r/RelationshipsOver35

Throwaway and trying not to be too detailed so no one I know reads this and figures out it is me.

I (F 40s) have been with my partner (M 40s) for around 6 years. We both have kids but none together, we do not live together but spend the majority of our time together. We get along with each other's kids and aside from what I'm putting in this post, our relationship is great and we love each other very much.

A little background: my partner and his father are business partners, but dad makes all the calls. I met my partner thru my ex, my ex had a major falling out with my partner and his father and my partner's father associates me with my ex and therefore openly dislikes me.

Anyway, the title is basically it. Due to his father running his life and his dislike for me, I get left out of basically everything. I have been excluded from a wedding (like dad told my partner I specifically could not attend, but they invited his ex wife), family get togethers, dinners, birthday celebrations, graduations, holidays, all of it over the last 6 years.

I have voiced my feelings around this, my partner has started to listen to me and has attempted to invite me to some things (I have been to one birthday dinner recently and I went to one Easter weekend because dad didn't go, meeting my partners siblings for the first time and it went well) but he does not stand up to his dad because his dad is a narcissist and will make my partner's life difficult if he goes against him at all (he can do things within the business that really negatively affect my partner).

The most recent incident is they (my partner, his sibling) planned a day at an amusement park and didn't even say a word to me about it,. obviously not inviting me at all.

I'm not sure if I should just accept this because we are not married and I am not the mother of his children? Maybe this is the norm for dating in your 40s? I don't want to overreact but I am hurt and I am tired of this happening over and over.

My family never leaves my partner out of anything and I always invite him to whatever we are doing.

I know I can leave and it's crossed my mind but I am just not there yet.

Thanks for reading this far, I appreciate you.

TLDR: my partner leaves me out of all activities and I don't know if I am justified in my hurt or not.

I’m a 34M in a 1-year relationship with 31F

When things are good, they’re genuinely good. But we have some kind of conflict every few days, and I’m trying to understand whether this is normal relationship friction or a lack of compatibility.

Most of the fights start from what I view as misunderstandings, basic things that get misinterpreted as rejection. These often turn into long, emotionally draining conversations w/ days long repair cycles

The pattern feels like:

1. ⁠Something relatively small happens.
2. ⁠She interprets it as me not caring or rejecting her.
3. ⁠I explain what I was doing
4. ⁠She either just gives me the silent treatment or storms out of my place w/o talking
5. ⁠Next time we speak she’ll act like nothing happened
6. ⁠A few days later, something similar happens again.

Is conflict every few days normal? (I don’t live with my GF so I would say we have an issue that takes 24-48 hours to repair about 33-40% of our “hangouts”)

Do healthy couples have repeated misunderstandings like this?

What does typical repair look like after a fight?

Example - we’re on couch and I’m rubbing her legs; she goes to take a shower; when she gets out I take a shower; I go back to couch to sit next to her for a few minutes as she’s now on her laptop; I see she’s doing something so I get up, go to kitchen and stare out the window for 10mins as I’m drinking water; I come back to her and she’s upset that I’m “hiding” in the kitchen and says if I’m uncomfortable with her I should say so and she’ll leave… then there’s me standing there dumbfounded trying to understand how it could be perceived that I’m uncomfortable with her

Another example - i ask her if she wants to go to gym (she knows that I go to gym 6 days a week and that’s its core part of my everyday routine); she gives an ambiguous answer but eventually says yes; when it’s close to time to get ready I tell her we should get ready to get there before closing (note - she has gotten mad before that I left her in my house while I went to the gym w/o her for 2 hours); she asked me for a shirt but I was in another room and didn’t hear her so when I walked back into the room I asked her for something unrelated; she got angry as “I don’t listen to her”; I calmly explained that I didn’t hear her (as I was getting the shirt for her) but she stayed angry all the way to the gym, return from the gym and gave me silent treatment at home; rather than continue trying to force a conversation with her, I go to another room and watch a movie; she then gets angry that I left her alone on the sofa and she storms out of my house (when I try to help her carry stuff to her car she gets mad and doesn’t let me help and tells me to go back to my movie)

I’ve mentioned numerous times that if something is bothering her she needs to say something to me as I can’t read her mind but am happy to speak through any problem for as long as we need to resolve it

Her reaction is to always give me the silent treatment (short , annoyed responses with no eye contact or just to leave w/o even engaging in a convo even as I ask to talk about it)

There have been 2 times in the relationship where I legitimately did do something wrong (re: poor communication). I take accountability and apologize for it but seems to take awhile for her to get over it

So I’m not claiming I’m perfect. But I’m struggling with the frequency of conflict and the lack of real repair afterward.

For people in relationships:

I’m trying to figure out whether this is normal couple friction, or whether the relationship dynamic itself is broken?

Hi All,

I was looking for a forum to safely share this. My engagement ended 4 months ago. It's been awful.
I am 34 year old man and am now in a position where it looks like I'll be moving home to my parents for 1 year to save some money. I have a good job as a CSM, and I am trying to see this positively.

I made mistakes. No easy way to say it. But, I had a couple of behaviours that followed me into my relationship from a darker place in my life, through a domestic abuse relationship and before.

I had taken cocaine 6/7 times across 3 years with friends who had also followed me from an earlier life. Once at my partners place during a party at the very beginning and once, while she was away I took some on a night out with my friend and it entered our home.

I felt awful and I confessed. In detail. I felt ashamed.

I sought therapy. I took classes to make us closer, I paid for us to have therapy and I did everything I could to repair.

I also, had another behaviour I was ashamed of which followed from my past. I would take photos etc of women I found attractive in the street. It happened a few times across our relationship And I had stopped the behaviour. A therapist suggested I tell her too. Which I did, in terrible fashion when she came home from work.

