LOOKING FOR SOME UNDERSTANDING
Hello, I am going to just jump right in as I am looking for sound advice.
I am a mother of twins, boy- girl. They will be 20 in December.
I did not know anything about "mothering" and never planned to have children so I was very inexperienced. I raised them as a single mother. My primary model of parenting was to raise them in real life. My children were never protected from financial hardships I was having, pouring into them I believed things I needed and did not receive as a child, loosening the control over their choices as they grew up so they would not be 20 and as naive as I was. I have made mistakes, I have let them down, but I never abandoned them or neglected them. I made a conclusion effort to be present. I stopped my life to give them everything.
Ok, so now, after a very bad year, I had to move from my home and find other accommodation. My children no longer live with me and I honestly believe do not want to.
I see my daughter weekly for dinner and ever time we are out I feel depressed. I see how happy she is and how wonderful she feels and I know it is because she is not in my home and with me. She has never come right and said this, but it is obvious.
I feel insignificant, my daughter has been going to her Farthers house for dinner multiple times a week and cant express how wonderful it is. FYI: this man was given the opportunity to be in their lives since birth and chose not too. He did nothing, an I mean literally nothing with them or for them.
What I need to know is why I can not be with my children without feeling severe depression for more than 24 hours after im with them. How was i such a shitty person and parent to them when all I did was for them. Honestly I feel like I am worthless and my absence in their lives have given them joy. Please help me process these emotions.