Realizing I was emotionally abused by my mother 9 years later
I (M19) first started seeking psychiatric help in 2020, back when I was 13. I was severely depressed and anxious due to my parent's divorce, and this was the main topic of my therapy sessions with my therapist back then. After 2022, I've came to terms with a non-nuclear family and we talked about other things pretty much.
I've always had a good impression of my mother as a child growing up, as she was a stay-at-home mum that spent most of her time with me.
I should also add that during 2021, my mother would ask me and my sister to visit her on the weekends. I reluctantly went, probably for the reasons I'll explain later. However after 2021, she started deteriorating mentally. She refused to seek medical help and from her behaviour and what my sister tells me, I am almost certain she struggles with schizophrenia or some psychotic condition.
However sometime early last year (2025), I developed immense persecutory anxiety due to an event triggering my PTSD. I developed hallucinations, both visual and auditory. Knowing that schizophrenia has a genetic component, I went to my therapist for counseling. We revisited the day me, my sister and my father left our house to live somewhere else. I also told her about my interpretations of my relationship with my mother in more detail, as I've had time to process these things.
"I think you were abused," said my therapist.
My mind went blank, and I could not grasp the fact that my therapist could describe my mother in such a way. Then it all came back to me.
In retrospect, little me definitely felt like he had to make my mother happy, to listen to adult trauma, and disturbing things my mother had experience growing up. As a teenager, I felt like the only time she saw me as a real person was when I opened up to her about my trauma, because she probably saw herself in me. The reiteration of "you're like me", "I'm like that too", etc. wasn't normal. The times when she would reprimand for going to therapy citing "money" (my dad works a job with a very comfortable pay, so it didn't really make sende) because she never found the courage to do so herself. The time when she would make me to open up to her, even when I begged her to stop making me, only to dismiss my experiences and make me feel like trauma was a competition. And I regret this whole experience so much, because it has affected the way I interact with older women now.
Now I have a deep resentment for my mother, and for people that tell me that "I'm mature for my age". I never wanted to grow up that fast. I don't think I actually grew up properly at all. My mother gave me an adult load as a child.
It's been about a year in a half after that ephiphany. Nearly 4 since I last saw, or interacted with her. About 9 since the first incident of mistreatment I could still remember. And now I still find myself wanting validation from people, I want people to tell me that I wasn't in the wrong, and that I was just a child, because sometimes, I still have difficult labelling her as somebody abusive, or at the very least, in the wrong.
I understand that she might have had a hard time growing up, but I've developed a sense of self-justice to believe that she should have made me her psychiatrist.
Please do ask questions, as I'm still processing this, bit by bit, to this day, and maybe those can help : ) thank you for your time.