I owned everything I could, and saw that I had caused so much pain. I did all I could to fix things.

On finding out the latter. The turmoil really began.
She called her parents, left to a hotel and then came back. She called names, vilified me saying things like I belong in the gutter or with my abusive ex. Sought advice from her friends, telling them what I'd done. I also had to write a letter apologising to her mum. She made me feel like a criminal, told me she loved me, would give me another chance, but after another argument a week later, she left.

Even after a couple of weeks and the arguments continued I was told she wakes up every day thanking God she's not with me. It hurts. Her Dad also said : 'thank God you didn't have his baby'

I continued therapy after she left. I had 6 sessions to continue diving into the behaviours understanding where they came from and ensuring they stay stopped. I also, have a lot of material to rebuild confidence.

I wondered what peoples opinions are? Is there hope to rebuild something new and meaningful after 34 given my situation?

I’m a 37 F dating a 31 M. We e been dating exclusively for about five months now. in the beginning he cane across so incredibly eager to spend time with me, plan dates, have meaningful conversations and there was just an energy about us. We put labels on this a little over a month ago, We both tell each other we love each other. Lately I have been feeling like the energy, effort and excitement or passion about us has dwindled. I’ve even explained this saying that I miss feeling an actual emotional connection with us and so on. I also have stated that I would prefer to have talks on the phone every now and then. our relationship has either been in person (dates or staying at each other’s places)or via text. we recently went through a little tiff about how angry he seemed to get about something that seemed a little insignificant to me and the way I was treated, so were kind of in a repair mode. I love this man but am beginning to feel bored. my mind, heart and souls are not being stimulated and I am starting to feel like we see each other occasionally. I have an occasional boyfriend who doesn’t like phone calls and is feeling more and more distant every day. I want to know his heart, his mind and I feel like there’s a wall up sometimes. Again he says he wants me, he loves me. Hes got great relationship skills but I don’t get to see them very often anymore. What do I do here? What would you do or think?

I (44f) am having a really tough time getting over a breakup between me and my ex bf (40m). I broke up with him about 7 weeks ago and although my gut tells me it was the right decision, I am having such a hard time healing and second guessing myself. I think during the healing process you start to question if you made the right decision because your emotions are all over the place.

After reading a lot about attachment theory I am pretty confident that he was avoidant. In the beginning we had amazing chemistry, we had so much in common and physically we were both really attracted to one another. He told me he had never communicated that much with any of his previous relationships, I know it's cliche but I honestly felt like I had met my soulmate. Things were going so well until around the 6 month mark and then I noticed that he started to pull back. When we were together he was less affectionate and he began to make less time for us to spend together. The last three months of our relationship we only saw each other once a month and even though I was willing to compromise driving and my own schedule he would continuously use work as an excuse as to why we couldn't see each other, stating that he was working long hours and coming home just to sleep so it wouldn't make sense for me to be there and he would feel bad for just leaving me alone at his place all day. On weekends he was driving to see his kids as they live in another area. I hung on for as long as I could because he would reassure me that everything was fine between us and we would still talk to each other every day/night and he was just having a busy season with work. Fast forward to the breakup he told me he was going out of town for work and the day he left something in my gut told me that he was not telling the truth and sure enough later that day when he and I were on the phone I got confirmation that he was still local because the car he was driving made a beeping noise that his actual car always makes. He told me he was in a rental car which there would be no way that his rental car would make that noise unless it was the same model and it wasn't because I asked him what type of rental car he was driving. Long story short I drove to his place and knocked on the door to confront him. I asked him why he lied and he just looked defeated and said "I dont know". I gave him all of his gifts back that he ever gave me and told him he could throw my things away that I had left there. I got in my car and drove back home and we haven't spoken since then.

It just feels makes me feel so incredibly sad and crappy because I treated him with nothing but kindness and respect while we were together and for him to just throw my feelings away like I don't matter is hard to process. It was just really cruel and mean to do that knowing that all I was asking for was to spend time with him and he was avoiding me on purpose. Especially the fact that he hasn't reached out to apologize at the very least but I feel like I wont ever get that because he wont want to face the accountability of being caught in a lie. At this point I don't expect to hear from him. I guess I don't really know why I am writing this, maybe to vent or just make myself feel better, I just had a tough day of emotions because today was a holiday and I spent it alone. Thanks for reading.

I’m writing this because I feel like I’m losing my mind a little.

For context: I’ve been in a long-term relationship for years with someone I deeply love (36M, 32F). I’m not here to diagnose her, and I’m not trying to paint myself as a saint. I know relationships are complex, and I know I have my own flaws.

But for a while now, I’ve had serious concerns about the long-term viability of the relationship.

The recurring themes are emotional instability, a lot of drama, her getting overwhelmed very easily, difficulty really taking my perspective into account, lack of empathy in conflict, and this fear that if we got married or had a child, the emotional and practical load would fall massively on me.

If an event matters to her and it isn’t organized in the exact emotional shape she had in mind, she can hold resentment and turn it into a whole story about how I don’t care about her.

If small things can become that loaded, what happens with wedding planning? Pregnancy? A child? Family pressure? Money? Sleep deprivation? A home to manage?

I can see a future where I become her emotional regulator, her problem-solver, the one who absorbs everything, and eventually I’m resentful and exhausted.

More generally, I often feel like her needs, emotions, and expectations come first, while mine become secondary, negotiable, or something I have to justify. And if I don’t make the compromise, I “don’t care about her”, and “if I really loved her, I would do it”.

There is also this man-vs-woman framing that sometimes comes up. I’m willing to look honestly at my part and take responsibility where I should. But what scares me is when it becomes adversarial, bossy. I want a partner than can see me with empathy, not like an enemy.

Especially when I already feel like I’m carrying a lot, and because she gets overwhelmed very quickly, things can take huge proportions very fast.

