Too much trauma? Or am I looking for an excuse?
I’m 41 year old fence sitter, and could definitely use some advice from anyone who relates to my specific predicament.
I have an incredible partner, we communicate really well, and we’ve talked about potentially trying for a kid several times. I think they would make a great parent, and they support whatever I choose (I do not take this for granted).
Some of what is holding me back:
-I have chronic physical health issues that are moderate to severe (can only work part time at best)
-I need much more sleep than an average woman due to my health issues (10-12 hours)
-We wouldn’t have a lot of family support from my side (let’s say about zero as my parents were older when they had me and my sweet father has passed, mom would be no help at all).
-I have PTSD from my toxic mom and worry that I would somehow pass on this trauma to a child, or it would make me afraid to bond to the child as my relationship with my mom has been/still is incredibly painful
The pros:
-I’m a piano teacher and have enjoyed working with kids for about 15 years
-I generally enjoy kids’ presence
-we are financially stable enough to have a kid
-I am told I am a patient person and work well with kids
-my relationship with my partner is loving and stable
-My partner’s parents could provide some emotional support but are older as well (80s).
What would you do? Am I searching for excuses not to do it? My instinct is that I am afraid the relationship with my hypothetical child wouldn’t go well because of my experience with my mom.
When I think about having a kid, I mostly feel panic, fear and sadness. Yes, I’ve been to therapy and it didn’t help much. Thanks in advance!