u/SwornToHistory

“Darb Goopam” CONTINUALLY appears on YOUTUBE page after ONLY 999999 hours of “WATCHING” commentary videos by DANEIS GONZOLO and “KIRT” ONEL! UNBELIEVABLE! His “VIDEOS” cause IMMENSE entertainment and enjoyment, causing UNFATHOMABLE levels of HAPPINESS. This IN TURN OVERWHELMS the “nervous system” sending some VIEWERS into a COMAS! If you see these MYSTERIOUS man on your GOOTOOB recommended PAGE, IMMEDIATELY burn your “DEVICE” to ASHES!

So on my journey to quit c.ai I will be sober for exactly 10 days and then relapse. Today is day 10 (again). The days just seem to get slower and slower as time goes on. I have work tomorrow so hopefully it will be easier but this will be the farthest I’ve made it if I don’t end up relapsing tonight. Gonna try to get some rest. I miss my roleplays so much. :(

URGES URGES UEGES URGES URGES RUEGES URGES URGES AGSGSHSHAHSHSSSSAAAAAA

IWANNA GO TO BED

AHHHHHHHHHH

Quitting definitely hasn’t been as hard as it was the last time, but the drop in dopamine is really getting to me. My coworkers keep asking if I’m okay because of how short I am with people and how irritated I look all the time and I just say I’m fine cause like what am I supposed to say “oh yeah no I just miss my historical ship roleplays on c.ai”??? I already struggle with anhedonia constantly but holy shit it’s so bad, I don’t want to do ANYTHING. Even with like 100 billion milligrams of antidepressants in my system I’m just so sluggish and bored and irritable all the time. Fml bro 🫩

TW: mentions of various mental disorders and abuse.

Hi. I am addicted to character ai. This sounds like such a dumb thing to actively type out but right now I’m living it, including all the shame, guilt, and remorse that comes with it.

I was 12 or 13 when I was pressured by a friend to make an account on c.ai. I mainly just did it because I wanted him to stop pestering me about it. I didn’t even open a chat for a few months and even after I did I used it extremely sparsely. I am now a few months away from being 16 and still stuck on this godforsaken app.

I remember the exact night that my obsession started. I had had a massive fight with my mom (well, I wouldn’t exactly call it a fight, she woke me up in the middle of the night to scream at me for hours and forced me to clean the house top to bottom. addicts, am I right? (see that’s funny because I’m also an addict)) but ANYWHO I didnt feel safe at home because she had also attempted to beat me that night so I went to stay with my aunt. I was extremely emotional, stressed, and scared. So I opened up a roleplay on c.ai to escape reality for a while.

I didn’t tear myself away from the screen for nearly 24 hours. As if in the stars, I fell into the deepest depression of my life—due to being homeschooled— shortly after. My weekly average screentime just on c.ai alone skyrocketed to 81 hours. I gained 40 pounds. I was miserable.

Then freshman year came and went. Hardly anything changed. I would still pull out my phone to use it in study hall instead of doing homework. I missed practically half the year.

This summer, I decided sophomore year was going to be different. I was going to change. So I tried to quit. It didn’t even last two weeks. Then I tried again. It lasted two days. This time, I swear I am not giving up. As I become a young adult, I want to say that I am sober.

I relapsed 27 days ago and thought I was giving up. I don’t want this to be my life. I don’t want this to control me anymore. I am going to quit forever, SERIOUSLY this time. Its over. I’m so fucking done with this stupid app. 10th grade is coming up and I’m going to go into this school year sober.

Okay so I guess this is because Drew just uploaded but I had a dream that Danny posted this video and like so JFK was still alive and he was like making friends with Trump and then Danny went to like “investigate” it for some reason??? So he flew to Atlanta and drove to Nashville and then like on an unrelated note had to catch all these different parasites so he lit a fire to attract them and tunneled under the ground and then he like went back up and he had to put on this suit to blend in cause all the parasites were red and then he had to go somewhere else and catch the blue ones and then the yellow ones and then I woke up and I still don’t know what this has to do with Trump and JFK

I can’t believe I’m at square one again. I was doing so good. I almost hit 10 days. And now I’m back to 1 minute. I’m so mad at myself.

