i dont know how to be self regulated i just cant stop drinking and trying to find any high
so i had to deal with legal issues a few months back over lots of bullshit and ive had a friend die this year along with others attempting all the time. i have almost not friends now or at least ones who wanna talk to me and im just mostly alone. this year i got hooked on vaping by constantly borrowing from a friend and now that i dont have that ive been trying to find any high i almost tried nutmeg, hell i got so low i almost smoked my cats catnip, but then i realized i have alcohol in my basement (for legal reasons i prob shouldnt say how old i am but im far from old enough to buy it myself) so ive been stealing bottles of rum, brandy, wiskey shit like that and just taking shots all night long because thats the only way i have to feel good or at least be "happy" for a bit. and i mean drinking my life away is probably more healthy than cutting my entire arm every night but they all still end in me feeling like shit and wanting to kms all the time (i have therapy but i refuse to tell them about any of my substance abuse so i can stay out of trouble)
idk how to end this
EDIT: I do have one friend who has been trying to get me to stop because they care a bit but i havent got to meet this friend in person yet i only know them through a friend but nonetheless i had to make a half assed promise to quit drinking but in reality all im doing is drinking a bit less and making it less known