u/Sweetwater96

I’m a first year orthopedic resident and honestly I’m struggling mentally with the learning curve and expectations of residency.

I’m trying really hard to study seriously outside work. Right now I’m slowly going through Miller’s Review. So far I finished trauma, anatomy, recon, spine and foot, and now I’m in hand surgery. My plan was to finish one full read of all the major sections (anatomy, trauma, hand, foot, spine, sports, recon, pathology, basic science), and then start re-reading everything repeatedly, kind of like how I studied for Step exams.

The issue is that even after reading hundreds of pages, I still feel like I barely remember anything. Sometimes I read 6–8 pages after a full hospital day and my eyes are literally closing. Sometimes I read something, think I understand it, and a week later it’s completely gone.
Other times I don’t even fully understand what I’m reading but just keep moving because otherwise I’ll never progress.

I also don’t manage to study every day. Some weeks I’ll have 2–3 days with zero Miller reading because:
I had a 26h shift
got home destroyed mentally
had morning meeting prep cases only.
stayed late at the department
or tried to have some actual life outside the hospital (dating, gym, family, etc.)

And honestly after bad days at work, especially after being scolded in morning meetings, sometimes I come home feeling terrible and I just can’t study.

What also gets to me is seeing residents just 1 year above me who seem SO much more advanced. They say concepts or clinical pearls that I completely missed in Miller or Orthobullets. Sometimes attendings ask me questions and I don’t even fully understand what answer they’re looking for. A lot of it feels like “department knowledge” or experience rather than textbook material.

The residents who basically “live” in the hospital seem to progress faster and also seem more appreciated by the head of department. Meanwhile I’m trying to balance being a good resident with still having some kind of personal life and not completely burning out.

One thing that really scares me is this constant thought:
“What if I’m putting in all this effort and still eventually get told I’m not good enough for the program?”
My head of department can be very harsh during meetings. Sometimes he criticizes all the first-year residents together by name, saying things like “you guys are doing this badly,” and even though it’s group criticism, internally I start wondering if he secretly thinks I’m failing specifically.

I genuinely care about orthopedics and I’m trying hard. I read after shifts, prep cases, try to improve, and think about residency constantly.

But I also constantly feel behind and scared that maybe everyone else is adapting faster than me.

For the more senior residents/attendings here:
Did you also feel this lost early on?
Is slow progress actually normal?
Is reading Miller slowly over time + repeated re-reading a reasonable strategy?
Did you feel like everyone around you knew more than you?
How did you deal with fear of not being good enough or potentially being let go?
And how do you balance studying hard with not making residency your entire existence?
Would honestly appreciate hearing how others handled this stage.

Sorry for the very long post, just had alot of venting to do lol