I have this fear that with marriage, pregnancy, and children, the exact same pattern would explode.

I’m afraid I would slowly disappear.

I’m afraid that if she gets overwhelmed by normal life now, then with a child I would become the one carrying everything. And if I don’t carry everything perfectly, I’d be blamed, criticized, or seen as not loving enough.

I’m also afraid she could become contemptuous over time if reality doesn’t match what she has in her head.

So I did something very analytical.

I spent days going through my journal, notes, memories, the worst incidents, the patterns, the moments where I felt unseen or emotionally unsafe. I built the whole “case” for why leaving might be the right decision. I even gave myself a deadline.

And then the deadline came closer… and I kept pushing it.

Then she called me with love.

Just love.

And suddenly everything in me softened.

I told myself: “Okay, before making any decision, read the worst things again. Read the absolute worst entries. Be honest.”

So I did.

And the weirdest thing happened.

The things that had felt so clear and damning suddenly started making less sense. I started seeing her humanity everywhere.

“She was overwhelmed, of course she reacted that way.”

“That comment wasn’t actually that bad.”

“She did apologize there.”

“Maybe I didn’t communicate my needs properly.”

“Maybe if I had done XYZ differently, she wouldn’t have felt so unsafe.”

“She loves me so much.”

“The bond is so strong. Our history is so strong.”

And then I somehow built the entire case in the opposite direction.

Same facts. Same history. Same journal.

But emotionally, it was like the meaning flipped.

Part of me still knows the risks are real. Marriage feels dangerous. A child feels potentially catastrophic. I can imagine becoming the caretaker, the emotional punching bag, the guy who keeps giving more while slowly disappearing.

But then another part of me says: “No, that’s not true. You’re exaggerating. You’re being unfair. She loves you deeply. The connection is rare. You’re about to destroy something beautiful.”

At one point it became so overwhelming that I went to my bedroom, turned on the light, and immediately remembered all the times we had been on that bed holding each other, laughing, cuddling, being close.

And the love hit me so hard that I collapsed and cried for about an hour.

Not calmly crying. Fully breaking down. I had not cried in the last 5 years.

I kept thinking: “I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to break up. I just want to see her.”

So I didn’t break up.

I called her.

And we had a very loving call.

Now I’m back in limbo.

A few days ago I was almost certain, genuinely 98% certain, that I had to end it. Now I’m confused again, attached again, doubting everything again.

What is this?

And the scariest part is that even the most rational arguments don’t seem to reach me when I’m in that state.

I can tell myself:

“Your life could become miserable.”
“People don’t fundamentally change.”
“You have enough data.”
“One soft moment doesn’t erase the big picture.”
“You don’t just marry the love, you marry the whole package , the risks, the patterns, the emotional instability, all of it.”

And intellectually, I understand all of that.

But emotionally, it doesn’t land.

It doesn’t resonate.

All I feel is this overwhelming pull toward her. I just want to hold her, pull her into my arms, and say: “Baby, come here. It’s okay. Everything is okay, my love.”

And that’s what scares me the most, that once the attachment system turns back on, even the clearest evidence starts feeling irrelevant. I just want to be with her. Deeply.

Is this normal ambivalence when you deeply love someone but know the relationship may be unsafe long-term?

Is this trauma bonding / intermittent reinforcement / cognitive dissonance?

Is this me finally seeing her humanity and being less defensive?

How do you tell the difference between compassion and self-abandonment?

How do you know whether you’re being “fair and loving” versus getting pulled back into the cycle?

I’m especially interested in hearing from people who were absolutely sure they needed to leave, then got hit by love/memories/guilt and suddenly couldn’t trust their own judgment anymore.

What helped you see clearly?

I (38F) had a first date last night with a 36M. We had a great time and hit it off. I do anticipate we will see each other again and he has been consistently communicating today. One of my good friends is having a very small get together tomorrow for the 4th. She told me to invite him but would that be weird? Too soon? I swore off dating for awhile and really just wanna play my cards right here.

Is this abusive?

So I [40F] have been with my partner [49M] for 2 years. We got together after knowing each other for a while and both just ending long term relationships. It’s been tough! I have two kids, 8 and 10 and he has one who is 15. They all get on great and the kids seem to love us too. My partner is a hot head and very emotional. It’s hard to describe here but when there is something he doesn’t like I get the cold shoulder. He regularly raises his voice and shouts at me when this happens. Somethings I don’t even know what I’ve done wrong and o wrack my brain trying to work out what’s upset him. He’s very jealous of my ex, the father of my kids. Any mention of his names seems to set him off. He regularly accuses me of having too much of a relationship with him, tells me I’m being too friendly and nice to him. He goes through my phone and gets annoyed at things he’s read and then goes off on one. He often shouts and hits things when he loses it. He will always apologise after and say how much he loves me and that it’s because he loves me soooo much, too much that it sends him nuts. He lost it once in front of the kids and broke the kitchen cupboard in anger. This kids were hiding in the front room crying. I made him leave after this and we weren’t together for while. Then he begged me and told me he’s changed and he’d go to therapy. Things did get better for a while but recently these episodes have started getting worse and more frequent. This evening was rhetorical worst. We had a couple of drinks in a pub garden, he drove home and we started to have a discussion about my daughter’s dental work! He thought I’d dismissed his opinion and started really shouting at me, so much so he made me cry. Whilst this was happening he started driving really fast and erratically. It really scared me and I didn’t know what to do. Eventually I got him to stop so and I asked him to get out of the car and leave but he wouldn’t. He started apologising and saying he was sorry but that i had made him angry and hadn’t listened to him. In the end he did apologise and said how he should never treat me like that and never shout and scare me. Now I don’t know what I’m meant to do. We’re supposed to be buying a house together soon and the kids love him. But I don’t think my life should be like that.

