford to help with bills, which didn't make sense because she had a few more hours.

Then, not so long after this, she was too tired to help around the house with chores, so all that fell on me and this lasted for months.

When I talked to her about all this stuff and asked if she could help in anyway, she basically said that it can't be help because she is struggling and with the money situation she said "we both knew it was going to end up this way, just got blindside by it a little bit" it felt devastating to hear this.

The last 6 months, she has been pointing out my faults as a partner and that I'm not emotionally supporting her enough as a partner and not spending enough time with her but it's hard to find a balance because her friends are around a lot and I need time to myself just to decompress and tune out the world and I might get a day a week to do that.

Also recently I found out that she has a debt that is taking a big chunk of her wages and she is getting her hours drop, so her financies will be in a bad place and she has no plan to get another job.

So I honestly was should I do as a partner.

Kind of long but I'm trying my best to provide all relevant details without letting my ADHD ramble on lol

I'm (37f) looking for help putting into words what I'm feeling.

Here's some context: My bf (37m) of 9.5 months is my soft dom and I'm his sweet sub. I really enjoy this dynamic because it's an escape from the demands and responsibilities of my life as a single mom who works full time and grew up being one of the oldest siblings of 8 (iykyk). He is aware of my boundaries and that I'm mainly only submissive in the bedroom but I'm open to being submissive in normal day to day on a case by case depending on what it is he wants, how he tells me and where we are / who is around us. I thought he understood this because I've had to tell him once before and he seemed to take heed to my boundaries immediately. But the issue has come up again, and I am starting to feel slighted.

Recently, I had lost my job and though I did find another, it wasn't in time to avoid eviction (it's like that for a lot of people in my area rn). He reluctantly offered to let me stay with him for a couple months or so until I save for an apartment.

Situation: We were discussing the plans for putting my stuff in storage and his place. I was stressed on having to do everything after a full day of work and trying to finish with enough time to turn the rental truck in and leaving the storage facility before closing time to avoid extra fees. He was being optimistic and I normally can be a procrastinating optimist when it comes to time. That normally causes me to always be late. I knew that wasn't an option with the moving because the writ of possession was scheduled for the next day while I'm working and my apartment complex is known for being over-the-top disrespectful when removing the leasee's property.

All this to say, I was stressed but focused and deligating tasks with him and my BFF (while keeping gratitude in mind). I was also complaining in general because my abdominal hernia got way worse when I tried moving some stuff on my own over the weekend. My bf seemed to be kind of an adversary all day and insisting I be more positive. He eventually tells me he is going to get it done in time and to trust him. I explain that it's not about trusting him, it's about the little amount of time we have on top of the time it takes to move the amount of stuff my kids and I have. He re-asserts his previous trust statement and adds "just do what I tell you". It was hot but I recognized it as a possible confusion to my boundaries if I were to not mention the yellow flag of that. So, I reminded him of said boundaries.

After we finished moving everything, he says he needs to talk to me. We sit and he explains he thinks I misunderstood him. He explains what he really meant was that he will take the lead on coordinating since I can't do much due to my hernia. I let him know that even if that were the case, him telling me to do what he says was a great opportunity for me to reestablish boundaries especially since we'll be temporarily cohabitating, that in my past relationships it seems easy for men to forget my boundaries if I don't speak up to remind them and if I misunderstood his clear and plain text, we should work on communicating more accurately to our intentions. He didn't really respond to that, but then starts to vent about his mom declining to pick him up from the airport when he's expecting to visit his family states away later this month and how he has no one to help him, how he helps everyone but no one does anything for him. I felt pretty offended but I didn't wanna make his valid vent about me. He does help a lot and I don't but only because he is way better off than I am after he's been in the air force for 20 years almost.

We were tired and decided to stop there and go to bed. As I was laying there, I wondered if he was possibly weaponizing his feelings of having no one to help as a way to deter from the original topic after I had doubled down.

I wanna bring this up to him but I wanna avoid making him feel super called out or attacked because I wanna get to the other side of this closer. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Please advise. I (f45) have terminal cancer. There is no hope that there might be some kind of cure. We are likely talking about less than a year. Probably less than 6 months.

