Mother in law in toxic relationship
Hello, disclaimer: Englisch is not my first language.
So this is about my (female, 31years) mother in law (63years), let‘s call her Anna. For Context Husband (35years) and I have been together for 6years.
Anna has, in my opinion, a toxic relationship with father in law (63years), let‘s call him Steve and her Dad (85years).
For Context: The Relationship between Anna and her Family has always been dificult. She is the third Child of 5 Kids (3 Boys, 2 Girls). Her Youngstern sister is the golden child, Anna was more of a second Mother and a burden because of her medical issues. Anna lives 2 Hours away from her Familie. Annas Mother past away Four month ago, After many years of Major Health issues.
In recent years, there have repeatedly been situations in which Anna’s father behaved very maliciously and toxically. For example, he once accused her of bribing a nurse to hurt him during a blood draw. She had driven two hours to visit him because he was in the hospital.
Before and after the funeral, there were constant arguments that continue to this day. From Anna’s perspective, her father rejects every idea and wish she expresses. Anna wanted to design her mother’s grave in a way that reflected her mother’s wishes, but her father insisted on his own ideas. Whenever there is a disagreement, it seems to immediately escalate into a fight in which the father devalues Anna.
Now about the relationship. Steve is the father of my husband; there is also an older sister and a younger brother. I witness the interactions between Steve and Anna firsthand. Often, small disagreements lead to Steve feeling offended, while Anna continues trying to assert her opinion. Steve quickly feels patronized and overruled. Anna feels unsupported and forced to endure Steve’s emotional outbursts. The atmosphere between them becomes very toxic, Steve makes accusations and undermines Anna’s competence and abilities. This happens at least two to three times a day when we are there. Anna feels that Steve does not support her, no matter what the issue is, and I can partly understand her.
Currently, Anna and Steve are planning a big birthday celebration together because Steve wants it. The party is in three weeks, and Steve has now taken a week off. He does this every year.
In my eyes, both are toxic relationships with similar patterns, and I can understand where it comes from. I know quite a lot about the problems because Anna often calls my husband, and he is her emotional support (I know, that is also strange and unhealthy). I have talked to my husband several times about the fact that Anna should ideally go low contact with her father, and that her relationship with Steve also needs clear boundaries — or that a separation (even just living apart) would be better.
Anna has already expressed that she wants less contact with her father, but it hasn’t worked. She has also been considering separating from Steve for years, but nothing happens.
Now my question: How can I/we support Anna in creating distance and becoming clear about her boundaries?
What can my husband do, what can I do?
If nothing changes in the coming months or years, how should we act, and what can my husband do?