I (late 20s F) have a close friendship with an older married man (50s M). We met through a professional setting and have known each other for a couple of years. He is warm, attentive, and often goes out of his way to spend time with me. He invites me to his home (sometimes alone), gives me personal gifts, compliments me, and shares intimate details about his life and marriage.

He has also:

· Opened my car door multiple times
· Shown me his home, his room, and personal spaces
· Shared personal photos and stories
· Offered to help me with practical things, like moving
· Told me I am his “good luck charm”
· Mentioned his wife often, sometimes in ways that feel like a shield
· Gotten uneasy or pulled back when I invited him to my space

He has never made a clear move, but his behavior feels more than friendly. He also seems afraid or conflicted at times.

I am trying to understand if this is genuine interest, or if I am overthinking. What do you think?

I made a post last week and since it was deleted, here is the TLDR version before I request follow up advice:

"I’m in my late 30s, so is my bf and Im facing imminent eviction/homelessness after losing my job and no new job since. I've been with my boyfriend for 8 months; he hasn't offered to let me move in, and I feel it’s too soon to ask. Am I crazy for assuming he’s going to break up with me once shit hits the fan, and should I mentally prepare for the split or just enjoy the relationship while it lasts?"

Most of the people that commented were very helpful in relieving my nerves about this. But, some were confused by the fact that he hasn't offered to let me stay with him. I think that it's unfair to ask him being that he didn't sign up for this at the beginning of our relationship. While the days are getting closer to my court date I eventually started to let those doubts seep into my mind. I eventually had to talk to him about this because some people made offers that seemed like an obvious problem for our relationship: one ex has been a platonic friend for the past 2 years but only has room for me, not my kids, and another ex who is the father of my kids and does have room but lives with his parents and would need to talk to them this weekend to get their permission.

I told him all of that and how I would never impose to ask him to let me and my children stay with him because it's not his fault that I got fired and haven't been able to find a job since despite applications and interviews galore and I don't want to put all of this stress on him. But, I'd have to send my kids back to their dad early if his parents say no to me staying there temporarily and I have to stay with the platonic friend/ex. My bf responded by letting me know he understands and wouldn't have a problem with me staying with an ex because of the situation and that he has room for me but doesn't have a bed besides his own. I stated that I can bring my bed for the kids to be in his 2nd room that he currently uses as his storage unit. He responded with "yeah, not too convenient." So far, that's the end of the conversation.

I'm going to wait until Tuesday to continue the conversation and make any decisions because my kids' dad will talk to his parents this Sunday, I have one more hail mary left in a local organization that will tell me if they have enough funding to help me catch up on my rent and avoid eviction before court this Tuesday. I'm of course going to focus on those bigger priorities right now, I just needed to get all these thoughts out so I can stop obsessing over it in my head. But am I wrong for having come to the conclusion that maybe he doesn't care as much as I thought?:

1. I doubt he was gonna offer me a place to stay if I didn't bring the opportunity to him on an obvious platter.

I don't think he's obligated to offer me and my kids a place but I think maybe he shouldn't tell me things like I'm the love of his life and that he's in love with me and wants to be with me forever if when things like this happen, he's ready to just watch me go through this. He does help with some of my bills so I think I could be being a little unfair.

2. He seems sincere when he let me know that it's not a problem for him if I'm staying with an ex of mine.

I've always assumed that no one who actually cares about our relationship would be okay with their partner living with their EX especially when there's another option of them living with their partner even if it's just temporarily due to a financial situation. Maybe it's just because of the seriousness of the scenario and he doesn't want to come off as controlling or jealous or possessive.

Thanks in advance.

Hi everyone !

I (36F) have been with my boyfriend (38M) for almost two years. This is my longest relationship, and I've experienced recurring waves of doubt since the beginning. I'm trying to figure out whether these doubts are normal commitment anxiety or whether they're telling me something important.

Objectively, he's an incredible partner.

He's loving, thoughtful, loyal, and makes me feel beautiful no matter what. He's intelligent, disciplined, has a great career, cooks, cleans, has excellent hygiene, plans our trips, treats me incredibly well, and I trust him completely, including around other women. We share important values and hobbies and our sex life is generally good.

Our relationship has also helped me heal. During these two years, I've recovered from an eating disorder, built savings, traveled, and developed a level of confidence I never had before. I did most of that work myself, but having such a stable and supportive relationship gave me the space to become this version of myself.

The problem is that my attraction isn't stable.

Physically, I'm variably attracted to him and enjoy having sex with him. But aspects of his personality sometimes switch off my attraction. He isn't very socially confident, has almost no sense of humor (he admits this himself), is quite naive and childlike at times, and tends to take himself pretty seriously. He also babies me a lot, and instead of making me feel loved, it sometimes triggers feelings of rejzcrion/cringe which I hate admitting. Certain ways he speaks also make me cringe, even though they're objectively harmless.

Things that have me the ick : refuses to dance with me at wedding because he takes himself too seriously , uses child like word like ''poopy'' ou '' doing a little wash'' instead of showering, too much affection verbal and physical At the beginning of our relationship, I actually thought he was "out of my league." As I've become more confident over the past two years, that feeling has disappeared.

Now I'm terrified of making the wrong decision.

When I imagine staying with him forever, I actually feel peaceful.

When I imagine leaving, what I mostly feel is excitement about dating again and the possibility of meeting someone who feels like an even better match, someone with more humor, charisma, social confidence, and a personality that naturally keeps me attracted.

My biggest fear is that I'm about to throw away an exceptional relationship because I'm chasing an idealized fantasy that doesn't exist.

But my other fear is spending my life with someone when a part of me has quietly felt, from the beginning, that something essential was missing.

I'm also at the stage where I want to have children, which makes the decision feel even heavier.