I have been in a relationship for about 15 years with a very nice man (44 years old). It has certainly not always been smooth sailing, but he is the love of my life. We are not married, do not share children and do not live together, if it matters

He knows about my illness, and says he wants to stay with me, but at his age I feel like he’s wasting time. He can find someone else to start a life with- frankly he will have to now or later anyway. I feel like true love is selfless, and keeping him with me is cruel. But I feel like pushing him away is cruel too

My question- what would you do? I’m feeling so guilty. My family and friends care about me too much be truthful, so I’m hoping strangers can be honest.

Thank you all.

I've been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years. He's a doctor, earns good money, no debt. I'm a student training to be a social worker, so I'll always earn less than him.

Gift thing:

He spent £15 on my last birthday. That's pretty typical. Meanwhile, he buys his mum gold jewellery and spends loads on his siblings no list needed, he just does it. He's gotten better at making my gifts more personal, which is nice, but the money he spends on me is still tiny compared to what he spends on them or himself (cars, VR, etc.). He said I can write a list too, but I feel awkward doing that when his family doesn't have to.

50/50 thing:

We've talked about moving in together. He prefers 50/50. I suggested proportional (same percentage of our salaries) he might reconsider later but for now he likes equal split. So far we've done 50/50 – holidays, Splitwise, everything equal. I told him I'd appreciate more generosity sometimes, and he did take me out for a nice dinner after that, so he does listen a bit.

He wants kids one day. I'm not fussed either way, but if we do, my career and income will take a hit while his won't. That scares me.

Am I being materialistic? It's not the £15 itself, it's the pattern. family gets loads, I get scraps. And 50/50 feels unfair when he earns so much more. But I also worry I'm just being ungrateful and he'll think I'm a gold-digger.

Anyone been through this? Am I overthinking?

My boyfriend and I been living together for 9 years. I have always made more money than him. Occasionally he would bring it up that it bothers him because he feels less of man most of the time. Now that we are in our 40s I feel like its bothering him more. I took on another job that is paying more than the last one. For him his job hours got cut so he barely makes any. His car broke, he got child support coming for him, then he got sick. He is really frustrated and keep saying he doesn’t know what to do. I have made some suggestions without offering help, and he didn’t want any because he doesn’t wanna look like a “bitch” (in his words) I feel like he has so much pride that he has gotten to the point in time where he can’t stand himself for being where he is at and he doesn’t know what to do. I feel like he is trying to compete with me and I’m not even trying.

I kinda offer him that I can pay for some things as usual and he sad no, keep my money he will figure out.

I want us to go on a date, I want to take him on a date. Again we have lived together for 9 years.. we go on dates and whoever has money pays. I am torn whether to just fund his emergencies or let him figure that out and me and him go on a date.

For men out there, if you are him- would you rather have me just give you the money without asking or respect your decision you will figure out on your own and just let me take you on a date night.

Thanks in advance.

There was a guy I used to see a few years ago, but things ended because we had a fight.

However, after a few years, we started dating again. Everything was perfect; he was really enthusiastic, wanted to introduce me to his daughter, and said he loved being with me and wanted to see me constantly—this went on for three weeks. Then he started messing around with our plans; there were times he’d cancel a scheduled date at the last minute. I told him I didn't need that—that I wanted to be with someone who respected my time.

He came up with all sorts of excuses, saying work made it hard for him to find time, but insisting he definitely wanted to see me on weekends... But I told him I wasn't happy with the situation and wished him all the best. He said he wasn't on dating sites anymore, that he was going through a rough patch, and that this was the most he could offer...

That was a few days ago, and I haven't heard from him since. I assume there’s another woman in the picture... what do you think?

Hey everyone, looking for some outside perspective here. I'm (35F) and my partner is (32M). We've been together about 2.5 years.

Some background:

He recently met my parents for the first time (they live abroad). It took a LOT of convincing to get him to agree, but it actually went well despite the language barrier. I translated and used AI to help.

Then my friend's wedding came up (next June), and again, it was a struggle to get him to say yes. He eventually agreed and even said he's looking forward to it, so that felt like progress.

The current issue:

My parents invited us to join them on a trip to Greece, (including my kids) next year. My partner flat-out said no. His reason: he's introverted and doesn't want me to spend the whole time translating instead of enjoying time with my family. I told him I don't mind translating at all, but he's still not budging.

