My enmeshed MIL ripped off my newborn’s umbilical stump (my ex defended her)
I am post separation from a partner who was severely enmeshed with his family of origin: a classic case of covert emotional incest and coercive control. At 40, he relies completely on family employment and family management of his money. On paper, he projects a false veneer, but behind it sits a personality disorder and numerous addictions.
I had actually already moved out of his house before I got pregnant. We were never married, but he kept dangling the carrot of a shared future; promising marriage and even going so far as to buy an engagement ring to buy time and keep me quiet. It was pure "poser" capacity; he had zero ability or intention to actually step out and build a sovereign, independent life.
Looking back, the warning signs were everywhere, but one specific incident during the early postpartum period still leaves me speechless.
When my daughter was around 3 weeks old, I explicitly asked for space. I wasn't taking visitors not even my own mom because I wanted solitude to settle in. Instead, his mother pushed her way into my home, bringing useless gifts to buy access and steamroll my boundaries. And even after 10 years with her son and having a baby she still wanted me to refer to her as Mrs. (last name).
Whilst there, without asking permission or even saying, "Hey, do you want me to change her?", she automatically started changing my newborn's diaper. I popped down for a few seconds to get a fresh diaper from the under caddy of the bassinet. During that brief moment, she handled my baby with such rough, aggressive force that she literally ripped off my daughter's well adhered umbilical stump.
What makes it so chilling wasn't just the physical force required to do this. It was the absolute silence afterward. She said nothing. She owned nothing. She offered zero apology, zero remorse, and zero care. She just acted like nothing happened to avoid accountability. All she said was "oh."
Because I was vulnerable, exhausted, and operating under the weight of his coercive control, my brain inverted the trauma: I felt shame, I felt embarrassed for her, and I immediately panicked, wondering if my ex was going to blame me for it.
When I confronted him about it months later, he proved where his true allegiance sat. He acted as his mother’s defense attorney, saying: "I told her you were upset about it. It was an accident." He framed my natural maternal protection as an "overreaction" while defending the woman whose psychological cord he was never able to cut.
It took me almost a year after that incident to cut his family off completely and my life improved immediately after doing so. I blocked them all and haven't looked back. He spiraled further out of control afterwards which made the enmeshment hyper obvious. He still denies that he is enmeshed and told me multiple times that I am.
I'm posting this cathartically because I still have a bag of their "gifts" sitting in my house that I am finally throwing straight into the trash where it belongs. Has anyone else dealt with this level of physical boundary bullshit combined with severe family enmeshment and covert control? How did you finally purge the residual physical items and energy from your home?