Has anyone been in a relationship where they kept wondering whether they were settling, even though their partner was objectively wonderful?

Did you stay? Did you leave? Looking back years later, do you think your intuition was right, or do you think fear of missing out was misleading you?

TL;DR: My boyfriend is an amazing partner and our relationship helped me become the healthiest and most confident version of myself. But my attraction comes and goes because I sometimes find him too serious, socially awkward, naive, childlike, and not funny. I feel peaceful when I imagine building a life with him, yet excited by the idea of dating as the confident woman I've become, something I never got to experience. I'm scared of leaving an exceptional man for an ideal that doesn't exist, but I'm equally scared that my doubts mean something important has been missing from the beginning.

Hi! I (28m) have been in a relationship with my wife (43f) and living together for almost 6 years, I love her and my intention is to stay with her for good, however there’s a thing.
In the intimacy she has always been a little to vanilla for me, I’m more into rough sex, I’m also very sexual and very sex curious, but I tried to balance it and make her kinkyer.
I’ve spent a fair amount of time and money in sex toys, lingerie, oils, coaching, etc., but instead of her releasing and breaking her taboos, she’s more conservative and sex has became way too vanilla, almost boring, she doesn’t show any initiative, she doesn’t wear the clothes or the lingerie I buy for her, I’m getting pretty frustrated, but I don’t wanna loose her.
For our anniversary trip, y suggested to rent a BDSM room and get out of the comfort zone, at start she looked curious and she accepted, but then the matter of guided sessions came to the chat and there’s where everything broke, I told her expressly that I wasn’t trying to suggest having one, I just wanted to know her opinion.
Next up, she was complaining about how depraving and humiliating would be to have a guided session or an interaction with a third party, then I tried to clarify if the third party issue was regarding any sex aspect or just BDSM and she got angrier, then the conversation turned into her questioning me if she wasn’t enough to me, she left the room and went to sleep without good night kiss.
I really don’t know what to think or how to react, I don’t wanna push her into something she doesn’t wanna know, but also I don’t want to loose myself in the process.
What should I do? If I just accept her for who she is, then where do me and my needs stands in this relationship?

I 39F have been dating a guy 41M. He was married for 18 years, has been divorced for 3 and shares 3 children ages 21,19 and 10 with his ex wife. I will say when we first met, it was probably the most fun exciting first 3 months. He made initiatives to plan dates, we would go to dinner, we would ride scooters down town and just truly had a great time. Once the onion layers started to peel back, I noticed he managed to always remind me that he had been married, or every story about his past involved his ex wife… granted they had been together since teens. At first I though hmm okay, but then grew tired fairly quickly of hearing the stories and I addressed it with him that it made me feel uncomfortable. Going back to when we first met, he had recently had his vehicle stolen so he was without a vehicle for 3 months. Needless to say I grew very tired of the constant complaining about having to pay weekly for rentals cars but luckily he finally managed to get a new car. After sometime he invited me to his apartment… in which I was a little taken back. Not to be judgmental at all but his apartment literally looked like a 19 year old that had just moved out on his own. I looked past it but fast forward 6 months in… no improvement to the apartment. Shortly after he had gotten his vehicle the dates completely stopped and he started to opt with just hanging out at his apartment. It really wasn’t the dating experience I had hoped for so I pulled back in my efforts as well. He begin to tell me that I had changed and I was not doing all the things I were before. I asked if he thought he had changed and he said the only thing that changed was I can’t afford $200-$300 dates every week. Although I understand everyone’s finances are different I have to disagree with his quoted amount of $200-$300 dates each week. Another thing I started to notice is that he is extremely lackadaisical. I would love for him to pick up a few hobbies or do more things that he enjoys besides sleeping. He is a plumber and although it’s a physical job he just never seems to have energy to do anything else. I also begin to see that he can be extremely needy. Such as asking me to cook, back rubs, skincare, even bathing him. And that has turned me completely off. In addition to sleeping he seems to always want to spend time with me all the time instead of studying for his upcoming master plumber exam. I’ve seen him put little to no effort towards studying. I by the way am I single mom of two daughters, I have my own home, I make pretty descent money and I am very self sufficient. I sometimes feel bad that I am irritated by his constant request of needing things from me. It’s to the point that I opt to go days in between seeing him just to get a break in hopes he will use that time to pour into his own things. He’s recently told me that I am impatient with him and it hurts his feekings. Am I being to hard on him? Is it time to walk away?