I offered to cancel the wedding trip and go to Greece instead if the wedding would be too overwhelming for him, but he said I'm changing agreed plans and he still doesn't want to do Greece.

Where I'm at:

Every time I try to include him in something with my family or friends, it feels like pulling teeth. He says he's totally fine traveling with just me, but I'm starting to feel like he doesn't actually want to merge our lives, just keep things in our "bubble."

Also worth noting: his parents don't even know about me, which I think is due to cultural/religious reasons (he's Muslim, I'm not religious). 

So, am I expecting too much here? Or is this a sign of a deeper mismatch in how we see our future?

Would really appreciate any honest thoughts. Thanks

Okay quite a complex one which I will try and keep brief but clear.

39 M with two kids (12 and 8) from a previous relationship - all amicable and have the kids completely 50/50.

I have a new partner and wife (also 39). Feel truly blessed and lucky. From the outset I expressed that I didn’t want to have any more children. Wife said she didn’t want any of her own and has been a great step mum.

Recently, and I don’t know if it’s with us being almost 40 we’ve had a few tough conversations. Wife has said although she’d never wanted kids previously she would have been open to having a child with me. She feels ,” I have taken that away from her”. An intimate example but recently we were getting down with it but didn’t have a condom so it was more oral based. Wife said she took that as a rejection whereas I tried to frame it as a precaution. In conversation this week wife said that she feels as though I act as though having a child with her would be “the worst thing in the world”. I said that isn’t the case at all but I felt I was clear from the outset and also said I feel that for any child two parties should both be on the same page and there needs to be some element of planning ( eg financial, childcare etc which would really stretch us)

I now have immense guilt that , in her words, I’ve taken this away from her. How do we proceed and move forward with this situation?

I'm 16 years together, 14 years married to my husband (whom not Chinese) and the Chinese me trying to understand him, or at least his mindset.

For the last 7 years, I think he is high-functioning depression, is there such thing as functionally depressed? The whole timeline of everything that happen I have reasons to believe he is functionally depressed.

His older sister died from car accident, leave him as the only son take on the financial care for his aging parents.

Fast forward, in 2019, his father died of end stage pancreatic cancer.

----- The same year in 2019, our toddler died (the child of me and my husband). Our toddler died of Periventricular Heterotopia (PVNH). It is gene inherited (got it from me the mother the maternal side), congenital brain malformation.

It been 7 years since our toddler gone and my husband just can't let go. Our toddler ashes my husband keeps with him. Even our toddler DIRTY SHOES and dirty clothes my husband still held on to.

----- In 2020, I was very sick (autoimmune disease) I was bedridden for a month with oxygen tank in my nose 24/7. He took off work and care for me day and night. He even sleep with a pillow and a blanket on the carpet right by my bedside (we had a hospital bed in our bedroom after I got discharged).

I don't know if it because our toddler died in August 2019, and shorter after in 2020 I was so so sick that even after discharged from the hospital, it took me another month to recover. I guess too much grief build up together for him, And that the first time I see him cut himself.

This was when he started to cut his stomach with a kitchen knife, he said stomach skin is thinner and has more nerves so it hurts more, so he chose to slice his stomach, he cuts deep the point bleeding that he has bandage wrap around his waist bleed.
And that was how I first time found out about he cut himself too was I saw the bloody bandage wrap around his waist when he took his shirt off.

He still has all the scars on his stomach from he slice his stomach with the kitchen knife. He said if I die before him, he will die with me, and our toddler (whom already dead).

He even prepaid for his funeral arrangement, I said I want cremation (as I'm Buddhist), he wants cremation with me, he told the funeral director when he die, cremate him, and mix his ashes with me and our toddler together, and scatter our ashes.

He said if I die before him, ONE second of grief is enough for him to pull the trigger blow his brain out with the tactical 12 gauge shotgun. I take him seriously because if he can slice his stomach to blood, he can use a shotgun in one second of grief like he said.

--- In 2021, his mom has a spinal cord stroke that leave her quadriplegia paralyze, she also kidney disease/kidney failure. She also has alot of heart problems: heart aortic stenosis, heart aortic aneurysm, and cardiac arrhythmias. 

His mom 5 days out of a week is she in and out of the hospital for treatments to keep her alive. And my husband for the last 5 years (and still ongoing) has been financially care for his mom, doing everything he can financially to prolong her life.

