[14, AMAB] I hope i'm trans but i'm still confused.
Hi, I'm a boy, maybe. And, as the title said, I hope i'm transgender. In this post, I'm gonna try to sum up everything I've thought about. I've been thinking about my gender a lot, like at least once a day, probably multiple times, for now at least 3 months. But this thought has been in my head for probably more than a year.
Right now, it's just a roller coaster of "I'm 100% a girl" and "There is no way I'm a girl" which, I prefer being in the "I'm 100% a girl phase" but there is still doubt because I just...can't really do anything with these thoughts. Like, yeah I'm a girl, that's cool but I can't do anything about it. I can't experiment because of my parents. I want to because it give answers but I can't.
I want to try and have long hair (managed to convice my parents not to cut them :) ) as well as girl cloths, which some seem nicer than boy clothes. Tbh in terms of cloths, I always wear the same 5 stuff and barely pay attention to what I wear. Fem clothes do seem comfy tho.
I've always wanted to have some platonic girl friends (idk how to word it better) but never could because of social anxiety and me being an idiot in social relationships. Idk if this has to do with my thoughts tho.
More on the thought of "being a girl is cool", I've always liked stuff associated to gender transformation and I especially was obsessed/exited whenever the topic of trans people was brought up. I used to watch some trans memes last year for example which were probably not for my demographic, but i still liked them. (i'm chronically online which probably isn't that good lol).
I hope watching these type of content as such an early age didn't like gaslight me into being trans or something. Sometimes I wonder, If I would still have those thoughts if I haven't been online this much.
I did however watch very stereotypical girl shows when I was little. Like I remember watching the entirety of "My Little Poney" and some other girl shows which were clearly not for boys lol. I did know it wasn't normal but i just hid it from my friends.
More recently, I used to be really on the worst website ever: character ai. Now I quitted that hellhole because of the ban but I mention it because 90% of my chats there were me turning into a girl and doing girl stuff. Again, I hope spending this much time on this website didn't gaslight me into thinking i'm a girl. I also hope it's not a kink or something.
In terms of dysphoria, I don't think I've got any (or at least it's minor). I do not really like my facial hair or when people comment on how deep my voice is getting. But, because dysphoria is so common amongst trans people, I feel like I want to have dysphoria. This is a stupid thought but I feel like it would make me "more trans". I want to want to be trans in order to be trans.
I don't think I relate to enought trans people's experience to be a girl.
I also feel like I don't hate being a boy, I'm fine and I kinda like it (idk really) but I do feel like being a girl is better.
When I am presented with something like the button test, my answer will always be uncertainty. I don't know if it's the right thing for me to become a girl. What I do know, is that I don't want those questions to stop. At least not on the "I am a boy" phase. Sometimes I really think being a girl at this exact moment would be insanely nice (usually when I'm exited about something or jaming to random songs or at like midnight)
In terms of transitionning (even thought I probably can't do HRT this young from what I saw), I looked up the effects and basically all of them are good. The only one I'm unsure about is boobs. Which...ig I want some ? Like my chest always seems weird and too flat ig. But if I had some, I don't want them to be too big ig. Even thought I'm pretty sure nobody controls that stuff. Feels weird talking about this as a literal child lol
Ig I want to be curvier (don't know how to say it).
I also am half-addicted to porn. Which I'm gonna mention for the sake of everything even thought, I looked it up and i'm pretty sure it cannot influence gender identity.
When I think of myself in the future (which is hard for me lol) Idk what I expect to see. I've always imagined stuff I'd do when i'm like 30 as my dad lol. Like an exact copy. But never as a girl even thought, now I want to try and imagine it (hard because it's so far into the future). Apparently if you don't see yourself as a girl in the future it way indicate that I'm not trans but idk. Normally I imagine myself as a boy, althought different than how I present myself currently. But I want to want to be a girl and not just a feminine boy. Idk if that makes sense.
Other thing I should mention is I think being a girl is objectively better than a boy.
I also tryed to call myself a girl out loud (hard yet again lol) and it did kinda feel good. When my friends said I looked like a girl I didn't feel the same sensation but I did want it to hear it again. Sometimes I just feel like i'm dragging all these claims to be a girl. Guess that's another evidence.
Ig I also have some more boyish interests but I don't think that matters tbh. I'm also scared that having some more boyish beheaviours stops me from being trans or something. I hope it doesn't.
Idk If I'd like being a girl full time. I hope I would but in the end, idk. Maybe it's just because it's so different then what I am.
I never chose a girl video game avatar exept for Alex in Minecraft (which I thought was a boy, and then I became sad that I couldn't wear it) which is better than Steve imo. I don't play a huge range of customisable video games so that may be why.
I want to talk to my friends about this but I'm scared of their reaction so i keep pushing the reveal further and further. I feel like when I'm alone, I'm more sure of being transgender than when I'm talking and being social with people.
I did think a bit about being non-binary or genderfluid. I don't think I'm either but if i'm non-binary, I'd be fem leaning for sure.
I hope I'm not using being trans to cope with some other probleme. I have pretty bad procrastination rn and I hope that's not why I question stuff.
Being sure I'm a girl makes me happy.
I probably repeat myself a billion times in this but i'm too lazy to proofread this.
Holy rant. I should have a Nobel Prize for how weird all of this probably sounds. I hope it's at least a bit structured. This took an hour to write but it's probably the most complete writing of my thoughts ever. And it's probaly not even 100% complete. I kinda suck at telling how I feel so I just dumped everything lol. Please tell me what all of this means. I'd mean a lot to me.