Lost and drained
I honestly don’t know what to do anymore and I need advice from people who have been in similar situations.
My wife has significant medical needs and over the years I’ve basically become her full-time caregiver on top of being a husband, dad, provider, firefighter, business owner , etc. I do everything. I help with showers, getting dressed, hair/makeup, catheter care every few hours, enemas, taking care of accidents, helping her get around, handling responsibilities with the kids, all house chores, working, bills, groceries, cooking, appointments literally everything.
I feel horrible even typing this, but I don’t feel like a husband anymore. I feel like a caregiver/provider/problem solver 24/7. I’m mentally exhausted and honestly emotionally numb at this point.
Whenever I try to explain how overwhelmed I am, it feels like she either doesn’t understand or says I’m “not doing that much.” And that she doesn't understand why I'm always so tired. She says she misses the old me from when we were dating, but back then we had no kids, no mortgage, no big caregiving responsibilities, no constant stress. I miss the old me too honestly.
I’ve tried explaining that I need time for myself sometimes like going to the gym or hanging out with friends once in a while, but it usually turns into guilt because she says I don’t even make enough time for her. The problem is even taking her out feels exhausting because everything becomes a medical/logistical operation with timing catheter care, worrying about accidents, helping her get ready, finding someone to watch the kids etc.
I’ve lost attraction and interest in sex too, not because I want to hurt her but because my brain associates our relationship with stress, pressure, caregiving, and responsibility instead of connection or partnership. Then she gets upset about that too.
I feel trapped in this cycle where I voice my feelings, nothing changes, I shut down, and go back to carrying everything. I’m becoming resentful and I hate that I feel this way.
Has anyone else been through something like this? How do you stop feeling emotionally burned out and disconnected? How do you set boundaries without feeling selfish? I honestly feel like I’ve lost myself completely.