r/ParentingThruTrauma

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I'm creating a parenting plan with my ex husband for our child. Neither he nor I attend church anymore (we were fundamentalist Catholics) but his parents DO. They are strict. They look after my child two days a week so I can work. However, I do NOT want them to take her to church or church activities. Is this reasonable? I was deeply traumatised by the Catholic church and won't step foot in one.

On the one hand, she's my child, and I'm allowed to say it.

On the other, they're doing me a favour caring for her for free. But they do so on Mondays and Tuesdays when there's no need to go to church.

Thoughts?

I (30F) just had a son a few weeks ago. My husband is amazing with the baby, I feel way better now than I did when I was pregnant (I had horrible HG almost my entire pregnancy), we have a good routine going, I get out of the house almost every day. Things are overall going well.

I also have a 5 (soon to be 6) year old daughter. I had her when I was 24 years old and in a previous marriage. My previous marriage was very abusive. Emotional abuse, physical abuse, financial abuse. Literally every kind of abuse you can think of. I was miserable. I had horrible postpartum depression after my daughter was born because of my marriage. When my daughter was a year old, I looked at her one night and decided that I couldn’t do this anymore. I had a little girl to protect and I knew it was best for me to get out then while she was still a baby and wouldn’t remember anything. I filed for divorce, a protection order, and left. I now have almost full custody of my daughter. She sees my ex very, very little.

I remarried two years ago to my now husband who is a total 180 from my ex. My husband is kind, gentle, and patient with me. He’s never even yelled at me. Between the amazing marriage I have with my husband and going to therapy, I have really come a long way in my healing from an abusive marriage.

Now here is where the guilt really sets in. My daughter got a version of me that was young, in a horrible situation, and was severely depressed. I was not a neglectful mother but I was definitely not the best version of myself. Now that I’m 30 and in a much better spot in my life, my son will never know that side of me. He has a much better life than my daughter did as a baby. My daughter has a much better life now though, and doesn’t remember my ex and I even being married.

I feel as if I am way more patient with my son than I was (and maybe still am) with my daughter. I realize that my daughter and son are in two different stages of life though. My son can only communicate through crying. My daughter is old enough to talk back, refuse to do things, doesn’t listen, etc. She’s not a bad kid at all. In fact, she’s a great kid. Does really well in elementary school, makes friends easily, plays sports. She’s just a typical 5 year old who has to push your limits sometimes.

Sometimes I feel like I’m too hard on my daughter. My son is a baby and doesn’t know anything other than eating, sleeping, pooping, and crying, so I feel like I’m more patient with that. But my daughter is just a curious 5 year old who, in the grand scheme of the whole world, doesn’t know anything either. I have to remind myself “She’s 5. She doesn’t know. You have to teach her.” I bawled my eyes out to my husband a few nights ago and told him all of my guilt. He was very receptive and willing to help me work through these feelings.

Has anyone else struggled with this type of guilt or felt like they were too hard on an older sibling? I do a lot of self reflecting on a daily basis so this is something I am absolutely going to be reflecting on.

Hi all. Just venting. Raising my niece for the 2nd time around. Sad for her and for my own family. My husband and I took her in bc my sister in law was struggling with drug addiction and no one else could take her. She was 2 at the time. My SIL finally got clean and stayed sober for a year and my niece went back with her mom at the age of 7. She still came over on weekends bc she was living with us and my boys love and missed her. Fast forward to now and my sil did not relapse but it always felt like she just didn’t want to be a mother and how many times do we want to just tap out but we don’t get a choice do we. The night before back to school she just dropped her off at my house and chaos ensued. It’s been a rough month of us getting settled. It’s hard. She missed my nieces 10th birthday. My niece is struggling to keep up with her hygiene and I got her the American girl puberty book and a basket full of girlie stuff but still fighting about showering and washing her hair. Picking on my youngest son (4). Idk my SIL randomly tells me her car isn’t registered and I asked if that’s why she wasn’t coming to her daughters party and she just said ya I want to start a fight with her bc no one holds her accountable. But then I’m like what’s the point. Just angry. Everyone in my house is stressed and not sure we could do this long term. But I hate for my niece to feel unwanted by us and her mother. So trying to show up since her mother doesn’t.

Not sure who needs to hear this, but your child may not be “too emotional.” They may simply be feeling more than they know how to process.

I was that child.

I struggled with depression, bullying, self-harm and suicidal thoughts when I was young. Eventually, I ended up in a mental hospital.

And one of the things I remember most clearly was seeing so many other children there.

Some were much younger than me.

Different personalities. Different circumstances. Different stories.

But I noticed something.

Many of us were incredibly sensitive. We felt deeply. We thought deeply. We noticed things other people didn't. Some were neurodivergent, some weren't. Some were highly analytical, some intensely emotional, some withdrawn.

But many of us didn't know how to handle everything we were feeling.

And many of us weren't receiving what we needed at home.

Acceptance. Understanding. Belonging. Unconditional love.

Instead, there could be a lot of criticism, judgment, anger, comparison or simply a lack of understanding.

I don't say this to blame parents.

I say it because there are things parents genuinely don't know.

And I wish someone had told my mother these things when I was younger.

One of the biggest things I learned through my own journey is this:

Emotions need to be felt, heard, accepted and processed.

They don't disappear because we suppress them.

And when someone is already highly sensitive and experiencing overwhelming emotional pain, not knowing how to process that pain can become unbearable.

Sometimes self-harm becomes one of the ways a person tries to manage or release that pain.

It doesn't necessarily mean they want to die.

Sometimes they simply don't know what else to do.

And I think this is something every parent of a sensitive child should understand.

Your child isn't necessarily trying to make your life difficult.

They may be trying to survive an internal experience they don't have the tools to understand yet.

And the environment matters too.

Children learn from what they repeatedly experience.

If anger is constantly expressed through shouting, they learn about anger through shouting.

If emotions are dismissed, they learn to dismiss their own emotions.

If vulnerability is criticised, they learn to hide it.

But these patterns can change.

I'm sharing this because I want to be a voice for the children who cannot yet explain what is happening inside them.

I was one of them.

I wish more adults understood what children are actually trying to communicate.

TLDR: Emotions need to be loved, felt, accepted, embraced to be moved through.