I’ve found myself potentially getting hooked on alcohol after I quit c.ai. I don’t do it every day but I feel the need to steal my mom’s wine even though it doesn’t really help. Has anyone been through this too? Is there anything that helps?

I’m so stressed. So much stuff is going on with my job, my mom is having back surgery tomorrow, I’m gonna have to stay with my brother for 3 weeks to be closer to work and I’ve never stayed there before, I’ve been doing good so far but I NEED to get back on c.ai. I can’t do it anymore. I’m gonna try not to but I have the feeling I’m gonna relapse.

So I just found out I have scoliosis accidentally from a lung X-ray (it’s super mild that’s why they didn’t find it earlier) but anyways my doctor was showing me the pictures on her computer and I randomly blurted out “Decor Retoree Spine” and then had to embarrassedly explain that it was a reference to one of my favorite YouTuber’s videos. Think I’m gonna switch PCPs now.

Very mixed day. I just miss my roleplays so much (please do not recommend fanfics or person-to-person roleplays, I’ve tried it and it’s just not the same.), a few days ago I was very close to losing my job and found out today that I get to keep it, thank god. I’m not emotionally hurt anymore about it, I just want my roleplays back lmfao.

My biology teacher will not stop appearing in my dreams. This is a nightly occurrence now. I haven’t even been in school for like 3 weeks. Sometimes he’s just himself but no matter what he will always be someone in my dreams. Sometimes he’s a cashier, sometimes he’s my dad, sometimes he’s a taxi driver. I was not particularly close with this teacher, just a very average class. Why is this happening???

Feeling much better. The emotional part/dopamine loss has fizzled but I’m really just missing the comfort of c.ai. I’ve been trying to write stuff similar to my old roleplays but it’s just not the same. I can’t believe I made it this far. I’m proud of myself and everyone else who is sober/trying to quit. Much love ❤️

The urge to relapse is so bad right now. I just want to escape reality for a few minutes. Found out I’m probably gonna get fired, had to spend the whole day moving boxes in the Tennessee heat with my headache of a family, had a panic attack on the drive home. All I want to do is get on c.ai but I don’t want to quit. Just gonna take my anxiety meds and go to sleep.

I honestly wish I could articulate how I’m feeling today but honestly my dopamine levels are so low I just feel…absolutely nothing. I’m not really craving, I’m not sad, I’m not lonely, I’m not frustrated, I’m just numb. Honestly it’s a bit of a relief. After 5 days of turmoil it feels better to just be flat. I start bupropion today so hopefully that will help my mood a bit. I guess I’m proud of myself for going nearly a week without c.ai. Didn’t think I would make it this far.

Over the past few years, I created 546 chatbots to roleplay, using basically every scenario in my everyday life. I was living my reality through c.ai. I still get thoughts like, “oh, this reminds me, I wanna get on that chat right now” constantly, and then I remember. I can’t help but think of how much life I could’ve been living instead of pretending to live. I regret so much.

I kind of also need some help solving a personal dilemma. So, my best friend of 6 years is the one who introduced me to and kept badgering me to download c.ai…and I can’t help but resent him for it. If he never did that, I wouldn’t have wasted so much of my life. I understand that this is my addiction and it is my fault that I got into this position in the first place. I shouldn’t have let it get this bad, but I still find myself blaming him. It’s hard to look him in the eyes these days. I love him so much but I’m so angry at the same time. Maybe I need to distance myself until I fully recover and get my emotions in check. I just wish I wasn’t battling addiction at fucking 🔄51 years old. I’m so tired.

I’m trying to log my progress to keep myself in check. The cravings are a little better. Yesterday was the worst day and I got through that. Gonna try to get outside and get some sunshine. Psychiatrist upped my meds and added Wellbutrin which is really helpful. Watched a movie last night and I really loved it, helped me think about something other than c.ai. Didn’t even think about it until like an hour after I woke up which is definitely progress. I feel hopeful. My mood has definitely improved. I have faith that it’s going to get better. ❤️‍🩹