------------

All this are reasons I believe he has depression, but he seems to function fine outside, as in lives a normal life.

He is an Executive Vice President of Engineering at a big Engineering corporate. He said this job salary gives him cushion in money to continue prolong his mother life. He knows this job salary is what prolong his mother life, even with him depress, his career has to go on. His mother depends on his money to continue treatments, he also pays for her Private Nursing Home too.

Everyday after work he drive straight to the Nursing Home to visit his mom before came home. On weekends when his mom demands mother and son time, he will take his mom to our marital home so he can care for her, so they have mother and son time.

He still does his hobbies, hunting deer, outdoor shooting range with his tactical shotguns and riffles, running long distance.

I have told him to go to grief counseling, he put it off, he said after his mom die, as right now he busy. He is busy, his schedules is pack, between his Executive work, his mom, and me. He has no time left.

I do not know how to get him into grief therapy neither. He keeps said after his mom pass. But wait till after his mom pass, that will add in another death and grief and loss in his list of losses. I want him to go now, but he not want to.

But I can't shake this off that he has depression, but he is a high-functioning depression. Can a man be high-functioning depression, is there such thing as functionally depressed?

Without going too deep into the context, I am 40F and my partner is 41M. We’ve been together for 7 years, just started year 8 in July. I flew out at 4 am to visit my sister and her brand new baby (only 2 weeks old!). I called and talked to my boyfriend on every lay over and flight delay. I didn’t get to her until 2:00 pm. So very long flight day. It was an hour drive to her house. During that hour we talked and caught up a bit. I texted my boyfriend to update him once we were in the house. She has 2 girls, so when we got to the house my sister and the baby started to nap. I played with the 2.5 year old for about an hour. The whole time I took pictures and shared with him what we were doing. Then it was time for her to nap. It’s about 4:30pm at this point. Then I took a nap. Got up at 6ish and talked to my sister about her birthing story, which was very traumatic! Tears were shed! We talked until about 8 when her husband came home. Between 6 and 8 I was texting my boyfriend to check on him to see how his day was going. He responded with curt answers. I helped with cooking dinner and we ate around 8:45. I played a little bit my 2.5 year old niece. I called my boyfriend at 9:45, FaceTimed him so he could say hello to the family as well.

He was distant and upset and didn’t want to talk to me or anyone because he felt neglected. He didn’t have a phone call from me since 2pm. He felt like he was in the dark for 8 hours. Texting does not count as communication for people who truly love each other, direct quote from him.

I’m trying to see where I went wrong. I was in communication with him all day. I have not seen my sister in person in over 8 months nor my nieces. I was in constant communication but now he is harking on the type of communication and calling should be the first line of communication not texting. Help me to understand!

Fear of unknown or chaotic relationship??

I 32M in relationship with 30F for 3.5 years in which 1.5 years we are living together.

This was chatiotc relationship for both us , in this relationship we had fight in first week for relationship and major breakup- patchup event on the 5th month of relationship.

After that, we breakup-Patch up 4 times our relationship, last one happened this year Feb month.

We fight eachother regularly on day to day basis , once a week we go full on world war with crying/regretting our decision.

But we are neither breakup nor able to live together peacefully.

For me , it's emotional attachment and fear or unknown that's making me still clingy to this relationship.

Two weeks back, we had a similar fight-arugements , where she threw the her phone away on the date (not happen first time) and i knew that would happen , so i should have kept quiet. So I did from that day onwards, i keeping quiet taking everything to my not arguing, just giving her what's she wants to hear. Any arguments, I just concur to hers and we stopped having fights for now.

I don't know how long this will countinue but I do get after thoughts about marriage.

We can be together like this for another 40 years , would that be called successful marriage??

Why do you think I still want to marry , it's fear of unknown , we don't have anything needed in relationship apart from trust. No comunication, not sex for days or months, not compatible lifestyle, different social status, different upbringing , not similar future outlook.

This is probably a stupid question but it's helps to get some impartial feedback sometimes. My partner, 39M and me 41F are together 10 months and moved in together after 5 months. Over the past few weeks he's starting to be quite distant, lost his job around the time I got a new one and has been very unmotivated to do anything.