My boyfriend 41M and I 30F have been together for about six months. I know we moved in together pretty quickly. Now I’m wondering if we skipped important stages of getting to know each other before living together.
Honest opinions because I can’t seem to see if I’m legit going through relationship things or if I’m hanging on to something that’s time to let go.
When we’re good, we’re really good. We laugh constantly, go to concerts, spend time with our dogs, and genuinely enjoy each other’s company. Our sex life is amazing, and he’s honestly helped me reach another level of confidence and self-love. He’s always encouraging me, making me feel beautiful, and reminding me how attractive he thinks I am. That’s why this has been so hard.
Over the last couple of months we’ve had three major fights, and every one of them has lasted around two or three days. Even though they all started differently, they all seem to end in exactly the same place.
The first fight happened because I became defensive during an argument and raised my voice. Looking back, I know I could have handled that better tbh.
The second happened because he texted me while I was at work, which made me think he was heading home and could help me when I asked for help since I was feeling very overwhelmed. I worked, did laundry, and fed the girls, and I asked him to let them out and help me fold his clothes. Instead, he decided to run errands without letting me know. It wasn’t really about the errands themselves. It was more that I had built an expectation based on our conversation, and when that changed without communication, I felt frustrated. I showed up at the house before him and ended up doing everything anyway.
The third happened after I worked all day, cooked dinner, cleaned the house, and went to a fitness class. When I got home, the dogs hadn’t been taken out, the dishes were still there, and the only thing that had really been done was putting the food away. I was exhausted and completely overwhelmed. I didn’t blow up. He asked how class was, I said “fine,” and angrily started doing the dishes. I asked him if the girls went out. Nope. Then he proceeded to take them out, but by then it had already ruined our night.
What I’m starting to notice is that even though the situations are different, the cycle is always the same.
His job is physically demanding, and by the time he gets home he’s usually exhausted. I genuinely understand that and try to be mindful of it.
At the same time, I often feel like I carry most of the day-to-day responsibilities. I’m usually the one cleaning, taking the dogs out, keeping track of what needs to get done, and making sure the house stays together. When I start feeling overwhelmed, I ask him for help. He’ll usually tell me he’ll do it, but on his own time or when he’s ready. Sometimes that’s completely reasonable. Other times, I feel like it needs to be done sooner, so I end up doing it myself because it has to get done.
By then I’m already frustrated.
He tends to shut down during conflict. He gets quiet, wants space, or says he doesn’t have the energy to keep talking.
I’m the opposite. To him this is a huge deal and tends to have tunnel vision until I have a “Jesus moment” and say, “Hey dude, what’s up?” Then he snaps out of it and we’re okay.
When something feels unresolved, I want to work through it together. The more he pulls away, the more I want to reconnect because I don’t like leaving problems unresolved. Looking back, I can see how that probably makes him feel pressured, while his withdrawal makes me feel like I’m facing the problem alone.
Eventually I become emotional or frustrated, and the conversation shifts to how I reacted. I understand why my reactions matter, and I’m working on them in therapy. But I also leave wondering if we ever really addressed what made me feel overwhelmed in the first place. Sometimes I feel like no matter how I approach the situation, I end up being the bad guy, and that’s what I’m struggling with the most.
The last two fights have been especially hard because during one of them he told me he could see this relationship eventually coming to an end. Those words have stuck with me ever since, and I can’t stop wondering if we’re slowly heading in that direction.
The confusing part is that once we get through a fight, things go right back to being amazing. We laugh together, enjoy each other’s company, and it reminds me why I fell in love with him. Then another issue comes up, and it feels like we’re right back in the same cycle.
We’re both in therapy separately because we’re trying to become better versions of ourselves. I don’t think either of us wakes up wanting to hurt the other, and I genuinely believe we’re both trying in our own ways.
I guess what I’m really asking for is honest perspective. Does this sound like a relationship going through normal but difficult growing pains that two people can work through? Or does this sound like something I should genuinely be concerned about?

I'm 38F and my fiance is 41M we live in California and we're getting married next spring we've been together for almost four years I work as a physical therapist and he manages operations for a construction company.

When he first brought up a prenup I won't lie I got quiet so my first thought was that maybe he was already planning for the marriage to fail it felt uncomfortable and for a couple of days I didn't even want to bring it up again. But once we finally sat down and talked through everything the conversation became about so much more than a legal document so we talked about our finances, retirement what we'd do if one of us wanted to stay home with future kid or what would happen if one of us inherited money so some of those conversations had never come up before even after almost four years together.

By the end of it I felt closer to him than I had in a long time it wasn't because of the prenup itself it was because we had to be completely open with each other and there wasn't really anywhere to hide we both had to explain what mattered to us and actually listen instead of making assumptions . I always thought a prenup was about protecting yourself from your partner instead it ended up making us feel more like a team and we understand each other better now and I feel like we're walking into marriage with a lot more trust than we had before. Has anyone else had an experience where a conversation you expected to hurt your relationship actually ended up making it stronger?

I met a man about 4 months ago, and I know for a fact he loves me truly and dearly. We are in our mid-30s. I know to some people, that is very fast to declare that level of love but he feels the way he feels. He says he’s no longer in a honeymoon phase, that this feels real for him. My emotions move slower, you can say I’m very cautious in love. I do love him and tell him I love him but do I want “forever” with him? Do I want to buy a house and have him as my life partner? I don’t know.

Tldr at the end.

He’s hurt because I came to him recently telling him I was feeling unhappy in our relationship. I come from a traditional family and even though I don’t define myself as very traditional, I do like some of the set up of man-providing, woman-caring. We, however, don’t fit those roles very well despite how much I may want it. I admittedly always wanted to be a “power couple” (which feels a little more modern than just man-provides etc.) with someone who made about the same as I did but when I got older and ambitions faded, I adjusted my expectations but that deep desire never really went away.

I make more money than him (60k vs 100k) and feel a bit obligated to take on more spending when we’re together. He hasn’t saved money in 2 years because “he gave up on buying a house by 35”. While 35 isn’t the goal for me, I never gave up on owning because it’s a dream I have so I’m still trying. He also works much less than I do, which contributed to the salary discrepancy.
A big piece of this is he doesn’t handle any criticism of the relationship well, as when I approached him with why I was a bit unhappy with our set-up, he took it as him “not being enough”, or me “not appreciating him” but really I was trying to see if we can change our dynamic where I can feel more “pampered and taken care of” because I want us to be endgame but I also know what I’m looking for in a relationship. For the record, he is trying to up his income, I’m okay with my income, so I don’t necessarily think it’s a money discrepancy.

