I really need help please
I’m 17 in the uk.
Yesterday I found out my dad used to beat my mum, he beat me but I was too young to understand they have been split since I was 2 and he’s an alcoholic. My mum told me alot more he’s done, and now I’m angry, I left him last year and he’s emotionally blackmailed me every single day since. I’m so angry at him but he’s my dad but he’s never acted like it and I feel terrible for leaving, I’m scared he will kill himself and I will take the blame because if I didn’t leave he wouldn’t do it. He uses my little sister to get me to come over. And the worst thing is, he doesn’t even know how much pain he’s caused me mentally and physically, coming home to blood on the floor from when he fell, hearing my sister scream after he fell near her, he told me are car broke down but he was drunk and crashed it. My first real memory is the police at my door, my mum told me he pushed her and tried to beat my stepdad. I don’t know what to do, I want to leave but he’s making me feel horrible.
I have a girlfriend and she’s perfect, she only sees the good in people and she has a great family. But I see the bad in people I’m always on alert to see if anyone will try somthing. But deep down I almost hope it does I’d like to think I can handle myself in a fight as I used to do mma, and I have so much anger that I feel the need to take it out on someone, I never have which is why i want someone to do something to me first. I hate I feel like this like my dad’s anger is with me. I’m not like him and I never will be, Iv never touched alcohol because of him. But I think I should brake up with her as I’m holding her back, but she’s all I have I think if I did that’s the end for me. I love her I really do but I don’t want her to end up some place bad because of me she deserves the world and I can’t give that to her.
My best friend told me his dad straggled him the other day, I’m also trying to help him, no one knows what my dad has done to me or my mum so he has no idea. I want to get him out the house and he can live with me but I’m to sad to deal with his problems I have my own so I feel terrible about that to all I want to do his help him and my girl live a better life.
But how can I do that with all my problems Iv only said a little here and now I look back it’s not really “a little”
My next problem is my addiction, I’m deep in a hole with spice and Thc it’s the only thing to keep my mind with 1 thought, normally my heads like I’m in a room full of people screaming at me. I have night terrors and haven’t slept over 6 hours in 2 weeks now. I don’t know if dreams mean anything but, Im in my village and everything is black and white, my family is there but can’t see me or hear me. It’s horrible I feel alone I want to die honestly I’m not to sure why I haven’t yet, I’m holding onto this hope that I’ll wake up and everything will be fine. That will never happen and I think I’m started to let go, I started thinking about notes I’d leave and Iv got a way now. What do I do. Please please please help me I really don’t know what to do anymore