Last Wednesday we had an argument and he left the house, he told me he'd be back the next day but I haven't been able to contact him since. His mother told me he is back in his family home and today he finally made contact to ask can he collect his stuff tomorrow. He won't make any comments on why he isn't coming home and some people have mentioned to me that he has an addiction he's been covering.

Just wondering if you all think this is worth fighting for. I've been in 3 serious relationships and thought this was the last one, seriously thought we'd marry. I love him but his lack of contact is confusing. I think I know walking away is best but I'd really love to be back with him now, watching a movie and laughing together.

Sorry, English is my 3rd language. I'm Chinese, married to a man who not Chinese. He didn't' see the cultural difference was the problem as he said he devoted his life to make me happy.

We together 16 years, married 14 years. I feel that I'm not good enough for him, and especially after the death of our toddler further confirmed how I feel, in addition to that cannot even give him a healthy child.

Our child died in 2019 when he was just 1.5 years old, he had Periventricular Heterotopia, it a rare condition so most people never heard of it before, it called Periventricular Nodular Heterotopia (PVNH). It is gene inherited (got it from me the mother the maternal side), congenital brain malformation.

It been 7 years since our toddler gone and my husband just can't let go. Our toddler ashes is with my husband, he leaves our child room as is never change a thing, even our toddler DIRTY SHOES and dirty clothes my husband still held on to.

Because he is the only son, his mom told us to try surrogate, my husband snap back to his mother, he said unless that woman is me (his wife) that carry his child, he rather not have any. Told his mom to drop the subject, or else she no longer has him as a son.

A dead child can break a marriage, statistics say so too. But it only bond him to me more. He stays married to me despite knowing he will have no offspring. It just feel that he wasted 16 years of his life with me.

This is a very educated man with 2 Universities degrees, including an University Master degree at Stanford. With 20 years of experience in his job field. At work hold the Executive position, Executive Vice President of Engineering, with a salary of $500,000 a year (not counting bonus). He can go find another woman easy.
BUT
He tied himself to the Infertility wife me and to a dead child, than go find his happiness with a better wife and a healthy child to carry on his genes.

He said I'm more than worth his love, I'm his everything. He said he never think of continue living without me, he said if I die before him, he will die with me and our toddler (whom already dead).

--------------

Perhaps it my depression voice talking, after our toddler death, there was a phase where I think if I leave him (as in divorce) hoping he will forget me, and go find another woman who can give him a healthy child. But before I can do any of that.

In 2020, I had a near death experience where I was bedridden for a month with oxygen tank in my nose 24/7. He took off work and care for me day and night. The bedridden me defecate on myself and my husband clean my defecation and care for me the whole month. He also sleep with a pillow and a blanket on the carpet right by my bedside (we had a hospital bed in our bedroom after I got discharged).

Right there I see how deeply hurt he would be if I leave him, I no longer can find myself to leave him anymore, despite I always think I'm not good enough for him, and further not good enough for him because it my genes that our toddler died.

I don't know if it because our toddler died in August 2019, and shorter after in 2020 I was so so sick that even after discharged from the hospital, it took me another month to recover. Many times he hugged me, and said he very afraid (as in he very afraid that I will die). I guess too much grief build up together for him, And that the first time I see him cut himself.

This was when he started to cut his stomach with a kitchen knife, he said stomach skin is thinner and has more nerves so it hurts more, so he chose to cut his stomach, he cuts deep the point bleeding that he has bandage wrap around his waist bleed.
And that was how I first time found out about he cut himself too was I saw the bloody bandage wrap around his waist when he took his shirt off.

He still has all the long scars on his stomach from he cut his stomach with the kitchen knife. He said if I die before him, he will die with me, and our toddler (whom you know already dead).

This man when I married him he has no scars on his body, after married to me now his stomach is full of scars, I blame myself that it me the maternal genetics cause the death of our toddler. I blame it on myself for being sick, hence he on the verge of lose me too, so he stared cutting himself.

I recovered a month later, thank you to him care for me day and night. He no longer cut himself anymore since I recovered. And I, also since never think of leave him anymore. Because with how intense he is, I think he will go insane when lose me.

Now I just want to live happy with him, we have come to term to accept our child death, we will carry this pain till the day we die.
He been through alot, alot. His father also died that same year as our toddler died, both died in 2019, his dad died of end stage pancreas cancer, I NEVER see my husband in so much pain.