When I asked if he can “do more” like plan dates or take more initiative, he says he has “performance anxiety” and that he feels like he’s “constantly being evaluated” and “told he’s not good enough” and “that he already tries so hard” and “i’m asking for too much.” And then he turns it around on me asking, “why can’t you pamper me?” but the thing is, he never asks for that nor is that a problem where he finds himself unhappy because I don’t do it. In fact, I give him massages, sent him food to his house when he hasn’t had time to cook, I bought him flowers, an expensive bday present, I pay for dinners, and always plan for activities we can do together when we’re in my neighborhood. I don’t expect him to take on ALL the burden as if I’m just here for a ride. Instead I told him that this is how I feel “taken care of”, like someone else takes the reigns for a bit, instead of me planning the next thing or anticipating someone else’s needs. I tried to frame it as: “I love you but I also need you to take the trash out more,” and his response was sarcastically “oh so I just don’t take the trash out enough!” I meant it as like “i love you as a person but functionally, I need changes in the relationship” but he hears something else. I tried to explain it but he is very reactive and sensitive to criticism.

Also, if he asked me to make changes in the relationship and the changes would make him happy, I would consider it without question. It’s one thing if it’s an impossible ask, but we were on the phone back and forth for 6 hours talking about how maybe I’m being unrealistic, him crying, me crying, how I shouldn’t have spoken to him about it (and maybe I should’ve vented to friends instead), how I’m asking too much of him when in reality, I’m just asking him to do more things I’ve been doing for him all along.

I’m very hyper independent. I moved to a new city on my own (where I met him) and I have no one else here like family to rely so I’ve been taking care of myself this whole time, not relying on anyone. To open up and tell him “it would be nice to rely on you more and if you could take the lead, I would really like that”, and then be met with a lot of pushback, it was really painful. I have a hard time feeling like I can come to him with any ways to improve our relationship without it blowing up into a big criticism of him. A big part of it is he is happy with how the relationship is so he doesn’t see any changes being necessary. He says he accepts me unconditionally and why can’t I do the same? I do accept him, I just want some changes in the relationship itself but my love for him isn’t any different? I also have a hard time bouncing back from this fight because it feels like I need to let go of this desire of “being taken care of” that I always wanted.

I know for a fact he loves me. He cooks for me and started making a list of things to cook for me when I told him I wanted more initiative from him (and I am a terrible cook and him cooking means a lot to me), he drives me around, he will sit with me and talk with me for hours if I’m in a bad place, he’s kind and articulate, and very smart, and we also just get along really well otherwise. I think he is genuinely a good man, albeit a bit sensitive, reactive, and lacks some kind of urgency. After things calmed down, we both apologized. He said he does want to try because he loves me, he’s just always worries if he’s ever enough for me. I said I was sorry and that maybe I expect too much and I don’t appreciate him as he is and I should adjust my expectations. We had a great weekend together afterwards but when the workweek came, I felt so tired and sad because it feels like I’m either giving up my chance to have the kind of love I want where I feel I’m in a relationship with a “strong, assertive man who can take care of me but also respects me and my independence” or I leave him and give up a great guy I genuinely love who does actually care about me but not in the way I want. I know that if I meet this magically “strong assertive man”, he will probably have pitfalls of his own anyway so no one will fit what I want to a T. How do I accept “good enough”? How do I let go of “dreams” I thought I wanted?

TLDR: The case of a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. I’m dating a great guy but wanted to see if our dynamic could adjust to meet more of what I’m looking for. After a long and painful conversation, it seemed like a really big ask and that I am just being too ambitious in getting my “dream relationship”. I’m a bit heartbroken by the idea of staying here but not getting the “dream”. I see now I’m being too idealistic and my partner isn’t as flexible as I thought he could be. He says he wants to try anyway, but I’m also exhausted fighting for what I wanted. I love him but I’m tired and I don’t know how to just feel okay with all of it. How can I accept “good enough”? How can I be more grateful for the relationship I have?

I'm feeling completely discombobulated and confused. My husband (47) and I (40) have been together 3 years and got married in February. Prior to then, there were a few 'isolated' incidents which gave me enough pause I was unsure about proceeding with our upcoming wedding. Starting at about 3 months into our relationship, there was a pattern of fights, typically every 3-9 months, which stemmed from nights of heavy drinking which escalated into shouting matches.

My husband has always and openly been a heavy social drinker. As in, he drinks 4-10 beers probably 2-4 times per week. When we started dating, I wasn't a frequent drinker, although I did abuse alcohol at times (probably 3 or 4 times a year) to the extent I would drink an entire bottle of wine to get drunk, to avoid loneliness & negative emotions. The combination of my tendencies with my partner's has been not ideal, as my own consumption has increased to 2-3 times per week, in heavy quantities (6-12 seltzers). Just to give context. I'm uncomfortable with this heavy of usage, but I admit I freely choose to do so (although my husband admits he enables me). Most of the time, we have fun together- but the times that are not, are really bad.

So the majority of fights/incidents occured on those heavy drinking nights. I'm not sure often what exactly started the fight, but probably an innocent question or comment that one or the other took out of context. Due to the state of inebriation, both of us would escalate as rationale left the chat. A key, I usually have a pretty fuzzy recall of what occurs once I wake up the following morning. I typically remember my husband shouting at me, me trying to defend myself sometimes by hurling names (asshole) and heavy crying. My husband would inevitably recount for me every abusive antic, down to everything I called him, told him and if I physically assaulted him by kicking or punching. I was (and am) horrified, as don't recognize myself as a person who even remotely behaves that way. I'm typically very sedate and calm around others (although internally emotionally rocky at times- I suspect BPD on my behalf but I've never been diagnosed as such). I don't enjoy drama and especially despise hurting others, emotionally or otherwise. So I've always been appalled by these recounting by my partner, who almost has a spiteful glee informing me of what I did wrong.

When pushed, he will sometimes admit to his own wrongdoings and offers an apology. But only really when pushed, iirc.

I've always chalked it up to too much alcohol and maybe external stressors- both our jobs, family issues (we don't have any minor children, more like our parents' and siblings' health issues), etc. I've given a pass even for extreme events because I know I wasn't behaving well either.

This past week I awakened to a cold hard realization that my partner is..maybe not alright.

