u/Tajni_agenti

Nakon 7 godina veze sam saznala da me partner emocionalno prevario zadnja 4 mjeseca sa osobom preko poruka. I to je počelo preko reddita 🫠 U meni je trenutno takav čušpajz emocija jer sam po prirodi jako anksiozna osoba. Ovo mi je bio jedan od glavnih strahova u životu zbog toga što dolazim iz obitelji u kojoj je varanje, rastave i prekidi svakidašnja stvar, a ja sam mislila i nadala se da je mene to zaobišlo. A sad su se svi moji strahovi ostvarili, te vidim da mi je potrebna psihoterapija da se ne razvije u neku paranoju ili OCD.

Vi koji ste prošli ovo, imate slična iskustva, molim Vas da mi udjelite koji savjet. Kako ste se i jeste li se oporavili? Kako ste nastavili vjerovat sebi kao osobi, te drugima? Toliko grčevito želim da ovo ne utječe na moj život i budućnost jer još uvijek vjerujem u ljude, a opet se vrtim u ciklusu krivljenja sebe, njih, svijeta. Možda me toliko pogađa jer sam ja iz principa osoba koja nikad ne vidi razlog za varanje, te to ne bi napravila čak ni iz pakosti.

Jeste li sami prošli kroz ovo, koliko vam je pomoć bila od prijatelja/obitelji te psihoterapije? Kako vam je prošao prekid, ili ste ostali u vezi? Kako ste nastavili dalje, i jel mislite o tome čak i u novoj vezi?

Hvala Vam puno svima!

Hi reddit, so I need genuine and good advice. I generally don't really go to my family/friends for relationship advice since I've managed to solve majority of obstacles my partner and I've encountered, but this is a major/important one and I would like as little of bias in my advice so I'm here (ironic I know considering reddit track record but oh well.)

Anyway. My partner and I have been together just shy of 7 years. Both late 20s. We are currently doing about 10 months of "long distance" (we see each other 1x - 2x a month) since he accepted an amazing job opportunity outside the country, and I unfortunately couldn't get a job there bc of language issues. News is, he will have to move soon to another country, since his position is closing, which will impact how often we see each other, due to more expensive airline tickets.

Here's the relationship issues. We have discussed our futures together, and my partner plans to propose, he apparently wanted to do it last year but didn't realize the ring I wanted would take 4-5 months to make (I know people will ask, it's a custom gem one, price about 2k€). He then wanted to do it this year, but I refused to go to a trip he wanted to plan, because I don't make much money and didn't want to burden him with paying for the trip like he did one a year before.

Generally my issues lie within just the general priorities when it comes to planning a future/stable living together. We have discussed a bit about this, but I genuinely don't know how to seriously approach this topic with him. He currently makes a great amount of money at his job, but he had/has expenses with paying for the apartment over there and traveling to visit me. He talks about the proposal but I'm 99% sure he didn't even order the ring (to be perfectly clear the first time he asked about the ring was 3 years ago). Our relationship will probably remain long distance bc his job opportunities literally pay him in thousands and he wants to save up for a house that way. He often talks about OUR future together, but for me, it just seems as something he talks about out of duty.

To be concise, we've been together for 7 years, we talk about this future together, but I don't have any concrete commitment out of him. I'm not his wife, and we are supposed to be a childfree couple, yet every time I broach the subject of a vasectomy (which is 600€ and few days rest) he completely ignores it. I know money wise neither the proposal or the sterilization should be the issue, to me it seems like I am the one lacking and he doesn't want to commit. He talks about paying for my surgery, which would be 3k€ and traveling etc, but to me it seems like it's just to transfer the responsibility on to me. (tbh I mean if he ever left me that would be a plus, but I genuinely just don't want him spending money on me, I have that issue bc of my parents and their marriage, long story of divorce and fighting). I've talked to him plenty of times about our concrete future together and how this is a clear boundary, and he assures me if he didn't want this relationship he would break it up. But then again I don't get a clear and direct commitment from him.

My issue is that I often approach the topic of the relationship etc very emotionally detached, logically and objectively, which doesn't suit him. But I genuinely just want us to be on the same page and direct. If it doesn't work for both of us, I don't see the point of it. For me it ends up as this promise of a life together, but he has his backups to fall onto without losing much. I'm the good girlfriend that waits, and he can leave if he wants to whenever he changes his mind. I don't think I'm making much sense, so please reddit, tell me what I'm not seeing and how I could approach this with my partner