Still trying to get him into grief therapy, but he busy with his career, and his mom right now is very sick (terminal illness), he said he go after his mom pass.

It just been so hard for me and him, alot of things happened , death of his older sister, death of his father, death of our toddler, his mom spinal cord stroke and terminal illness, death of both my parents. It just so HARD. But then when you with your husband 16 years long, expect those things to happen, it just we never prepare for it.

tl;dr Me and my husband 16 years together been though alot alot together, I know it loves me so so much, it just I do not know how to stop the depression voice and my feelings that I am not good enough for him, and he deserve someone much much better than me.

To really know he's the one.

I'm 45M UK, I was with someone 2009-2019, had twins and got married. Was a good relationship overall lasting that long, she was serious about finding someone, the chemistry was strong but not 100% which helped us get on I think as I found previous more intense relationships became rollercoasters.

Her dad died in 2018 and it was like she became a different person, full of anger and wanting to control anything, it ended in a messy divorce where she became very greedy and a nightmare to coparent with.

My next relationship lasted two years, she was younger, lovely, we got on better than my ex wife, but she had very extreme views about men (some day I would definitely hit her because I'm a man apparently) which really pushed me away, also the co-parenting struggles put me off having more kids which she wanted.

Next relationship was 3.5 years, last two years spent navigating PMDD which was utter chaos and has left me scarred and more nervous.

Then 5 months of someone with quiet BPD, obviously didn't know til the end, another scarring experience.

New relationship - first six months have been incredible, so happy, she told me she had high functioning Asperger's early on, never seemed an issue. Her parents are awful and still treat her like a child and expect her to do as they say which interfered with our plans and caused some issues. In hindsight I think I reacted a bit strongly to this, bullying is a trigger for me. It's now got in a bit of a mess and with her Asperger's she's struggling. I think we have a way forward, but I have noticed two things. One, only women with some sort of underlying intense mental health condition seem to really excite me, more typical women bore me. Two, I seem demanding in relationships and it becomes a problem at times, I want all the romance, the bedroom stuff, all the dreams, and I'm sensitive if this doesn't work out. Am I unusual? How do I become easier to be with?

Tl;Dr how do I find more happiness in a relationship and stop being so demanding?

As the title says, I met Lucy (fake name) 10 years ago in college, we hung out together because we had mutual friends. I was always so attracted to her but she had a boyfriend Joe (fake name) who was part of our friend group, they both moved together out of the country. Fast forward to now she is no longer with Joe, he cheated on her and she moved back to our home town. Me and Joe had a falling out before they moved.

I recently confessed to her that Ive always had a crush on her, and she said she is open to giving me a chance. The chemistry we have is insane, she's drop dead gorgeous, funny, smart, career minded and honestly one of the kindest people I have ever met. She is pretty much my dream girl, only I always wanted to be a father and she is too old to have kids nor does she want any.

Do I sacrifice literally the most perfect woman because she cant have kids? Im so torn. Ive been single for a long time, I know how rough it is out there and I know how incredible she is, when she was with Joe she was always very loyal to him, she was affectionate and so kind. She literally feeds homeless people every Christmas she's that kind of person. I dont want to miss out on her and have regrets later, what would you do?

Buckle up, this one is long.

I’ve been dating someone I have known, or thought I knew, for years… I 37(f) currently have a bf, 40(m). We met when my kid was 4, now 10, and I lived in another state. I left that state to pursue my career. 6 years after we met, 3 years after I moved, he moved out here to be with me.

There have been so many lies that have snowballed and I’m just not sure how to keep up. The biggest of these has been something that I won’t ignore….

He told me that 1) he couldn’t have kids 2) doesn’t have any. So, when he came here in November of 2025, we had an issue getting his license. Turned out his other state license was suspended. Why? Unpaid child support. I tracked it back to a third, previously lived in state where there was child support that was unpaid. Sorted it and got his license done. He said they made a mistake due to a case he was involved in where the mother wasn’t sure who the father was… He fixed it. Fine. Good…. Still, my nervous system knew something was wrong.

Fast forward to a month ago, his checks were so damn short and I’m struggling to pay bills. He’s our secondary source of income and I manage funds. I finally told him to pull up his check stubs and he said, “It’s probably just taxes. I looked and didn’t see anything special.”