We attended a large public event together, and as is custom, enjoyed a huge volume of alcoholic beverages. At one point, my partner made a comment to our group (we were with some of his friends) which set me off; it was something personal and private that I didn't want shared with everyone. As a result I became silent and moody while continuing to drink. As the night went on, I stepped away (feeling a need to be alone, somehow, I guess- I can't exactly recall) and went into a restroom for awhile. In the meantime my husband is calling and texting to me but I wasn't even looking at my phone, I was just zoned out (drunk). When I finally emerged and he located me, he immediately went up close to me and started aggressively asking where the hell was I, and what the fuck was doing? He accused me of 'ruining everyone's night' and stated does he need to put a leash on me. I remember trying to walk away from him and him following me. I tried to get away and pushed away at him a few times. That's as best as I can recall.

The following day my husband describes the event as I was 'punching' him and that l's why he was yelling. I quickly interjected, I remembered the reason I was reacting was due to his aggression and yelling. He admitted he approached me shouting first. But continued to say I was punching him and another friend witnessed it. I was completely shattered and humiliated. In disbelief I could ever act that way, towards anyone much less him.

In response I scheduled several therapy appointments and stated my intent to quit drinking alcohol completely. My husband agreed I should go to counseling (and wanted to attend the session with me, as it's virtual) but felt quitting drinking was 'overcorrection.' I explained how horrified I was that I don't even remember exact details of this hugely public fight which frightens me. He offered to 'moderate' my drinking by counting and monitoring my drinks going forward. I reluctantly agreed to try it, amd discussed with my therapist in my next individual session.

However, yesterday we were enjoying an evening at home. He had multiple drinks and became inebriated. I drank nothing. We got along well, listened to music and joked around. Then out of nowhere my husband brought up how me punching him last week left a bruise. I was shocked, and asked to see it. He didn't want to show me, then stated it may also have been due to umping a softball tournament and getting struck in the same place I punched him. Then he lifted his shirt and revealed a large round yellowing bruise on his upper abdomen. I asked if he was saying I caused that. He said it was probably both me and being struck by the softball. I couldn't believe it. Even if I had been pushing at him to get away, or actually punching, I just can't see how it would be hard enough to leave a bruise.of that nature.

I immediately felt like I woken up to a bucket of ice water being dumped on me. It's like all the little reddish flags were ablaze in a giant red inferno. One of us has something really wrong with us. Or both of us. My gut is churning and sick at the thought that I could be a monster who battered my husband. Either that, or he's intentionally making this thing up. There's just no good possibilities whatsoever.

After he told me that, I went right to bed, laid down and documented everything I could remember about our past fights. Something feels really wrong, and did all along, but I never put my finger on it or trusted that instinct for long enough to put on the brakes..my partner insisted on moving things really quickly. Another flag. We were engaged after 8 months, moved in together after 9, and married after 2.5 years. I desperately wanted to hold off on everything...but he insisted. Made comments questioning why I was unsure. I felt guilty and unappreciative at times.

I know this is so long.. I am just so scared, lonely and confused right now. Any words of wisdom, any thoughts- please share. Be honest. I just want to fix this mess and get out of this house of horrors. I want to feel.like myself again.

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So let's say you've been with someone for a few years. You're both late 40s.

Year one boundaries were "tested" (Talking to exes, Lying) but the behavior stopped when confronted with boundaries and expectations for a healthy relationship.

The entire relationship there have been topics that came up regarding cheaters (once a cheater always a cheater, eww gross, and just stating my whole hearted opinion about cheaters). Also the topic of how I think it's gross when a dad ends up dating his kids friends. And he has always agreed with my opinions as if they are his own, never tried to justify behaviors like that.

If I know these things about someone BEFORE getting involved, I just wouldn't.

I can't trust people to change. I know some do, but no.

So now after 4 years I find out he has always cheated on pretty much every ex.

And he slept with his daughter's friend when she became an adult (ages at the time: her 20 & him 40) He had known this friend since she was 5. She called him Uncle.

Am I crazy to wonder who he really is?

Am I wrong to question whether or not to stay? I feel like he's pretending to be who I want him to be. What would you do??

This is new territory for me, the guy I'm dating is very close with his mom. Early in our relationship it was clear he was close but if asked a question about priorities between a wife vs mom the wife would come first. Now it feels like he's backtracking. He told me his mom will always come first no matter what. This came up because I asked him several weeks ago about a couple events coming up, asking which ones he could attend. His answer was he could obviously go to all of them, he'd be happy to go. Now as we're closer to the dates he's forgotten and has to cancel the weekend trip with my family because his mom is going away the following weekend and he has to be around for her because she's leaving for a month. The mom only decided she was going 2 weeks ago, I asked for commitment 5 weeks ago. Then I found out this same scenario happened with one of his exes and he went and his mom blew up at him. So he won't chance it and won't tell her he's cancelling because he doesn't want to face her wrath.

I'm not looking for whether I should break up with him. I'm looking for those who have dated someone very close to their mom and what the result ended up being.

We've just hit the 4 month mark in our relationship. Both in our 30s, early to mid.

Me F45, was in a situationship with a long time friend, M52. We known each other for many years and have always been really closed. When my marriage started declining we grew closer. At first it was just a warm body but somehow I’ve grown attached to him and I think it was reciprocal. Some times we would spend all our times together and others time he will disappear for weeks.
Recently I’ve learned that he was getting married. He never told me. When I confronted him he first denied and I believed him.
But then I heard it again and this time he could deny. I told him that for me to learn it « outside » was very hurtful.
He came to my place we didn’t speak much. He sat close to me. Cuddling me but I was hurt.
It’s not the fact that he’s getting married that bothers me but that he didn’t told me. Knowing how close I thought we were, I feel betrayed.
Why didn’t he told me?