Giving myself whiplash
I found out my husband of 10 years had been watching porn, making AI grok videos, listening to sexual ASMR videos and probably more our ENTIRE relationship.
It’s been 3 months since DDay. He’s taken full responsibility and accountability for his actions.
He threw away his computer because he also had a video game addiction that went back into his teens. (we’re in our 30’s w/ 5 kids.)
He’s deleted apps, given full access to his phone, told his father, and elders at our church.
He’s been doing everything right it seems but then here comes the whiplash.
Some days we have great times together and then it all comes flooding back.
He never told me his issues. He openly talked about how horrible porn is within his friend group, and I literally had no idea he was that kind of guy to watch it but here we are.
It’s been 3 months and I don’t know where I’m at. I feel so checked out some days and then hopeful and willing to move ahead the next
But how? I don’t know how to trust anything he says or does with a decade of lies, secrets, and deception in our wake.
I’ll also never know how bad his addiction was. He deleted his entire PC history via his phone the day I found his search history while he was at work and confronted him with hateful words and screen shots.
I’ll never know. I can’t get over that part as well. I only know what I was able to prove that day and that’s it.
He was on OF but he swears he never spent a dime. he also had an AI chat app downloaded and tried to get naked pictures on there as well but said he deleted it when he didn’t want to jump through the hoops of “unlocking” the images.
And I just have to take his word for it when his word feels like it holds no weight.
I just don’t know what I’m doing and I don’t know how to have the good days and the horrible ones over and over.
I just want a break and there isn’t one in sight.
How do you manage the whiplash?
Some days I don’t dwell too much on it and the others it’s all consuming. Picturing him searching for what he liked and pleasuring himself while I’m in other room managing our household solo.
Making the AI images of naked women, searching linktree for porn of an ASMR girl he liked on YouTube, being curious about OF like Pornhub wasn’t exciting enough anymore.
Knowing he used to do it 2-3 times a day when it was bad, using my conditioner as his lube so he could please himself to the woman of the hour, and whatever else I don’t know of.
My husband feels like a stranger and I am sick.
I'm just a shell over here and would love some advice if you’ve any to give.