I just finished my Bachelors but my Dad called me a failure for not moving out, and I finally broke.
I’m in my late 20s, and I just got my science bachelors after years of grinding. I would have graduated years earlier, but the 2020s forced me to delay several courses (I am more than grateful that my university allows students to pick their courses), because these courses in particular were very hands on based. And it’s impossible to do these courses with a computer; can’t examine a hand sample (texture, shine, etc) the proper way on a screen. Not to mention field courses got severely delayed. So it took a few extra years to graduate.
Now, because of the way rental prices went in Canada, especially in metropolitan areas, and the struggle with part time job security (again, a certain pandemic), I stayed at home with my parents. My Mom refused to charge me rent, instead asking only that I help around the house when I need a break from classes. A very fair deal, and it allowed me to pay for some events the student union set up, giving me the change to have some fun on campus as well. Great social experiences, especially with my Autism.
My Dad, however, never fully agreed. He was raised by parents who expected him to move out at 18 and be fully self sufficient. However, part minimum wage doesn’t afford a $1500 a month rent along with university and transit. Let alone food, clothes, books, etc. Even living frugally with the way grocery prices went.
So even during the lockdown, he’d be making comments, getting upset if I was sitting on the couch on my laptop (doing homework, mind you). Mom would shut him down every time, remind him that the times had changed, and that she would rather me stay home and not take predatory loans than risk being homeless and in debt. Honestly its led to a lot of fights. Worse, he’d vent about my laziness to family (my laziness being me finishing an online paper the day before it’s due because I have a midterm the next day, instead of doing the dishwasher or another chore), my lack of work (like I chose to be laid off in a pandemic!), or my screen addiction (again, most homework ended up being online!). Worse, when I wasn’t bogged down by schoolwork and forgot to do a chore once in a blue moon, he’d lecture me about not doing anything in this household. Including when I was sick and still had homework. He’d even vent to me about strangers, including when I was with him!
It’s chipped away at me for years. To the point where I’ve screamed at him, in public, that he was banned from any celebration in my life. Because I was sick of him always souring events because of his whining about my supposed failings. Mom has tried so hard to get him to back off, and even his parents have gotten on his case over it.
After that blow up, which happened just after Christmas, he finally seemed to stop. I still kept him banned from my graduation, if only for my mental health. I couldn’t risk spending the event paranoid he’d do it again. But every day until recently he’s not made a comment.
And, thankfully, the day of my grad went well, and I came back home with a degree and a big smile on my face. Everything seemed fine.
Then came the family get together on his side for this past Canada Day. An event only because my grandpa was getting old and there’s worry he won’t be around next year. I was so happy, and my paternal side of the family was so excited for me. The first one on that side to get a Bachelors. I actually let my guard down with my Dad there; not paranoid about him starting to make comments about me.
When dinner was finishing up, my gran asked me what I planned to do next. That was when my Dad said it. He said, “Move out hopefully. She needs to get with the real world.”
My Mom had then immediately stood up and yelled his name, but Dad stood and shouted that I was a “failure of an adult for not being independent.” Then he went on this whole rant about me being lazy and… and… honestly I can’t even type it. It still cuts deep. I just remember sitting there, crying quietly, as my own Dad said the worst things about me. About my poor mental health. About my lack of work ethic. Everything. All my failings both true and perceived. Even that it took me xtra years to get my degree.
My gran stood and yelled at my Dad, everyone was yelling…
And I just ran. I ran from the party, ran to the nearest bus stop, and took a long bus ride close to home before walking the rest of the way. My Mom came home later, checking in on me; Dad had been forced to stay behind by his parents. But ever since then, I’ve been unable to leave my room except for the bathroom. I can barely even type this. Dad’s finally come home, but I won’t answer his knocks. I’ve blocked him. My mom also called me out sick to my shifts at work; claimed a really nasty flu caught me and took me out. Because I can’t leave. I don’t have any drive. I feel… broken inside. Useless. Like the failure my Dad screamed I am.
Moms booked me an emergency appointment with my therapist for tomorrow. Honestly I’d be lost right now without my Mom. And that makes me feel more pathetic. What adult needs their mother to bring them food or water or basic necessities? Even like this I should still be getting up and doing basic stuff. But… I can’t. I just can’t. I’m a failure and that’s all I can think about.
Im not posting this for sympathy, or help. My Mom is going to drag me to the ends of the earth to pull me out of this. I just… need to get this off my chest. Post it. To, maybe, prove to myself im not a failure…
Call it fake or whatever. I honestly don’t care anymore. Might as well become a lazy bitch like my Dad’s been saying I am… a failure…