I look and in bold letters, CHILD SUPPORT: $229 (per week)

Then, I just put his phone down and told him to figure it out. He said he would. Next day he said he called the child support office he’d previously contacted for clearing up the license issue. So, I reminded him a month straight with no answers.

All the times he said he called and couldn’t reach the representative I wrote in my Notes app and dated it. Then, today I finally had enough of waiting on him to provide me with answers and went looking for the court records…. I found them.

Court documents and notes were collected and ran through ChatGPT for clarification. They said paternity was established in 2012. (Remember he said it was not true, nor could he even have kids)

It’s been over 14 years since paternity was established and this man has a whole child who he denies exists. Then there’s saying he can’t have kids due to a surgical error in a laparoscopic hernia surgery that took place in 2007 or so. This man took my choice away. Taking out of my hands the full scope of consequences if I was actually with him physically.

Then, to top it all off, I checked the phone records, because the phone is on my contract plan, and he only ever called her ONE time in the last month. Lied about calling because what is the point, right????! He knows the truth and is blatantly lying.

So, I got to questioning everything…. He told me he was in the military from 18-20 years old, which would’ve been around 2004-2006. I asked what unit he was in just a few minutes ago and he asked what I meant, then gave me a battalion I researched and found to be one from WW2. I asked what his job was and he said 22 Bravo Combat Engineer Ft Benning. I’m just floored at how dumb he thinks I am…. The lies keep piling up.

I know what I’m going to do, but what would you do? I’m so angry… anyone have insight? Why? What is the purpose? Maybe he is trying to use me? Saying whatever it takes to have access to me? I have a good career and a nice enough place; even working full time with a daughter in sports, I’ve done everything I could to invest in this relationship. Sometimes that was hard, limited, due to just feeling like something was not adding up…

I’m 28F, boyfriend is 38M. We’ve been together about a year and are seriously discussing marriage.
In many ways he’s everything I wanted. He’s loyal, patient, successful, we have fun together, and he makes a huge effort to see me. We live in different cities and he travels to me significantly more than I travel to him. I’ve met his family, he wants me around constantly, and he talks seriously about marriage/kids.
My concern is that his affection and emotional attentiveness come in waves.
In the beginning he was extremely loving. Now he sometimes becomes so consumed with his own problems/needs that I feel almost invisible. We can spend an entire day together and he barely initiates a kiss, hug, hand-holding, etc. Eventually I get very hurt, we have a serious conversation, and he becomes incredibly loving again. Then eventually it happens again.
There’s also been a similar contradiction with money. He talks about taking care of me financially once we’re married and has spent significant money on gifts/dates, but when I went through a serious financial crisis, he knew I was struggling and didn’t consistently help with the things I actually needed. Recently, after we talked about it directly, he’s said he wants to change that.
He had very little serious relationship experience before me, and sometimes I wonder whether he loves me deeply, or whether he really wants a wife and likes having me beside him/the image of us.
The confusing part is that there is also plenty of evidence that he genuinely cares and invests heavily in the relationship.
Would you marry someone like this? Does this sound like someone who needs to learn how to be a more considerate partner, or a pattern that could become miserable after marriage? What would you need to see before getting engaged?

I posted before on here about this, don’t want to repeat myself too much but I decided to break off my engagement to a great man. Yes we’ve had some downs, but all relationships do, and I won’t say I’m completely innocent in that, I am much more forward, cutthroat, and expressive during arguments, while he remains reserved, patient, even kind when I say mean things.

I’m F22 , he’s M31 , been together two years, nothing is exactly wrong with us but there just seems to be a deeper connection that I crave. He’s not the interested/curious type to ask questions.

I guess I’m just having second thoughts, is it ridiculous to break up over this? We laugh together, have similar interests, I love his friends and family, he’s stable, supportive, he doesn’t fight, he is a little more reserved and not as emotional as me though. He’s lacks passion and curiosity in the relationship.

He’s an introvert, I’m an extrovert. I guess what I’m asking is does your partner ask you questions, and I mean more deeper conversations. Like obviously we can talk about random things but I’m more so curious if your long term partner asks about your deeper opinions, thoughts, expressions about life.

Is that something that isn’t necessary for a long term commitment? Would you able to do without it? What are your thoughts