u/Suspicious_West6989

I've been thinking about the directions of gender envy and how they impacted my self-conceptualization when I first transitioned.

To illustrate:

• for FTMs/FTMTFs, some want to transition so they can express femininity without it being tied to "being a woman".
• others may want to because they can express masculinity and have it not tied to "being a woman" and/or be socially rewarded.

That's probably an unnecessary binarization (lol) of it, but it is something that has been interesting to think about.

For those two though, I definitely feel like I was in the latter camp - when I was first questioning, I very much felt like I was a man innately and my biology didn't match. And I'm only questioning detransition after being trans for about 9 years (medically trans for ~7), as... well, living as a man does kind of make sense to me.

I am a bit more naturally masculine, and I think the majority of my desire to detransition comes from the fact I've now seen more representation of GNC/masc women who aren't (only!) socially penalised for the way they present, and are attracted to men, and I think that is more aligned to who I am and how I want to live.

I'm just curious to hear how others' experiences of gender envy were, and how your perception of it has changed when you realised you were questioning again/detransitioning.

FTMT? - detransitioning in some form & also experiencing some transition regret, kind of a vent I guess

I've recently realised that a lot of my experiences of gender dysphoria in my past wasn't caused by being (binary) trans, but were due to other things (autistic, OCD, ace spectrum, religious trauma, etc). Ok cool, now I know that a big part of my sense of self was fabricated, because it was the path of least resistance for all the societal pressures I was experiencing.

The knock-on effect of this though, is now I'm doubting everything I thought I knew about myself. It's probably OCD but I can't seem to trust anything about myself anymore. Do I want to have kids, or do I just value the idea of having kids? Do I want to detransition because I feel more connected to being a woman, or am I subconsciously wanting male approval?

I wonder if I even like my hobbies or do I just do them compulsively because I'm used to doing them. I already know I don't like my job, but I should be grateful I have one. I feel so guilty for my inability to enjoy or be grateful for anything.

I've always struggled with feeling like a "real human being" to some extent, but now I feel like I'm not here at all. Just a handful of compulsions and coping mechanisms inside a meat suit. All I want is to feel loved and physically desired in some way. I could accept my body if I was actually trans, but all I see when I see myself now is who's mentally unstable and makes mistakes.

I wish I'd had parents who loved me and saw me as a person and saw my struggles instead of pressuring me to be normal and successful which made everything so, so much worse. I don't know if I'll ever feel normal and I don't know if it's worth trying. I want to disappear.

Dunno what I want as a response I guess. Typing this out made me realised I probably need to get on some medication.

I'm only about 1 month into detrans/retrans journey, and the road ahead of me feels incredibly daunting.

I'd really like advice & support from detrans folks who have been detransitioned/detransitioning for a longer time, especially since a lot of posts on this sub are from people at the beginning of their detransition journey.

I'd really like to hear from your experiences if you're more than a few months/a year into detransition, especially:

• How did you feel at the beginning of realising you wanted to detransition?
• How's life now?
• Has your perspective of your original transition and/or detransition shifted over time?
• How has it affected relationships?
• What are some things about detransitioning that are unexpected?
• Any encouragement?
• Any advice?

CW: EDs, as mentioned in post title.

I know trans folks as a population are disproportionately susceptible to eating disorders. I've mostly read about this in relation to FTM/transmasc individuals, but have read a fair bit and also heard anecdotal stuff from my transfem friends too.

A common thread I see is people developing an ED because the effects of puberty were so traumatic, which I relate to. I (AFAB) initially started dieting just for "health benefits" (read: fatphobia), but as I lost weight, and the more my body went from "blobby" to "curvy" the more distressed I became. It was like the weight loss forced me to confront my gender and sex in a way I never had to do before. And so I then started losing weight in an attempt to look more androgynous. I got into a period of extremely ill health due to this.

When I started taking testosterone, it really helped - partially because I could "escape" from my body, but also I think my appetite came back with such force that I couldn't ignore hunger anymore. I was also constantly cold during my ED, and T definitely helped with that too. In some ways, it kickstarted my body into life again

I just bring this up because I find the "trans people suffer from eating disorders" statistic brought up occasionally, but I wonder if sometimes an eating disorder creates enough hormonal or body dysmorphic flux that it also creates/heavily amplifies gender dysphoria?

Not to dismiss anyone's individual experience, just trying to make sense of what I went through. Would be nice to hear from anyone who has gone through something similar.

I (FTMTF) am planning on detransitioning, but I'm scared. I want to live and pass as a woman, but I don't know how possible that is, and I'm questioning if detransitioning will give me what I want.

I've had top surgery and have a deep voice, and pass as male 100% of the time. I hated the androgyny phase when I first transitioned, and I'm terrified of going through it again, knowing that it might be for the rest of my life.

I'm scared that even if I voice train and have chest reconstruction (planning on both), I'm not going to pass as a woman, or even feel like one. And even if I am, people will get to know me and then think, "that's someone who's stupid and makes big mistakes".

Every time I think about my dating pool, I want to cry. I've not really dated. I've had crushes on a few people that I could have dated if I'd never transitioned, and knowing that kills me. I worry that detransitioning and getting the same result will make me just fixate more on the effects of my past choices, and conclude I've fucked up my very tiny chances of having any meaningful romantic experiences.

Transitioning saved my life, but it was the wrong choice for me long term. It shrunk my world in so many ways. I'm lucky I live in a big city and my friends are supportive. And (apart from dating) it's mostly been okay because I pass. I worry my world will shrink more if I detransition, and become visibly trans again. And even if I end up passing, I don't know if detransitioning will make me feel more like a woman, or feel further away from it.